


Constellations of Another Lifetime

by kashmirbaby



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Bathing/Washing, Blood Kink, Blood Sharing, Blood and Injury, Bondage and Discipline, Dubious Consent, F/M, Force Bondage, Forced Marriage, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Mild Fluff, Non-Chronological, Painplay, Piquerism, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Reader-Insert, Spanking, Stockholm Syndrome, Switch Reader, Top Kylo Ren, Violence, Visions of Necrophilia, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 68,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23638918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kashmirbaby/pseuds/kashmirbaby
Summary: Forced into marriage by a monster inhabiting a shell of a man. Will you be able to hold onto the values you believed in before Kylo? Or will your only sanity be the constellations of another lifetime?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 31
Kudos: 293





	1. Give to The Stars

“With this matrimony, it is written to build empires, crush rebellions, and uphold a legacy. As our Supreme Leader binds himself to our new Empress, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for strength or weakness, they bear the weight of the stars upon their shoulders. Long live the first order!” 

The women remained seated as the men cheered with a new found valour that left their lungs in various grunts and battlecries. 

There was no mention of love, you did not love Kylo Ren. You were merely an offering to apologize for your government's revolt against the first order. The thought that your very being was binded to his was more than enough to turn your stomach, along with the fact that the day you dreamt about for years was now reduced to a business transaction. At this point you couldn’t tell if you resented your government or Kylo Ren more. 

A veil covering your face had shielded you partially from looking your owner in the eyes. Was there any other name more fitting for the man that had stolen you away--without worry of the answer being yes or no? Your hands were dwarfed by his powerful palms and reaching digits, his skin stiffened when it touched your own. You were sure your skin seized when he touched it as well, it had to. As soon as the commencement speech had concluded you received a plain black metal ring, no jewel or detail except for an insignia that was consistent with that of First Order Propaganda. 

Supreme Leader Ren took his hand in yours--not like in the love stories. The action was more like a feral dog pulling at the last shred of meat. He turned to the crowd and held your hand up with his like you were some sort of trophy. You imagined a shiny placard reading, “Evidence of the fallen Resistance.” Was this what you were reduced to, a shiny object used to insinuate power? You assumed that’s what the black metal ring indicated, afterall you hadn’t received a job description prior to being ripped from your home planet. 

You did however learn quickly that if you disobeyed any order that consequences were grave. You had already seen the towering black rage choke a soldier in white without even touching him. You knew Kylo Ren was ruthless but not so much as to kill innocent soldiers, his innocent soldiers, kind of ruthless. He wasn’t a monster, he was something much darker, something that turned everything around it to pitch and seethed at its borders waiting to be unleashed like an animal from a cage. 

Having your hand entrapped in his only made it harder to see him as a monster that was so different from you, because he wasn’t. He was a human much like you--you peaked beyond the veil letting your eyes wander over his aquiline features, he was a god--a beautiful human. It was hard to avoid this fact as well, though he had scars dotting his otherwise satin skin, he was beautiful in every and any definition of the word. You knew you’d burn in hell for letting yourself admit that much. 

Your bodies moved down the aisle that had been created by the separation of chairs. It wasn’t the aisle of your dreams, it was black and barren—a metaphor for the life you were entering as Kylo Ren’s bride. 

The only thing that seemed normal about the whole affair was a grand dinner would be held, a party, you wondered how many, if any, were to come after. There couldn’t have been many before you, you could tell most of the men were relishing in the free time they had. The women seemed perturbed by the idea of entertaining their childish reactions any longer--though it was a silent whisper compared to the overkill of the men’s emotions. You wished you could feel such simple emotions as them. Again you found a bubbling gratitude for the veil covering your features. You imagine your eyelids must have looked tired, the eyes themselves screaming a prayer of salvation. You wanted someone to see them however. See them and understand the feelings you were harbouring, in all honesty, you didn't think there were words to eloquently explain what these feelings were.

You were trapped in the openness of a prison built by your own people. 

You hated the resistance. You hated the first order. You hated yourself. There were many things to be hated, but had each one been as powerful as the last? 

The noise behind you faded as you stepped beyond a threshold and a door slid shut. The air seemed thicker once the door closed, this room was much like any other room you had been in. The walls were made of black metal, save for a basin standing alone in the center of the room. You noticed a knife sat beside it. Your skin turned cold and your stomach fell somewhere farther than your sweaty feet. Did that door lock? Had he locked it? If you screamed would anyone hear? 

You looked at Kylo, his eyes were shut like he was attempting to rid himself of hesitation. Was this what the marriage of an Empress was? Death? You let your eyes linger a second more before realizing your hand was still engulfed by his. You debated pulling yourself from his grasp and attempting to run. 

How far could you make it? One step, he’d open his eyes. Two, the sound of him brandishing his weapon. Three, the room is filled with a roaring bolt of energy. Four, a guttural bark tearing through the sound barriers separating silence and noise. Five, his own steps have dwarfed yours. Six, heat cuts through you leaving- 

“That’s not what I plan to do.” His words pierced your ears, your stomach twisted and your throat locked in a suspended sob. 

Your gaze returned to his, the veil still obscuring your view. You felt a heat wash over you, but there was no red energy washing over the room. What was this embarrassment--that he had been in your mind so effortlessly?

“My thoughts are private…” You mumbled, he would have heard you if you gave the words substance or not. 

His hand closed like a vice grip around yours, he pulled--hard. You were closer to him now, a half step more and you’d be buried in the black of his armor. His eyes burned with pique, but everything around them seemed cool. 

“Then don’t think so loud.” He spoke through gritted teeth, you would have much rather been yelled at than this. 

Breath hitched in your chest, you felt yourself recede. These were some of the only words he had spoken to you and they were dripping with resentment. If he hated you so much, why had he ordered you to be his bride?

Before you could think about his vexation of you any longer he was leading you towards the basin. He placed you at one corner, and himself at the other, he gripped the blade whether it was small or his hands were just obscenely large around it--you could not differentiate at this point. He looked at you, through you. 

“Remove the veil.” His voice poured over you like molasses. 

With trembling hands you pulled the veil away, up, and behind your face so it laid delicately over your hair. 

“With this blade, I give to the stars.” He slid it down his palm. Red healthy blood dripped from a clean line on his palm, you knew what was happening. 

He dug his fingers into the cut, letting blood seep from the wound and into the basin. He motioned for your hand, you hesitated. 

You knew blood covenants were practiced in some areas of the galaxy. Terrifying parts of the galaxy. It was something so foreign and taboo for you. It was more than challenging to give up your flesh to be sliced open, to mix your blood with the travesty of humanity that stood before you. 

Kylo motioned again, this time more extravagant--impatient. Not wanting the knife to go anywhere but your hand you held it out, closing your eyes as the sharp object slid across your skin effortlessly. 

He wrapped your hand in his and squeezed. His hand coated yours in blood, as he released the pressure you knew what would come next.

You thought you knew what would come next. 

“With my blood, I give myself to you, with yours I take you.” His words only weighed on your shoulders making it impossible to believe that gravity didn’t exist beyond these walls. 

He pricked his thumb then yours, you expected to intertwine your hands. Let your life liquid seep into his and his into yours. But he raised his hand, setting the knife down. You froze, you couldn’t move--your muscles seemed to turn into stone as his hand, dripping with red, reached your face.

His thumb met your lip, you felt the wetness warm and thick against you. Next his palm rested on your jaw, smearing more of the liquid across your skin. His strong grip nearly ripped your jaw open as his thumb entered your mouth, coating your tongue in blood. A metallic and cold taste. With his free hand he grabbed the bleeding, limp, appendage. The, it wasn’t yours at that moment. It had detached itself from your body, but kept the nerves intact.

You felt the warmth of his mouth wrap itself around your blood soaked thumb. A flash of ecstacy ripped through Kylo’s gaze. He was enjoying this. You wanted to rip your hand away and bite his. But as the taste of him lingered and the evidence of binding cemented itself on your face, you felt a spark of something too. It wasn’t lust, but it wasn’t hatred. 

Gingerly he removed his thumb from your mouth and did the same with yours. You felt the coatings of blood on your skin dry the longer you let your gaze linger on him. Avoiding your gaze Kylo turned the basin on, letting cold water wash away the evidence of your pact. You watched in awe as he pulled a cloth from below the basin and let the water run over it.

He first cleaned himself, taking time to wipe the dried liquid from his jaw, then his lips. Still not looking for your eyes he grabbed your hand in the same animalistic way he had before. He scrubbed the blood from the cut, not taking into account that it hurt like hell. He then moved the cloth to your jaw, you weren’t sure if it was even cleaning now. For a moment you caught his gaze, hoping to see that savior of emotion once more. But there was nothing, he was filled with that same raging fire you had seen when he pulled you so close to him you could see every fiber of his armor. 

Finally satisfied with his work, he placed the cloth in the basin and proceeded to the door. You were unsure if you were meant to follow him. 

You let your feet root themselves into the floor as you watched his figure escape, before he reached the door he turned to you. His skin appeared clean but you could still see the faint memory your blood had left on his jaw. His eyes seemed to drift to yours, then his words followed. 

“Someone will be in shortly to assist you. Listen to them.” 

Waiting to be told what to do would be your life now. Something about the way his words washed over you didn’t make your brain struggle to accept that reality. But let it sink in as though you already worked towards acceptance but were just now hearing it for the first time. 

Just as he said two girls no older than you came in, they wore grey dresses that fell to their ankles, had no shape, and looked incredibly coarse against their skin. They bowed their heads and spoke in unison. 

“Empress. We’re here to escort you to the boudoir.” Their voices were meek like they had been told to watch their mouths one too many times. 

You nodded, they motioned towards your veil which you pulled back to cover your face. The girls avoided eye contact even when the fabric was drawn over your features. Was there still blood on your face? Or were these girls that afraid of power? Did they know you possessed none of the power that placed them before you? 

You were escorted by the two women and two men (just an assumption) in black armor. Both had masks different from one another and weapons that seemed like only an executioner would carry. 

Even though you knew you were a pawn in some larger game it was nearly impossible to shake the feeling that each step that echoed through the black hallways was another inch closer to death. The hallways seemed to reciprocate the same fear. Their walls stretched father away from you and the floor seemed to buckle with each footfall. You mused the idea of running, but only for a moment. If the reaching grasp of the men behind you didn’t stop you the lengthy weapons they held in their hands definitely would. You began to tell yourself, no matter the circumstance, escape will never be an option; it is live or die. 

Lost in a train of thought you had little to no recollection as to how you were now standing in front of an electronic door, one you were told led to the boudoir. “You may step in M’lady.” One of the girls spoke, you noticed she had an accent, you smiled at the way her voice molded itself. You looked behind you and tethered yourself back to reality as your eyes glinted against the sharp blades the soldiers carried. You swallowed hard, there was a lump in your throat, it wasn’t sadness but it wasn’t fear. It was like words had seated them in your throat, you didn’t know what they were going to sound like or what they were going to mean. You only knew that they would come out sooner or later. 

Taking a step forward you heard the click of a button and the electronic door whirred open. The inside was much different from the decorations you had encountered thus far. The room was pure white with small black details dotting some surfaces. Once you were safely inside the door shut and you were alone, for the first time—there was no one watching you. A sigh of relief escaped your lungs as you felt some of the weight tumble from your shoulders. 

In the room there was a vanity with a mirror attached and drawers towering to one side. On the other wall there was a large mirror with a fitting platform placed in front of it. In the far corner of the room sat a white pedestal with a clear basin on top of it. It was similar to the rest of rooms in the terms that it was barren and the air was thick. 

You walked to the mirror. A sparkle of red flashed somewhere beside you, tracing the path with your eyes you caught a glimpse of your hand. Red was dripping down your fingers, pooling beside you on the milky ground. You watched as each drop increased the puddle by a minuscule amount. 

Bringing your non-bloody hand up to your veil you pulled it back, small specks of crimson dotted your complexion. You brought your fingers up to feel the skin. Before you made contact the door opened, a spindly girl stepped through the doorway. She was pushing a white cart, the top scattered with various medical supplies, the sides seemed to take the shape of sliding doors to conceal whatever was underneath. 

The solidarity didn’t last very long. 

“Empress,” She gathered her skirt--similar in appearance to the girls that had led you here--and curtsied. “I have been assigned as your Gentlewoman.”

“Gentlewoman?” 

She was taken aback by how you repeated it as a question rather than a statement. 

“Um, yes. You’re Gentlewoman, I will assist you with most day-to-day activities, keep you company, I will serve you until you or Supreme Leader Ren finds me unfit to do so.” Her words were less broken than the girls before. Maybe she hadn’t been subjected to the amount of ridicule as them. 

She was young--very young. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun that sat low at the base of her skull, her features could only be described as ethereal. Like one wrong word and her entire being would cease to be. A small portion of your mind wondered why Kylo hadn’t taken her to be his bride. 

Without another word she opened the underside of the cart and removed a stool, she set it beside the cart and motioned towards it. 

“It would be best for me to bandage your hand M’lady.” She crossed her hands in front of her and your gaze wandered back to your hand. The blood had slowed and began to thicken, you nodded and moved towards the stool. 

Sitting down you watched as she took great care in soaking a cotton pad in disinfectant. Her fingers seemed to move to their own rhythm that hadn’t been orchestrated by the conscious mind. She gingerly took your hand in her own--a drastic change from the animalistic way Kylo had pried you from yourself. She took great care in her movements, she was aware of the pressure she would apply and which direction her swipes hurt more.

“How,” You paused wondering if it was an idiotic question. But the silence was growing painful. “How did you become a Gentlewoman?”

Without skipping a beat she began to unwrap bandages. 

“Well, I was a nurse at first. But when news spread about the fall of the resistance some of us were reconditioned for various jobs.” She placed a clean gauze pad on the cut. 

“Reconditioned?” Were your questions becoming exasperating? If they were she never showed it. 

“Yes…” She paused letting a grave expression betray her otherwise composed demeanor. “Some were reluctant to give up their assignments.” 

The way she let the word escape her lips sent chills down your spine. You decided not to press any further. 

“Anyway,” She began wrapping a long bandage around the gauze. “It was decided that my best fit would be as a Gentlewoman for the new Empress.” She took her time making sure every inch of the bandage lay correctly. 

“Some of the other girls were upset, they thought this would be the best position. Taking care of an empress is better than cooking or cleaning.” Once again her expression betrayed her composure. 

She felt as if she had said too much. She pinched her lips together as she secured the loose end of the bandage. You wanted to know more but something about the way she reacted to her own words hinted that she wasn’t allowed to speak any further on the matter. Or maybe she wasn’t supposed to speak about it at all.

She looked at her work and smoothed her dress, you stood as she reached for the stool. She cleaned the mess and tucked the cart into a bare corner of the room. She moved towards the basin and retrieved a cloth from inside the pedestal. She turned the water to warm and let it soak the cloth. Once it had expanded and water seemed to only roll off of it she turned the water off and rang the white square tight. 

“May I clean the rest of your face?” She asked as small trails of steam billowed from the fabric. 

“Uh, yeah. I mean--you may.” These formalities were still something to become accustomed to. 

She smiled as she used her free hand to tilt your chin up and over. She wiped your face with the same gentle caution she had used on your hand. 

“What’s your name?” You had let it slip, let the doors in your throat open to any words your mind deemed important. 

“I am your Gentlewoman.” Her words seemed more guarded now. Why was she so afraid of you? You pursed your lips and thought of how to word your next thoughts in a way that would get her to let her guard down. Finally she removed the cloth from your face and placed it on the cart. 

“Now we can begin dressing you for the celebration.”

Right. The celebration for the death of liberation.

You sighed, maybe a little too dramatically. The Gentlewoman turned to you, her eyes had softened. 

“Is everything alright M’lady?” She asked coming to your side. 

You moved towards the vanity and plopped down in front of it. You took in your appearance, you looked broken. 

“Do you believe in alternate universes?” You asked as your eyes traced each angle of your reflection. 

“Pardon?”

“Like that there’s another version of your story?” She didn’t respond but she seemed intrigued. “I’d like to imagine I’m on Naboo, or somewhere similar. I imagine a hut that’s all mine, no one else’s. I answer to myself and that’s it.” She retrieved a compact of powder and a foam puff from one of the drawers. 

“Does this other you enjoy her life?” She began to touch up your makeup. 

“I’d like to believe so. She also would have never gotten involved in politics.” You let out a small chuckle, it came out thick and old. It was the first time you’d laughed in, well you couldn’t remember the last time you laughed. 

“Do you imagine this as a safe space?” She seemed more curious than like she was trying to interrogate you. 

“In a way yes.” You folded your hands in your lap as she continued to work at your face. You let out another sigh. 

“I didn’t before. I had a lot less time to think about that kind of stuff when my only concerns were surviving the next five minutes.” You felt your face grow hot and tears prick at your eyes. 

The Gentlewoman paused, let the brush fall and opened her mouth. “Cecily.” She said, your eyes rose to meet hers. 

“My name. It’s Cecily.” For a moment you could see her, not the facade of Gentlewoman. But you saw who Cecily could be. You saw a sliver of salvation that you weren’t alone hurtling through time just waiting for the inevitable. Now you had someone who had a glimpse of your emotion, your desires. Someone who had actually taken you into consideration. ` 

The door hissed open and one of the girls from before stepped in, she treated Cecily as if she wasn’t there. 

“Supreme Leader Ren demands your presence.” Her words were an attempt at strength but fell short by about four voice cracks. You nodded, “Thank you.” 

The girl left, stamping her feet. They really did not like being around Cecily. 

“Come, we only have a few minutes to dress you.” Her movements became rushed as she tucked the products away.

Cecily moved towards the wall where nothing appeared to be except the cart placed in front of it. She placed a hand on one of the panels and pressed, it swiveled open to reveal a closet. You hoped that it would contain some of your old clothes, but there were only black gowns, robes, and shoes. Cecily retrieved a ball gown from the far back, the satin fabric could have been used as a mirror when the light hit just right. It had billowing chiffon sleeves that came up to expose your chest and wrap itself around your throat. 

As you undressed an awkward film covered yours and Cecily’s bodies alike. You were quickly helped into the gown which was zipped and flattened against your back. Maybe under any other circumstance you would have found this gown beautiful--except for the First Order symbol that attempted to tuck itself on your side. Discreet but everyone knew it was there. 

“Are you coming to the dinner?” You asked, turning to Cecily, something flashed in her eyes. A memory? 

She sighed and folded her hands over one another again and again. 

“A gentlewoman is not to be seen beyond the boudoir and chamber of the Supreme Leader and Empress.” Her words were laced with longing, but they sounded like someone else's words. 

You sighed knowing there was no way to rip yourself or Cecily from this reality. You took her hands in your own. 

Words escaped you and you sat in a suspended reality with Cecily. Your eyes wavered over hers, hoping she would understand you in a way not even you could. Slowly she removed her hands from your and pulled the lace veil from your head. 

“I hope you enjoy your dinner M’lady.” She gave a weak smile.

Watching as she grabbed the cart, she began to retreat out of the room. She hesitated but didn’t look back, you saw a small quiver repel down her spine and heard a small sigh. She straightened her back and finally her presence was only a memory, one of the men came in after you. 

“It’s time.” His voice was like eroded stone and ripped at your eardrums. 

You missed the presence of the veil that had hid you so well before. Now everyone could see the emotions bubbling in your eyes. 

You were scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I will try to update every week or so! I hope you stick around to see how this story pans out, sounds pretty crazy. Anyway, I hope you grow to love this as much as i do!


	2. Afraid of What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will you be able to stomach dinner? Or will your head spin too fast to comprehend your situation?

You were escorted through a sea of silence to the dining hall. The man who stalked in front of you dawned loosely similar armor to Ren's but his mask was drastically different. It was a grid of silver that ominously seemed to stare in every direction. You avoided looking at it, all you could think about was how many pleading faces had it come into contact with it. Soon the thumps of boots stopped and you were standing in a large arching doorway.

Before you sprawled reflective black surfaces, red draperies, rosy faced men, and exasperated women. At the very end of the room sat a throne and upon that throne sat your husband. No, lets try that again.

Before you sprawled black reflective surfaces, red draperies, rosy faced men, and exasperated women. At the very end of the room sat a throne and upon that throne sat your insanity. He watched as people danced, but it didn't intrigue him.

His gaze bore through the many bodies that stood between yourself and him. His eyes had settled on you, his gaze licked at the dress that covered your body. You felt more than exposed. Without a moment's hesitation he rose to his feet and the guards beside him stood to attention. This caused all the party goers to do the same, pull their wives close and praise their supreme leader. You were led deeper into the room, farther away from the memory of Cecily. Farther away from the thought of another you.

This was you, the only you.

You were placed next to Kylo Ren, his figure towering beside you. He loomed beside you like a growing black hole, sucking the comfort of the situation away from the crowd. Just as it seemed that someone was going to clear your throat Ren spoke.

"The galaxy is ours!" His voice boomed, ricocheting off of every available surface only to return to you and tear you apart from the inside.

Cheers erupted through the crowd, even the women were proud of this accomplishment. Your gaze remained blank, attempting to look somewhere other than the faces of the people who destroyed everything you stood for. You felt every inch of your skin begin to sweat. Was it hot in here?

No, it wasn't. In fact it was freezing, you caught a few of the women squirming as a shiver crawled over them.

"The First Order will always reign supreme!" His voice shot through you again, this time tearing through your lungs. Cutting off any air you had so desperately attempted to suck in.

Another short burst of cheers filled the volume of the room around you.

You were caught off guard when a leather gloved hand snatched yours from your side. You looked to see Ren holding it, he was attempting to signify unity. But you weren't the picture girl for Pro-First Order.

"My Lady Ren is living proof to the fall of the resistance!"

Lady Ren...

Your mind struggled to comprehend the title. You were fine with Empress and M'lady, but Lady Ren was different. His title labeled you as his property. Gazing out into the crowd you could see them waiting. Their eyes and ears hungry for your next movement, whatever poor excuse for words would stumbled from your mouth.

You swallowed noticing your throat had thickened with spit. You watched as they seemed to grow taller, tower over you, lean in. Covering you with their expecting bodies. You knew what you needed to say, you knew what they wanted to hear. But the words were a truth you labeled a lie.

"Long live the First Order." You croaked out in a small voice. They cheered for your false thoughts. You looked at Kylo, you knew your words weren't your own truth. But with the power Ren wielded, your mind began to toy with the idea--the First Order will never die.

Your gaze lingered on Ren, he seemed displeased with the whole affair. You wondered if there was anything that truly impressed him.

He raised a hand and motioned with two fingers. Men wearing starchy, crisp suits pushed carts of food through the archway. Kylo still hadn't let go of your hand, he wasn't squeezing it or holding it loosely, for a second your mind wondered if he was holding it to protect it. Protecting the paper thin skin that covered fragile bones. But as your eyes trailed back up to his, you were reminded that it was all for show. The dress, the ring, the bandage on your hand, it was all a symbol for the power of the First Order.

Kylo Ren had destroyed the resistance and now it's symbol was his. He owned the last fragment of the resistance in his hands and he could crush it at will. He could crush you at will.

But you still wanted to believe that love hadn't died. That Ren hadn't taken everything from you. 

A shiver built in your spine, Kylo felt your hand jerk. His gaze darted back to you, a fire filled his eyes and picked at your frame. He said nothing, letting his eyes pick you apart from your bones. With no sign of remission he pulled you to the dining table. Everyone watched as your steps were a measly attempt to match his. With every step you thought you were going to topple over, crash into the black mirror at your feet. But Kylo led you to your seat with distaste lingering in his gaze.

Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks. You thought as everyone began to gather around the sprawling table, it seemed to go on forever.

He sat at the head and you to his left. You received your food first, well Kylo did but you were second. A thick slab of meat sat on a white plate, along with an assortment of steamed vegetables, and a golden roll dripping at the sides with butter. None of it looked appetizing.

You watched the men, as soon as their food was placed in front of them they began to salivate. The women were more poised but still looked over the contents with a ravenous flicker in their eyes. If they were so enamored by meat and some steamed veggies, what did they eat on a regular basis? Kylo waited until the man at the end of the table received his food, it was a ginger man. That much you could make out. He seemed familiar yet you couldn't quite place him.

Kylo waited, your gaze scanned across the people once more. Maybe he wasn't waiting for them, rather they were waiting for him. He took his time taking the carving knife in his hand, your vision distorted to the memory of the knife that cut your flesh open. Your stomach turned and twisted, causing a sick feeling to lodge itself in your throat. You were brought back to the reality of Ren tearing through the lifeless flesh that sat upon his plate.

Eyes wandering you noticed that his hands did, in fact, dwarf the size of anything that he held. The thick metal base of the knife was like a swords hilt in your hand, but seemed like a metal toothpick in Ren's.

You must have let your uninterrupted thoughts trail for too long. A wife beside you nudged you. You turned, seeing a short plump woman, resembling a bundt cake, sitting in the chair next you.

"Are you feeling alright?" The wrinkles in her brow distorted as her features morphed into a look of concern. No, you were not feeling alright. You wanted to run, to cry, to scream. You wanted to do anything but sit here and eat with the people who destroyed you.

"Yes, I feel great."

Are you stupid?

The woman smiled and returned to her half eaten food. You stared at your own and it seemed to stare back. You felt a welling pain in your throat only grow, push itself towards your lips. It begged to be released. The scream pleaded to tear through your throat, leave ripped vocal chords in its wake, take away your ability to ever speak again. But you pushed it down with a mouthful of vegetables.

Your stomach fought the food, wanting to vault it back through your body. But you sucked in a deep breath and took a sip of water.

You hadn't noticed that wine had been poured, your glass sparkled with a dark crimson liquid. Your mind twisted it into the shape of thick blood that had dripped from your hand only hours before. You felt a sharp pain in your hand that drug you back to reality, your thumb dug into the bandage until it was the same color as the wine that filled your glass. You quickly snatched the glass by its stem and took a long gulp.

You had now caught the attention of more people. They all stared at you as if you had ripped your clothes off and exposed your bare skin. Your gaze darted to Ren, he hadn't noticed. He was too involved in the meticulous procedure of eating his food. You placed the wine glass back beside your plate, you instantly felt a warmth wash over you.

You were able to stomach a few more bites of food, it was actually starting to taste decent. Or maybe it was just the wine tricking you into thinking everything was okay. That you were safe.

You looked at the guard beside you, he held a scythe, ready to cut down anyone who lunged towards you. Maybe you were safe.

No. No. No you weren't. Don't be stupid.

Because if you made any sudden movement you'd be cut down as well. That was a reality that made your head spin and your sight lag. You looked back at your half eaten food, you knew you weren't going to finish it. If you took another bite there was no question as to if it would come back up. It would be how fast?

"Are you not enjoying the food?" The voice that haunted your bones broke through the screams in your mind.

"Oh uhm," you looked up to see Kylo's gaze tear through you with steely eyes. "I'm full is all..." You bowed your head hoping to avoid any further questions.

A disgruntled hum left his body, by now mostly everyone had finished and had picked up their own personal conversations. You wanted it to be over, you wanted to go back to whatever hole they would put you in next and cry.

Somewhere distant music started, then it grew louder. It was an elegant orchestra, but it only chilled your bones with each chord. You swallowed as you watched the men take their wives ever so gently by the hand. They led them to the center of the room and began to spin. Holding one another so close they could have fused into one person. Kylo adjusted his gloves and stood, you watched his figure stack itself higher and higher. From where you sat it seemed like his black hair scraped the ceiling. He held out his hand, an invitation that could not be denied.

You looked at your own hands, they were trembling and cold. You looked back to his, impatiently dangling in front of your face. Biting your lip you placed yours in his.

He twisted his arm so his hand rested on the middle of his back, pushing through the crowd you were protected by the breadth of his figure. You had no other choice than to walk closely at his heels while the crowd seemed to swallow you. Finally when you reached somewhere in what you thought was the middle Kylo stopped and adjusted himself to face you. He didn't once let go of your hand.

Kylo grabbed the other hand that hung at your side and placed it on his chest. You felt his heartbeat, it was fast and sporadic. Thumping against your hand like if it knocked hard enough you'd open his chest and let it out. He placed his free hand at the small of your back. Pressing himself close to you, you watched as he methodically mapped out his steps before taking them.

His body moved yours, twirling, spinning, swaying. He held you close and for a moment your head lulled, begging to rest on his chest. A memory of habit, you brushed it off. You looked up, his eyes were quiet. A dull ember flickered in them, you noticed the thumping of his heart had subsided. But you still were unable to fully relax under his touch. It was an strange experience, you had watched this man boil with anger, degrade you, take away the freedom of decision—and now he was calm in front of you. Letting himself seep into you. He seeped into you like...like...blood.

A splitting pain shot through your skull, you winced. Ren's movements slowed, his gaze found yours. Everything besides his features and flowing black tresses seemed to blur. He was in your head, you could do nothing but look up at the man that stood before you.

You're afraid.

His voice held no substance but it bounced off the walls of your skull. The room spun around you like you had been standing still. Were you?

Yes you were afraid. But you were also tired, angry, spinning in a dismal storm. A storm you had created, with your decisions. If you had never taken part in the resistance you wouldn't have been against the first order. You would have never been a beacon of hope for surrounding systems. Kylo Ren would have never known who you were.

All these feelings you felt inside, each one that clawed at every inch of your existence was your fault. And that is what you were so afraid of.

...of yourself?

His grip on your back tightened, you had no choice but to mush your face on his chest. Was he attempting to protect you? Or maybe the more surface of you he touched the more he could hear?

Your mind went silent and you were a rag doll being led in a waltz to foreign music. You peaked beyond the rippling fabric of Ren's cloak. You saw people beyond it--real people. They were smiling as they twirled around each other, seeming to think they were the only people in the room. They chose to be here, whether they were dragged to the first order before this, they made the choice to live in this reality. Why couldn't you?

As your ear grew warmer against Ren's chest, you could hear the constant humming of his breath. He chose to be here too. But worst of all, he chose you to be here with him.

What was he doing? Why did he need a Lady Ren? He could lead without you, he could have killed you. He could have wiped the resistance from the face of the galaxy. But he hadn't, he took your hand, albeit forcefully, he chose your hand.

No matter the emotion you gave his decision, he was still a shell of a being. That truth, you could not shake. He was something greater than a monster but no lesser a human.

The waltz seemed to last for hours, not that you grew impatient waiting for it to end. What could you have been in such a rush to do anyway?

You thought of Cecily mostly. Had she ever experienced something like this? You wondered what she was before this. Even Nurse Cecily was a story you'd like to hear. Something about her made you want to know so much more. The way her words were honeyed but honest, they hung from her mouth in an elegant spiral of posh. Did everyone in the First Order talk like that? The girl who led you to the boudoir did, Cecily did, even Ren had a certain elegance in his rough voice. You thought of how he could get in your head.

Was he listening to you now? Kylo?

Nothing. You looked up, his stoic demeanor hadn't shifted. He still seemed calm however, were you calming him? Or was the fact that you weren't disobeying him the reason for his serenity?

Stars, you ask yourself too many questions. Finally the music faded out and what was left was love drunk couples, mostly the younger ones. Kylo hadn't let you go, instead he let his arms linger on you a second longer.

His eyes snapped back to you, he retracted his grasp. He pursed his lips as he took in your appearance.

"It suits you." He tugged at the hip of your dress, signaling the embroidered First Order symbol.

You were frozen, he complimented you. It was basically a compliment directed towards himself and more than likely meant to tear you down. But something about the wine in your belly and spinning of your head wanted him to be human for just a moment. So his words were a compliment.

You nodded in agreement, Kylo spun to return to the throne. His powerful legs driving his steps into the floor with a strength you had only seen a handful of times in your life. He reached the throne but he did not sit instead he inhaled deep and shot his voice into the sea of people.

"Return to your regularly scheduled duties at 0700."

You noticed as bodies shifted behind you like they wanted to protest but couldn't.

"Dismissed."

The crowd dispersed, leaving you alone with Ren. You looked at the six men that stood on either side of him. Well, as alone as it gets. You didn't know what you expected, but you stood in suspension as you watched him do virtually nothing. The awkward silence grew thick, weighing on your chest and pulling at your knees.

"So, I-" You began but were silenced by Kylo holding his hand up, you didn't stop yourself from speaking--he did. You attempted to swallow past the silence that had been forcefully lodged in your throat.

"Your words are very frantic for such bold thoughts." He mused his words as they dripped from his tongue like black honey.

You were sobered by his words, he was trying to intimidate you. He released whatever hold he had on your words.

"Being forced to marry a monster can do that to a person." You choked out.

"That's how you think of the man that saved you?" He strode toward you, using little effort to get as close to you as possible. He was almost on top of you, his eyes filled with a hunger you had only seen in killers.

"Save me from what, exactly?" You didn't quite know how but you felt a drop of confidence ripple through you.

Ren moved nimble and quick. His hand found a clump of hair to tear back, exposing your throat and subjecting your gaze to his. You felt the breath escaping his nose fall and tumble across your face. He was breathing heavily, not in exertion, but in anger. Anger at the ignorance he perceived you to have.

He moved his lips so they brushed your ear, you shivered. A deep warmth pooled inside you, was this seriously turning you on? He tightened his grip on your hair, earning a low strangled moan to sheepishly escape you.

"From yourself." His words sent shock waves of ecstasy, fear, and hatred through you. Oh how easy it would be to spit on him, cover his face in a symbol of disgrace.

His lips drew even closer to you, "I'd love to see you try, Empress." Your title leaving his mouth held little substance.

He threw your head back and barked an order at two of the statue men beside the throne.

"Take her to my quarters." He walked to the throne without looking back.

Two of the men walked towards you and reached out to grab your arms that had been dangling at your sides. But you pulled them in close and shot a, not very intimidating, glare at both of them.

"I'm not stupid, I can walk."

The footfalls grew quiet as you entered the hallway. You turned to catch a fleeting glimpse of Ren, his black hair falling in waterfalls in front of his face, his fingers steepled below his nose.

Fuck he's beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is kinda beautiful Reader Chan, it's okay to admit it. ;)  
> Ahh! Chapter two! I'm so EXCITED! Ok, cool it baby. Anyway, I stayed up for 72 hours writing and revising this because I couldn't get my brain to focus but I couldn't sleep until it was finished. I hope you enjoyed it!


	3. I Can Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Speak when you're angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." -Harry H. Jones

You were escorted through the ship for the third time that day. If it wasn't for the constant frequency of fear humming through your body, you would have been annoyed by the fact. Each corner you rounded a new sliver of anger lodged itself deeper into your mind. How could they have the audacity to ask if you were okay when you were merely a glorified prisoner? How could they feel love when they had just witnessed someone be married against their will? You wanted to hurt someone, anyone.

You rounded one last corner and were met with a stretching hallway, there were no other doors except for the one nestled at the very end. Every other panel was glass that stretched to the ceiling and exposed the galaxy above. You lost yourself in the thought of glass shattering, a vacuum of pressure pulling you to the stars. You would rather suffocate than lay in Kylo Ren's bed. It would probably be a lot more comfortable. The two men in front of you halted at either side of the door, you looked between them. You more than likely looked like an idiot with trembling limbs and wide eyes. But you liked to believe that you looked mysterious and intimidating.

One pressed a red button causing the door to slide open, hissing as it went. Silently stepping in, it sensed when you were safely inside and returned to a privacy position. You sighed as your eyes scanned the dark room, you didn't like it. It was barren, everything seemed like a symbol for the path forced in front of you. But you wanted your life to mean something more than being a symbol of the First Order's power and strength. You hadn't decided what exactly you wanted your life to mean yet, you thought you'd have more time to figure it out. But you knew that this wasn't all you were going to be. It couldn't be.

It felt odd walking through quarters that you knew were meant to be yours, a shared safe space with your _husband_. Yet you felt like you were in danger. Your heart raced and every muscle in your body constricted as tight as it could. Kylo Ren wasn't your husband. He had ruined that for you. The title, _husband_ , and the person it belonged to was enough to induce a hot rage to run through your veins.

The room was more than barren you noticed. A bed sat in the middle of the room with dark coverings and pillows that looked to be rock hard, a book shelf neatly organized in a language you had never seen before, and a large desk with a neatly positioned calligraphy set. Everything seemed like it hadn't been used, only placed for effect, to make it appear that whoever inhabited this space had more hobbies than domination.

You had no problem with the power that came with ruling over people. Everyone craved that power to some degree. But what didn't sit well with you was the blind rage attached to it. The 'Cut anyone down who stands between me and my power' mentality. It wasn't right—it was _inhumane._ It was unnecessary when there were other means to get what you wanted. Or it could have just been the fact that Kylo Ren had _literally_ ruinedyour life. So maybe, that's why you hated it so much.

You decided to explore the room, starting with the bed. It was softer than it appeared. The sheets were a velvety silk. The pillows, however, were harder than you would have liked. But for all you knew you wouldn't live long enough to get a kink in your neck from them. Next you scanned the bookshelf. The spines of the foreign books were worn and cracked. You were close enough to smell them, the scent was a mixture of dust and old paper. You ran your fingers across them. Letting the bumpy details stimulate the pads of your fingers. When you removed your hand and looked it was coated in dust. Shaking your head you wiped them on your dress. Like it seemed everyone in Kylo's life was, the books were merely decoration. A message saying "I'm smart and powerful." You, however, like to believe he was an idiot.

Next you moved towards the desk, running your fingers across the black surface, you were drawn to the calligraphy set. You expected it to have a layer of dust coating the pages and pens, however you could still see remnants of prints that had been transferred by whoever wielded the dark utensil. Your attention shifted to the papers positioned perfectly in the center of the smooth black surface. There were letters constructed of swirls, loops, intricate lines and neat edges. Looking past the artistry of the handwriting you were able to translate what the design read.

_She will be mine._

You knew exactly who had written it, and somewhere deep down inside you, you hoped the female in question wasn't you. You shuffled back from the desk, your body colliding with something firm. You turned to see his face, pale skin contrasted against dark waves and hazel eyes, he was _beautifully_ horrific.

Had you been so lost in his handwriting you hadn't heard the door open? His eyes scanned over you, you could see a dark flame burning in them. There was a tension radiating from his covered muscles, however his expression and posture remained composed almost calm. Hell, he was a confusing man.

"You've been looking through my things." He was so close to you he almost had to touch his chin to his chest to look at you.

"Well I-"

"You were to wait for me." He hucked his helmet onto the bed, a soft thud erupted somewhere behind you.

You felt so much defiance towards Kylo. Yet whenever his body was so close you could hear his breathing sync to the rise and fall of his chest, you failed at any attempt of an elaborate phrase. You sighed, and backed away from him.

You looked intently at Kylo, his eyes didn't burn and his fists failed to clench. This was your chance. This was your window to plead with the human under the blanket of black terror. You took in a deep breath and folded your hands in front of you, mustering any confidence you had to make yourself appear strong.

"You..." You paused, his gaze didn't falter. His undivided attention was focused purely on you. "You know I don't want to be here." You finished, your voice was meeker than intended but there was no going back.

"Yes." He didn't shift, he didn't sway, he didn't flinch.

"So why am I?" A rage bubbled inside you, it wasn't one that could be choked down. You couldn't bite your tongue and hold it back. It was spilling from you like lava, ready to burn anything in its path.

"You can try to leave." He was unimpressed with you yet again. He was toying with you, treating you like a child.

"No I can't and you _know_ that." Again, he remained still. "Ugh! How are you so fucking _dense_?" You threw your hands up in aggression. "You're supposed to be a Supreme Leader." You stabbed at the air towards him with your finger. "But all I see is an insolent _child_ on a power trip." You scoffed folding your arms across your chest.

"Are you through?" His brow cocked back like he knew you were all talk and no bite.

"No, no I'm not." You spat. "You are such an ass!" You sounded like a toddler using grown up words but you didn't care. "You use your power to hurt not to rule." You thought you were getting under his skin but it was hard to tell. "You tear down anything in your path. With that stupid red sword!" You threw your arms in the direction of the lightsaber attached to his belt.

"I'd choose your next words very carefully." His jaw clenched, his eyes swept across you in a flurry of anger. You were scratching the surface, but you wanted to cut him deep.

"That's why you sliced your mentor in half!"

His fists clenched.

"It's why you tried to blow your own mother up!"

His hand rested on the metal hilt.

"It's your reason for killing your father!"

A red energy erupted beside him as a bright flame flickered in his eyes. But you couldn't stop, not now. You could taste your escape and it was sweet.

"It's why you killed your mother and the legacy she fought to create!" He began thrashing at the walls around him. You felt fear rise to your throat, tears welling in your eyes as this towering frame of energy slashed his way towards you.

"You're just a sad man child who was given the power of an emperor you'll never be!"

One final push and Kylo was an ocean of fury. He closed in on you, he was silent except for the screams in his eyes and the grunts that left his chest when he arced the weapon above his head. Finally he reached you, you felt a searing heat. Your head spun, you couldn't tell if it was the heat from his blade or the heat of his rage.

Your back was up against the wall, Kylo's anger seemed to blaze off of him. He began swinging at the wall beside you, you shut your eyes tight and sunk to the floor. You let out a series of screams and sobs. Is this what it felt like to be sliced through by a lightsaber?

Your mind twisted to an image of Kylo panting over your lifeless body, his anger diminished to columns of smoke swirling up to the ceiling. There was no blood, the heat of the lightsaber had cauterized every slash that covered the surface of you. He salivated at the site of your limp, lifeless limbs. They couldn't talk back, they couldn't accuse him. He found that more enticing than the thought of your naked body, vibrant with life and vigor. He felt ecstacy ripple through his veins as the thought of your cold body encapsulated every inch of his mind. He knelt down, his hand exploring every curve without protest.

No. Stop. You're not dead. He's not touching you. You're scared. No you were _horrified_. Stop, stop, STOP.

Finally the immediate heat was gone and all that was left was the simmering or scorched metal. You opened your eyes to see Kylo, his chest heaved. The red bolts of his saber had retreated, he attached it back to his belt. He sucked in air as he pushed a thread of sweaty hair from his face. You began to let out a relieved sigh. You were stopped short by a swift movement from Kylo. He knelt down and grabbed your throat, pushing you up the wall. You felt a raw edge of metal tear your dress and rip your flesh. You winced against his palm, attempted to kick your feet out but his reach was too long.

You clawed at his gloved hand but it didn't seem to phase him. Between a burst of kicks he flattened his body against yours, you felt every single inch of him pressing against you. He shifted and something poked your leg. _Every single fucking inch._

"Look at the mess you've caused." His words shot through his teeth, you winced when his breath hit your neck. He brought his lips to your ear and ghosted the curve of it.

"Never pull a stunt like that again." He whispered. He pulled you from the wall and placed his hand on your back, he held a steady pressure. He began to lead you from the room. You didn't look back, but from the sound of sparks flying and the heat that cooled the farther away you were from the nightmare, you knew something terrible coursed through you. A terrible something you could never forget— _you would never forget._

"Get her to the medical wing, and find her Gentlewoman." Kylo handed you to one of the guards, the other set off down the hall.

You shied away from the guards grasp.

"I'll walk by myself."

Kylo hadn't fully retreated back into the room, he stopped at the threshold. "Get her a stretcher." His voice was smooth.

You wondered how much the guards had heard. Did they care? Most likely not, they were only there for Ren. Not you.

Soon a stretcher hovered down the hallway. You clambered onto it, taking extra care not to stretch too far. You laid on your side and watched the galaxy around you as the heavy pounding of boots was the only noise you could hear.

You closed your eyes. You thought of another you.

It's Naboo again. You're alone. You're sitting on a beach, your legs pulled to your chest. You're happy. You have your own hut. You don't worry about anything else but laughing, sunbathing, and eating. You look up at the sky, the stars are beautiful. They're different that's why. A collection of constellations you've never seen before, constellations that mean so much to this other you. They were white dotting a black night sky that told another story, they told of a girl who was strong. She fought back. She wasn't you. Not now.

You're brought back to reality by the beeping of monitors. You've arrived in the medical wing. It's white like the boudoir, less black details were to be spotted. You were pushed into a room and left. Soon Cecily burst through the door.

" _Shit_." She clapped her hand over her mouth. "I-I mean are you alright, m'lady?" She let her hands hover above the wound.

"Is it bad?" Your voice was weak. You weren't sure if the adrenaline had kicked in or if there was nothing there at all.

" _Yes_." She didn't hold back. You buried your head in your arms. "Okay. I know how to fix this." She rushed around the room. Pressing buttons, filling vials, and entering equations. "Hold still. It shouldn't hurt."

Mechanical arms that previously hovered above you clanked to life and began moving around your back. The only sensation you felt was the occasional jolt of electricity from one of the arms. 

"What happened?" Cecily sat in front of you. You looked up, her rosy cheeks burned with an anxious heat.

"Kylo he..." You weren't able to find the words.

"It's like..." You felt your throat constrict.

"He went," you sucked in a sharp breath. "He went dark." The memory was too unbearable.

"I want to forget it." You shook your head.

For a moment you sat in the silence and whirring of the mechanical arms. Cecily shifted, like she wanted to say something but didn't have the words for it.

"When I first saw someone go berserk-" she held her hands out in front of her, "Not that I'm saying it compares to this at all." She folded her hands in front of her, she did this repeatedly like she couldn't decide which way felt more comfortable.

"I was still training. I don't remember my year, they've all blended together." She waved the clouded thoughts away. "It was in the mess hall, General Hux was there for some reason. I really could not tell you why they decided to do this in the mess hall." She gulped. "Anyway. He was scolding an officer for 'shirking his duties'" she made finger quotes. "The guy just did not get it. He just kept laughing. Finally Hux snatched the blaster from this guy's hand and just blew a whole through his chest." She seemed desensitized to the memory.

She perked up to look at your back then focused back on your face.

"Myself and a few other nurses shot up to run over there and try to save him. But Hux pointed the blaster at us and began screaming like a mad man." She pulled on her fingers. "I don't think I've ever seen so much rage from another person."

You could tell there was something deeper, something far more grave than she was letting on. Something dark and twisted consumed Cecily in that moment.

She waved the conversation out of the air and stood. The medical arms had made quick work of your back, you remained on your stomach, head lulled to the side and half buried.

"I'll send this stretcher to your spare room. I'll be in shortly with some pajamas and a bandage. Try not to move much." Her lips tugged into that Gentlewoman smile, not a real one.

The stretcher moved on its own accord to the door and Cecily pressed the button for it to open. The same guard that had escorted you to the medical wing began to walk beside you. He followed the stretcher, it was the ominous square masked one. You wondered what he looked like under it. Was he old or young? Was he good looking? His voice kind of made that hard to believe.

"Do you ever take that stupid mask off?" You groaned. The man looked down to you but didn't answer.

"Oh so you don't talk unless you're doing Ren's bidding. Got it." You attempted to readjust yourself but winced in pain, the skin that had been ripped open was still sensitive. You heard the man snort under his mask.

"Screw you." You spat.

The rest of the way to the spare room was spent in silence. When you reached the door it was the same procedure. A button was pressed, the door opened, and the stretcher hovered to the center of the room. You waited, no sign of Cecily yet. You decided to get up. On the far wall was a large window looking out over the galaxy, adjacent to it was the bed. There was a mirror beside the bed. You attempted to wiggle out of your dress but you were too sore to reach the zipper instead you attempted to turn and run your fingers along the ripped fabric. You couldn't do that either.

The door hissed open, you expected it to be Cecily. But it was a towering masked figure. You averted your gaze, focusing intently on your hands. Suddenly the details you had seen your entire life proved very interesting. You stood with the darkness in an elongated silence. You were trembling, with each passing second the tremors grew more violent. You heard his steps draw near, you began to back up but hit the wall. You wished you could seep into the metal. Kylo raised his hand, you flinched.

"Please-" you pleaded slightly louder than expected.

Instead Kylo's hand gently rested on your jaw. You had flashbacks. Blood, pain, heat. All within the last 12 hours. What the _fuck_ were you becoming?

You felt his warmth through the leather, something about it calmed every nerve in your body while simultaneously making them shriek in fear. You were coming undone before him while simultaneously twisting yourself tighter and tighter in an attempt to protect yourself. Was this what he wanted?

He gently lifted your gaze to meet the slit of his mask. He seemed to study you, you wish you knew what was going on beyond the silver casings and black metal. He stroked your cheek with his thumb, a heat built inside you.

"Turn." His deep electronic voice sent a chill through you.

You followed his instructions, you heard the sound of air being released then a muffled thud. He had discarded his mask onto the bed. You turned to look at him, he pulled the black leather from one of his hands. He reached for the zipper of your dress. You shook in anticipation. For what? You weren't sure. He gripped the small mechanism and pulled it down your back. His hands, one gloved, one calloused and bandaged, explored your back as you pressed yourself into the wall. He slipped his hands under the fabric and up to your shoulders. He coaxed the dress off your shoulders, down your arms. He pulled it from your wrists. Your top half was exposed to the wall now. Your first instinct was to cover your chest. Kylo let out a sigh.

"I-I just, I'm not comfortable with-" You were cut off by Kylo pressing himself into you. You felt his lips ghost your shoulder.

"It's okay." He whispered those words into your skin. You swore you could feel them tattoo themselves in the exact spot he spoke into.

You felt your body grow hot and Kylo's gloved hand found its way to your stomach.

"I can wait." He placed a kiss this time. The gentleness of it coaxed a gasp to escape your lips.

But could you?

The door hissed open and Kylo stepped back from you and snatched his helmet and glove.

"It's healed nicely." He reattached his helmet and pulled his glove on. You turned your head to see Cecily in the doorway. She stepped in and to the side as Kylo lingered.

"I won't be joining you tonight Lady Ren." You wished it was his real voice. "I hope you can forgive me." He disappeared and the door shut leaving you in silence with Cecily.

You hadn't realized you were holding your breath until Cecily cleared her throat. You turned, chest still covered with your arm. She didn't question you, an understanding silence settled over the two of you. But you knew her understanding of the situation was far different from yours.

Mostly because you had no understanding of what the hell just happened.

You sat on the bed facing away from Cecily as she placed a bandage over your back. 

"I thought I told you not to move." She scolded, not angrily. She was concerned. 

"I just..." You looked up at her, you couldn't tell her what had really happened. Well you could, but you didn't want to. "I just wanted to see what it looked like was all, Kylo helped me undo my dress." Your voice was small. You weren't entirely sure if Cecily hurt you.

"If you insist, M'lady." Disgust laced her words, you knew she didn't believe this half truth. 

She placed silk pajamas next to you, you took the opportunity to put them on when she moved the stretcher to the hallway. You hadn't realized how exhausted you were until your head hit the pillow. You hadn't even pulled the covers over you yet.

"Cecily...?" You called out, facing the large window.

"Yes M'lady?" You heard her, she was sitting in the corner of the room.

"Come lay with me." You felt tears begin to prick at your eyes.

"Uhm, M'lady I'm not sure that that's-" Her words were uneven.

"Just for a moment." Your voice was breaking.

You heard shuffling then felt the bed sink behind you. You felt Cecily's warmth in a way you hadn't before. The security of Cecily beside you made it easier to slip into sleep, Kylo's words lingered in your mind as you trailed to rest.

_I can wait._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET"S GO CHAPTER 3! I actually felt so many emotions writing this. But I'm so happy with how it turned out! 
> 
> Are you guys liking Cecily? Besides the reader she's probably my favorite character to write. (Sorry Kylo :'() I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. One last thing: When quarantine is over and I go back to work updates will be every Friday! (Also I figured out formatted text on her wow whatta dumby am i right?)


	4. Burn for Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren tore you apart only to come and attempt to put you back together in his own messed up way. After the long night you had, a bath sounds amazing.

Your body and mind were awake but your eyes remained shut. You were alone, Cecily must have left not long after you drifted off. You felt the sheets surround you, a distant warmth encapsulated you. You remembered the events from the day before. The ceremony, the blood, the dinner. A dark cloud lingered inside you where the next memory resided, you wanted to forget it more than anything. But your hands trembled at the thought of how anger dripped from Kylo like acid. It pooled at the floor and bubbled towards you, ready to burn every inch of you.

He had the opportunity to crush you, silence you forever. But he didn’t. He had hurt you physically, but something about his voice and the events that took place against the wall told you that it wasn’t intentional. He came to see you, make sure you were alright. At least that’s what you wanted to believe.

You weren’t his toy, you weren’t an object. You were a living, breathing being that he cared for. Even if it was only for a moment. Even if it was the hardest thing you ever had to believe.

“Entrance is being requested.” An electronic voice filled your head. You shot up rubbing your eyes, you had never heard anything like it before.

“Uh, granted?” You held the covers close to you, you shivered as the unknown crept through your mind.

You held your breath as the door slid open and light poured in from outside. You saw the silhouette of a boxy dress that seemed to be cinched at the waist by an apron. The body reached to their side and pressed a button on the glowing pad situated by the door and the lights slowly increased their brightness, Cecily stood there.

“Good morning M’lady.” She bowed.

“Morning Cecily.” You said back your voice dripping with sleep.

Cecily cleared her throat and shot a glance at the open door. She shook her head along with it.

“Uh, I mean- Good morning Gentlewoman.” You bit your lip and Cecily breathed a sigh of relief.

“How’d you sleep?” She asked standing at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed in front of her. You looked around you, the sheets bundled around you and a pillow had been pushed off the bed.

“I guess good…” You didn’t recall dreaming, you only remembered black.

Cecily nodded and went to a panel, pressing on it. It opened like the one in the boudoir had. It was significantly smaller and only held a black robe and slippers. She pulled them out, and placed the robe on the bed and the slippers below it on the floor.

“Your quarters have been repaired Lady Ren, you didn’t get a chance to bathe last night.” Cecily’s voice was monotone, a complete shift from the night before. You wanted to question her but had the feeling you wouldn’t get very far.

“Right.” You sighed pushing yourself from the bed.

You slipped the cool fabric of the robe over your skin, wincing as the sensitive part of your back seemed to be pulled tight. Cecily subtly bit the inside of her lip as she watched you. You slipped your feet into the slippers, they were far too big but there was nothing else. The dress that had laid on the floor had been removed, most likely when Cecily left last night.

Outside in the hallway were three of the guards that had been with Kylo last night. Their weapons seemed more polished now, they reflected the light in at a mind numbing brightness. Or maybe it was just your head pounding with the memories of the night prior.

You thought of Kylo, the men surrounding you reminded you too much of him, after all they were made in his image. Or he was made in theirs. You wanted to hate Kylo, make it easier to crucify him, but you couldn’t. Your mind empathized with his pain in a strange way, the way his eyes had boiled when you brought up his parents. It was a cheap move and you knew that, but you wanted to hurt him. You wanted him to know how you felt in a way, you wanted to remind him that he was missing something too. You didn’t know what you were missing, maybe normalcy. You knew it wasn’t whatever relationships you had before this, but you still craved it. That’s why you wanted so badly to connect with Cecily, why you were pushing to hold her so close.

Either way, you were being split in two when it came to your feelings towards Kylo. Part of you hated him, wanted him to be torn apart until all that was left was the exposed weaknesses of a man. Because that’s all he was. But he was still a man, a man you wanted to come undone under. Have him pull your threads until you unraveled for him, let him rebuild you in his image. You wanted him to explore you--you wanted him to know every inch of you was hopelessly devoted to him.

You felt a warmth build in your stomach, _oh no._

Had the thought of Kylo Ren actually turned you on? Were you that hungry for affection that the thought of Kylo touching you like he had last night was actually sparking a fire in you? You felt a wave of ecstasy wash over you as the memory of his hand on your stomach and lips against your skin bore deeper into your conscious stream of thought.

You were thankful you would be cleaning yourself. You could burn the memory of Kylo touching your skin with water set to a boiling temperature.

The guards led you through the hallways, they seemed to choose ones that were deserted. Most likely they were trying to avoid letting anyone see you so disheveled. You looked to Cecily, her eyes were trained on the ground in front of her as she pulled at her fingers. You noticed she had been doing it since you started walking.

You rounded a familiar corner to be met with the same stretching hallway and door nestled at the end. Your breath began to shake as you neared the door. One of the men in front pressed the red button to open the door and Cecily led you inside. Your breath hitched as you saw the same spot that Ren had torn apart. It was now rebuilt like nothing had ever happened, whoever cleaned up after him was damn good at their job.

You remembered the way Kylo’s anger had crashed into you like a large wave. He surrounded you, he controlled you, he could break you. But he didn’t, he sent you to the medical wing then came to find you. Perhaps it wasn’t to see if you were okay. He unzipped your dress, pressed you up against the wall, but that time it wasn’t out of anger. There was something else. You didn’t want to label it as lust. Maybe it was his ever growing hunger to dominate, to own everything he touched.

Yes. That’s what it was. No, he wasn’t a human who had a desire for affection. He was a dark entity hungry for prepotence.

“M’lady?” Cecily called to you, she had opened a door beside the desk, it led down a long hallway that had multiple doorways sprouting off of it.

You pulled yourself from the trance of Kylo’s darkness and followed close at her heels. She opened the third door on the left. The interior was made of smoothed black stone, there was a floating sink and a mirror above it with white lights skirting the perimeter. There was a walk in shower encapsulated in smoked glass nestled in the corner. On the far wall there was a window, much like there had been in the quarters you had slept in. Finally in the center of the room was a freestanding blalck tub. The thought of sitting and relaxing in it was so blissfully mind numbing you almost moaned in pleasure.

Cecily stepped towards the shower.

“Would it be alright if I took a bath?” You asked shyly.

Cecily stepped back from the shower.

“Of course. You don’t need to ask.”

She moved towards the bath and turned it on. She fussed with the hot and cold water sticking her hand under the stream to test the temperature. Finally she seemed pleased with it. She motioned for you to test it for yourself, sticking your hand under the water. It was warm, but not nearly hot enough to rid you of the feeling Kylo’s skin on yours had given you. You would adjust it when Cecily stepped out.

Cecily moved towards the door but stopped looking over her shoulder.

“I mean no disrespect when I say this.” She didn’t look at you. “When we are outside the boudoir we cannot be friends.” Her voice was cold, but there was a small hint of longing as her words trailed. “Beyond that room, I am Gentlewoman and you are Lady Ren.” She turned and disappeared beyond the doorway.

You were left with an odd feeling bubbling in your stomach. You knew how you latched on to Cecily had been unconventional, rushed in a way. But you didn’t feel upset when she said this, because it was a truth you wanted to avoid. You craved having a friend to show off, but that wasn’t part of the life that had been sprawled out before you. You sighed and began stripping. First came the slippers, then the robe, then your top. You noticed that there was nothing to assist you in removing the bandages. You would have to ask Cecily for assistance. As you reached down to grab the robe the door hissed open. Before you stood Kylo, his top half exposed. You gasped and your hands shot up to your chest.

He studied you for what felt like an eternity. His eyes tracing every curve, every bump, every detail that dotted your skin Kylo seemed to study with the intention of burning it into his memory.

“No. Continue.” He leaned up against the wall beside him.

You were frozen, he stood before you with a powerful presence. Even as he was exposed and his black hair tousled in his face he had control of the situation. He stood for a moment then stepped towards you, stopping to see how you would react. But you didn't, you sat still as he moved towards you. His calloused hands found your shoulders and gently spun you. He slowly pulled the bandage from your back, and ran his fingers along the tender skin. You winced and attempted to pry yourself from him, but he pulled you back in. Your back was now pressed to his stomach; you felt his skin stretch with his breaths.

“I told you I wasn’t comfortable.” You attempted to protest but the fire only burned hotter inside you.

“You forget I’m in your mind.” He whispered into your ear. His voice sent a rush of ecstasy through your body. He looked down at your hand.

“You can’t bathe yourself with your hand in that state.” He brushed a section of your hair behind your ear.

He was being nice to you. Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of The First Order was tending to you.

How _revolting._

“I-I…” You thought of Cecily, would she be in trouble for being so neglectful of the fact? “I told her I was fine. I could do it.” Your voice was weak and you tried to avoid the thoughts that screamed _liar_.

“No…” His hand ran down the length of your arm. “No, I did.” His voice low and smooth like dark honey.

His hands explored the length of your torso before finding the hem of your bottoms. His fingers hooked inside them and slowly dragged them from your hips, you shivered as the cold air encapsulated every inch of you. Once they hit the ground Kylo placed a kiss on your shoulder. He moved to the tub which was now filled, he shut the water off.

“Get in.” He demanded and so you did, you clambered in still covering your chest, you lowered yourself facing him. You felt less exposed that way.

The water was probably a few degrees above luke warm, you would have preferred scalding. You pulled your knees to your chest as Kylo knelt at the edge of the tub. He reached down, for the first time you noticed a small table beside the bath. There were clear bottles, a washcloth, and a bar of soap. Kylo grabbed the washcloth and dipped it in the water. You watched as the veins in his large hands and arms seemed to bulge as he wrung the fabric square. He then took the bar of soap and lathered it against the cloth. His hair fell in his face, obscuring your view of his concentrated expression.

He then moved so he was aligned with your back and placed the cloth against your skin. He was delicate and methodical, taking great care of the area that was swollen and pink. He pushed your hair over your shoulders as he washed the rest of your back. His touch was so gentle it was almost easy to forget it was Kylo Ren. _Almost._

He moved to your arms, he washed one while the other covered your chest. You watched him. This wasn’t Kylo, no. It was some sick joke. Kylo Ren was a monster, a murderer, a sadistically inhuman shell of humanity.

He rinsed the cloth in the water and hung it on the lip of the tub. One of his hands rested on the back of your neck while the other stabilized himself on the edge of the tub.

“Lie back.” You did. Hanging your bandaged hand out, it was already wet but you knew the temperature of the water would sting the open wound.

Your body slid down into the water, Kylo’s grip prevented you from being fully submerged in the water. Once you were both stable he used his other hand to coat your exposed hair with water. He guided your head back up and removed his hand from your neck. He took one of the clear bottles and squeezed its contents into his hand. He rubbed his palms together and moved them towards your hair. His hands were huge against your skull, he could crush it like a grapefruit. But he didn't. _He wouldn’t_. Instead he lathered your hair in the soap that smelled faintly of lilies. His torso stretched as he did this, giving you a clear view of a scar that was tucked at his side, it looked like something had ripped through him. You wanted to reach out and touch it, you wanted to feel his skin. You wanted to let yourself know that he was a human still.

He repeated the sequence of wetting your hair again. This time running his hand through your hair to make sure the soap was washed out of it. He then took the other bottle, which was conditioner, and did the same. Running his fingers gently through the tangles in your hair, then rinsing it out when he was done.

Now the water was murky and Kylo Ren sat back on his heels, taking you in. You felt your arms fall into the water as your head fell to the side. The stars dotted the galaxy behind him. You couldn’t tell which was more beautiful, a sleep soaked Kylo or the view beyond him. As his eyes sparkled with a dull emotion you felt a twinge of pain for what you had said the night before.

“I’m sorry…” Your words came out in a sigh.

Kylo studied you for a moment.

“You’re sorry that you think it burdened me.” His words were a cold truth, you just wanted to feel something for him--with him. “You meant it, and what you said was true.” His voice was strong but you couldn’t help but see him as weak only for a moment. He rolled the tension in his fists, he reached out and ran his hand in the water.

“You tell yourself you hate me.” He didn’t look away from his hand. “But there’s a part of you that yearns for me.” He stopped moving his hand and inched closer to you.

He was close enough that you could feel his breath in your wet skin.

“You burn for me.” His hand had disappeared in the water, you felt it slick against your thigh.

His fingers danced along your skin, inching closer to the source of your heat. Your lips parted as you watched him intently watch you. His fingers skimmed over your mound and found your belly, he felt the squishy flesh. His large fingers nimble as they danced along you. You wanted him to touch you— _to feel you._ You attempted to wiggle up the wall of the tub so his hand would fall between your legs. But instead he removed his hand from below the surface. He began tracing circles in the water.

You sat in silence. His brow furrowed in thought, no anger steamed from his skin only a thick mist of concentration. The water grew colder but you didn’t want to get out. Not now, not while Kylo had every part of you trembling for more of him. A hunger that you knew could never be satiated.

Finally his voice broke the silence.

“You’re right.” His voice was cold. “I do use my power to hurt not to rule.” His hand retreated from the water and he stood.

Without skipping a beat he spoke again, his voice cold and distant.

“If you yell at a bird to do something, they don’t listen.” He flicked the water dripping from his fingers. “But if you clip a bird’s wings and give it a few crumbs it will follow you to the ends of the galaxy.” He spoke looking down at you.

Something clicked inside you. You were the bird, he was clipping your wings. He had told what he would do in a passive message yet you knew what he meant.

He moved to the sink and dried his hands

“Kylo…” You called out as he reached the door.

“Yes?” He looked over his shoulder

“You’re a monster.” The disgust in your tone could not be hidden.

He let out a small chuckle.

“I know.” He turned so you could see his face. “I know, _bird_.”

He left and the door slid shut behind him.

Your stomach twisted, you felt sick.

You remembered how thought out Kylo’s tantrum now seemed, how he intentionally avoided hurting you until the last moment. He had clipped your wings.

Then when he visited you. The way his hands caressed you. And this, he took care of you so intently. He catered to you with so much compassion— _false_ compassion. He had fed you crumbs with the intention of you following him to the ends of the galaxy.

You screamed and rose from the tub letting water fly off of you. You flipped the table that sat beside the walls of the tub, you watched as the products sprawled on the floor in front of you.

It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours and you were so utterly and completely undone. But not in the way you wanted. He had ripped you apart, but he wasn’t going to rebuild you. He was going to lead you around mutilated, parade you like the broken trophy you were.

_Fuck Kylo Ren._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH! I know it's not Friday but I've been avoiding work so here's this. I tried to bring Cecily back a bit with this chapter but as the story progresses it will make more sense as to why the character latched onto her so quickly!
> 
> Also, if you voted for the garden scene on TikTok, I'm sorry! :( The top comment was the bathtub scene but I do have plans for Lady Ren to have a garden dammit! (Even though we are in space. Let me LIVE) Anyway, I hope you all are staying safe and if you need to reach out I'm always here. <3


	5. Ghost of The Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ghost of the Resistance can be used for more than just a message of power for the First Order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been reading as I update you may want to reread as I deleted a few parts.

The light beat down harsh and unforgiving, your head throbbed and you weren’t sure if it was from the lights or the sea of thoughts creating a tsunami in your mind. An ocean of troopers and First Order workers sprawled before you, grappling towards every wall, taking up any space they could. It was claustrophobic even though you were lifted above them, they all craned their necks to see you; study you. You avoided looking at them for too long, afraid of the realization that these people may actually want to be here or at least accepted that there is no other option--besides death. You focused on the metal floor at your feet, taking note of the dry lump lodged in your throat.

You heard the sound of the crowd standing to attention, your gaze flickered towards the back of the crowd. You could see a small red dot marching through the rows, bodies parting and dodging as he pushed past them. You were aware of Kylo’s presence next to you, however, it wasn’t comforting. He was like a nightmare looming next to you, an invisible string tied to you, linking you to him. A string that could not be broken; a thread of blood and imprisonment.

The red dot came into focus, he was a ginger, wearing a General’s uniform that was cinched tight around his neck. You wondered if he could breathe. You watched as he bowed his head towards the tower of black robes beside you.

“General Hux.” Kylo acknowledged him.

_Hux…_

The man who blew a whole through the chest of an ignorant soldier. _His_ ignorant soldier. You watched as he stepped forward to a podium placed in the center of the stage and admired the segregation of the crowd, a sea of white and grey. He breathed in deep and opened his mouth wide, letting thunderous words escape his throat.

“This is a monumental feat for the First Order!” His voice tore through your ear drums and left a dull ringing in the back of your head. “The resistance has been crippled, many outposts have bent to First Order reign!” Your chest tightened as you imagined the hope of refugees, prisoners, and fighters crumbling as news spread of the battle on Crait and the renewal of Kylo Ren’s tyranny. You felt Kylo’s hand brush against your dress, searching for yours. With hands crossed in front of you, you resisted the urge to step away from Kylo. It was all for show and you were not a trophy to be displayed.

“Systems have bowed and rebellions have been broken…” You tuned out Hux’s voice, eyes finally wandering over the crowd; a desire too strong to ignore any longer.

The troopers were a sea of expressionless masks, standing at attention, blasters held tight to their chests. The workers on the other hand allowed themselves the liberty of distorted posture and tired expressions. Their eyelids heavy with lack of sleep, their eyes themselves dull and distant. You found yourself in almost every single one, puffy cheeks, bloodshot eyes, and an uneasiness furrowed across their brow. The only difference being you were hidden with a veil and they were exposed to you, to Kylo Ren, to General Hux, to themselves.

You wondered if they had truly chosen to be here, if they believed they were on the right side of history. “...we have seized our rightful power over the galaxy…” They had to believe they were; there was no one to tell the other side of this battle. You felt the tightness of your chest creep up into your throat, your face contorted as the sob lodged in your throat eked out. You were able to stop it, make it sound like an escaping yawn. You waited to see if Kylo would move, make a hollow comment about your behavior. But nothing came, the metallic lined eye slit was trained on General Hux. You noticed the General seemed to swell when he spoke, like his words would implode inside him if he didn’t expel them into the space beyond him.

“And with this, we welcome our Empress, Lady Ren!” Hux’s voice shook you and Kylo pulled you alongside him to the podium. You sunk closer to Kylo, because while he was a nightmare in and of himself, he was more comforting than the thunderous waves of applause that echoed through the hangar. Because these people didn’t like you, they liked what you resembled; the fall of the Resistance.

Kylo raised his fist in the air and all noise halted, if it weren’t for the soft sound of flowing air you would have thought that time itself ceased to be. You felt like a child staring up at a large building; in awe by its power and petrified that it was going to blow over on top of you.

“My Lady Ren is a message to all.” His voice finally broke the suspended anxiety, you shuttered as you heard the breath escape the filters of his mask, he began to speak again. “She is the message that the First Order, that I, your leader, will conquer all!” You felt the familiar tears prick at the corner of your eyes.

Looking to where Kylo’s hand rested on the podium you saw a small piece of paper smoothed against the surface. In swirly and intricate letters it read; _Lady Ren’s Address._ You were going to be sick. You were going to be sick and then you would topple over and die, or at least you could hope. Because those words so closely resembled the penmanship of the note:

_She will be mine_

“Since the battle on Crait, she has worked to right her wrongs against the First Order.” He was speaking about you like you weren’t right next to him, like you weren’t even in the room with him. “She will become strong enough to rule beside me, but first she must apologize.” He turned to you and stepped from the podium. You knew you had to move but you couldn’t, your feet sinking deeper and deeper into the floor as the pace of your breath picked up. “Lady Ren.” Kylo whispered through his helmet. You peered to the sea of blasters, then behind you to the six Knights; each one carrying a deadlier weapon than the other.

Forcing your legs to bend you moved yourself behind the podium, you looked at the words on the paper. There wasn’t an abundance of them, but enough to twist your throat and make you forget how to read. You took in a long breath of air and began reading.

“I have committed serious crimes against the First Order, against Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, against each of you.” You heard Kylo’s disembodied voice inside your head.

_This is an address, not a report._

You shivered and read the next segment quickly before continuing. “I was wrong to aid the resistance, they were criminals.” You thought of Poe. “Traitors.” Finn. “Nobodies.” Rey. You felt your lip quiver as you looked out over the hoards of unfamiliar, accusatory faces. “It was, and always will be, my greatest mistake.” You didn’t know if you could continue but there was only a small section left. “I hope that my rule alongside Supreme Leader Ren will be cause enough to forgive me.” You were almost done, but the knot in your throat only grew and the heat of your face increased at a drastic rate. “Let my story be, not one of fallen valor, but a correction of values.” You were regurgitating false statements that were being force fed to you. “Long live the First Order.” Waves of applause followed.

They were naive enough to believe it? You hoped that wasn’t true, that they knew those weren’t your words, your thoughts. You stepped back from the podium, but you couldn’t escape Kylo’s reaching grasp as his hand shot out and grabbed yours, holding it in the air. You watched as the crowd morphed into cheerful, valiant, and loyal members of the First Order.

Kylo lowered your hand but did not let go, he began pulling you towards the stairs at the side of the stage. You felt like a ghost fluttering behind him, a ghost of the Resistance; whose body was not yet cold. You felt your arm brush past something, looking up to see what it was you saw General Hux. His eyes freezing you in place, reflecting the veil covering you through an icy film. His gaze tearing you down to nothing then accusing you for being so scarce. You swallowed as everything around you seemed to decelerate, his eyes followed you down the stairs. You felt each footstep driving deeper into the ground as you went.

Once at the base of the stairs the knights formed a blockade around you, Kylo was a part of it but still close enough to remind you and everyone watching of the relationship you held. General Hux had moved back to the podium, you could hear the piercing of his voice but your mind was too far gone to register any words he formed. You watched as the passing expressions switched between curious and resentful. You hoped they resented you because you were making them wait to escape, not because you’d been deemed too weak to rescue them. You shifted your gaze to your feet, not wanting to endure the pain of your failure any longer.

The meat on your upper arm was squeezed and you heard a loud commotion as the veil was ripped from your face. Again looking up, you saw a tired looking man; smelling of homemade alcohol. The knights attempted to rip him from you but his grip was too tight. He pinched your skin in his sweaty, calloused hands. His eyes digging deep into you, leaving you cracked open before him.

“You killed them.” He slurred. “They were told you could help and you killed them!” You felt his spit fly and hit your face. You stared up at him, his bloodshot eyes seeping with tears.

“What…?” You whispered.

One of the knights grabbed his wrist and squeezed until a sickly cracking pop made the man loosen his grip and yell out in pain. You stepped towards him, reaching out through the blockade of knights. You felt a leather gloved hand snap shut around your wrist and the veil flutter back down over your features.

“Take him to the prison wing.” Kylo’s synthetic voice made your hand drop as you watched troopers grab him and push him through the crowds. You looked back to the stage, General Hux’s gaze was still able to pierce through you at this distance. You were gently pulled, causing you to look away from the man at the podium and in the direction you were walking. You finally broke free from the crowd and the knights fell back behind you and Kylo, though the latter didn’t let go of you. You were pulled into the hallway no words were spoken as you were pulled into a control room, lights flashing and wires dangling around you. You looked to Kylo, but you couldn’t think of anything other than the bruising fingerprints on your upper arm.

_That man…_

You thought trying to sift through any memories you could still grasp; a mother and child maybe. Maybe they had told you that they had left their husband and father behind. You felt sick as each thought was a dead end; an impossible question floated through your mind and yet you still reached for the answer.

“That man was drunk.” Kylo’s voice held no emotion. “You shouldn’t search for his answer.” He looked down at you. “Whoever he thinks you killed was a criminal, nothing more.”

His words weren’t comforting and they weren’t meant to be. Your hand remained on the forming bruises, and your thoughts on who you were meant to help and who had betrayed their location. 

“How does he know?” The words seeped from your mouth like boiling water. You searched Kylo’s mask, studying every cut and scratch engraving itself further into the stream of nightmares that engulfed your thoughts of him. “And how do I not?” You felt your voice breaking as you looked to the grated floor, tubes and more metal wires running beneath you.

The next thing you felt was Kylo’s hand around your throat, not hard enough to choke you but enough to control your range of motion as he directed your observance back to him. You felt the anger radiating off of him, yet it wasn’t directed towards you; though it still made the sensitive slash across your back throb.

“They were criminals,” His voice was as calm through the electronics, “he is a criminal.” He flexed his grip making you gasp and your focus remain on him and his words. “Their death was not your fault.” His grasp lingered only for a moment then he pulled away and you returned to your previous path like nothing had ever happened.

You wanted to find solace in his words as you carried yourself tall through the hallways, but his presence next to you reminded you of how small you truly were; and his words were just another crumb to keep you engaged. Your stomach felt like steel had been poured down your throat and was now pulling it further and further down. With your head spinning you didn’t take in much note of where you were going or where you had been. But you couldn’t shake the memory of the man or the ghost of his words.

_You killed them…_

You had never killed, not intentionally and the only killing that had been done for you was to protect you and those you were attempting to save from the First Order. You felt like you were swimming through your own mind, drowning in each new worry of what could have happened to that man's family and if it had truly been your fault. It couldn’t have been.

Pulled from your pity party you were in a part of the Finalizer that you didn’t recognize, a glossy white hallway with a black door at the end of it. Kylo hadn’t spoken to you since he reassured you that the innocents you tried to help were nothing more than criminals. You reached the end of the hallway and Kylo entered a code into the datapad outside the door, it slid open and light only poured into the room, not out of it. The room beyond was black and barren, cold but there was no evidence of any air vents inside the room. The walls were smooth as they blended into the polished floor where a holotable was erected in the center of the room. There were projections of various personnel, miniature blue versions of themselves. They were already standing at attention when the door opened, like that was their relaxed demeanor. Yet they still managed to pull themselves tighter upon the sight of their Supreme Leader.

“Supreme Leader.” They spoke in unison bowing their heads. You followed close at Kylo’s heels as he crossed the room to a simplistic throne; black, high back, but still intimidating. A smaller one sat beside it, one you assumed was yours. You waited for Kylo to sit down before you did.

“Report on Resistance strength.”

A very short and stout one spoke first. “Most have scattered to Outer Rim Territories. They’ve either gone into hiding or have started smaller rebellions within various settlements.”

_There’s still hope…_

Kylo tightened his fist and slammed it against the armrest of the throne.

“Crush them. Any being that even breathes whispers of a rebellion must be eliminated.” He commanded, the General’s each nodded. He looked at you, “Where are they?” His voice was deep and demanding.

His sudden attention to you was startling. You had discovered another reason for your existence inside a matrimony with Kylo Ren. You already knew that you were a living breathing message, but now you were being used as a guide to Resistance protocols and plans. Even though you held resentment for the Resistance at this moment, you couldn’t betray the people you had helped escape the First Order.

“I-I don’t know.” You stuttered with your gaze flickering between him and the expectant holoprojections standing on the table. You heard the door open and General Hux stood at the other end of the room. He had heard just enough to put in his thoughts on the situation.

“There must have been a plan. General Leia was too prepared for something like this.” His accent made his words sound far more sophisticated than they actually were.

All eyes were on you, you felt a heat growing behind the veil; sweat pooling on your brow.

You had been far from the battle of Crait, on a diplomatic ship heading back for your home planet. Atterra. You had dropped off refugees and were returning home with supplies from the resistance. When you landed you were captured and imprisoned until Kylo Ren came for you.

“Truly, I have no idea. That wasn’t my concern.” You pleaded, because you did truly have no idea what they would have done; what protocol they would have followed. Kylo grabbed your arm in the same place the drunkard had, digging his digits into the ghosts of the others.

“Then tell me, _Empress._ Where would you have run?” He attempted to sound like he valued your input, not like he would have used it and thrown you to the side. You attempted to scoot away from him but there was nowhere to go.

“Crait was a last resort, I don’t know where they would have gone if that failed. Atterra was open to them but…” You stopped yourself, remembering-

“They have twin planets.” General Hux interjected.

-that there were built in hideouts on Atterra Alpha _and_ Atterra Bravo.

“Search them both!” Kylo ordered and with a nod and mutter of First Order Allegiance the blue glow emitted from the holotable was gone.

You sat in shock, staring blankly at the floor in front of you. Kylo began to move and you clasped your hand around his sleeve. “You searched the planet when you took me, there is nowhere for them to hide.” You pleaded, knowing there was one last place they could be.

“You’ll tell me where they are.” He wrapped his hand around your arm and ripped you up towards him. “I can only allow you so much hope before it must be ripped away.” He cooed.

“Prepare the Command Shuttle for Atterra.” He ordered his knights. Your chest tightened and tears began to form, you shivered and let out a small sob; covering your mouth you looked to Kylo.

“Because you’ve just told me there _is_ a secret inside your home.” He whispered through the vocalizer of his helmet. “Have her Gentlewoman prepare her.” He flicked at the two handmaids that stood beside the door, they cowered to your side and guided you from the room. You were numb as the overwhelming realization took you; if there were survivors of the resistance with no other option, Atterra was a safe place. But now it wasn’t and you had no way to contact them, they were going to be massacred like the criminals Kylo Ren believed them to be.

With every step you seemed to become ever aware of the weight gravity had set upon you. Hating the Resistance and betraying them were two different things, two different things you had just blended together in an attempt to save yourself. Part of you had wanted to see them burn, the ones that had betrayed you were the only ones you knew of so therefore--the Resistance was nothing more than selfish men and women who only cared about the next best thing. But that still didn’t mean they deserved the wrath of Kylo Ren, especially when they were already so weak.

Every corner you rounded to another long and dull hallway was another corner closer to the boudoir, and another boudoir visit closer to finding the truth of Atterra. You felt sick by the thought as one of the handmaidens pressed the button and the door slid open, without a moment passing you let the hot tears waiting behind your eyes spill; they ripped hot rivers down your cheeks as you shuddered with the thought of your betrayal. Your veil was pulled back exposing every emotion rippling over your features.

“What’s happened?” Cecily gasped before the handmaids could depart.

“Private politics. Prepare her for Atterra.” The one with her posh accent ordered before the door slid shut separating the four of you. The two on the other side hadn’t seemed to care for your emotion; however maybe they were trained not to.

“Atterra…” She looked over you, “Isn’t that where you’re from?”

You couldn’t speak, you could only look at her; hope that she could see the pain bubbling from inside. But she just stared back, her eyes scanning every inch of your tear soaked face. She gnawed her lip and led you to the vanity. There wasn’t much she could do to protect you, a silent understanding settled between the two of you; whether it was welcomed or not.

“There’s no excuse to keep the Supreme Leader waiting.” She seemed to speak more to herself than to you. She began dabbing your cheeks, the tears dried and she began placing touch ups over your face. She worked meticulously but quick as she muttered the steps to herself.

A thick, suffocating silence lodged itself between the two of you. The weight of forced oblivion to vivid emotions crushing any want or need to have a conversation. This signaled that Cecily wasn’t supposed to know about any political interactions. You swayed softly as Cecily fixed your hair and pulled the veil from your head. “You only need this when addressing large crowds, your celebration was an exception.” She smiled as she combed through your hair, you could see curiosity burning in her eyes; but you didn’t want to ruin the progress she had made fixing you by retelling how you betrayed any Resistance survivors because you couldn’t contain your panicked babbling.

“It must be exciting to return home.” She finally commented on the situation at hand.

“It must.” Your voice was tired and weak.

“Would you like to change your dress?”

You peered down at the black corset pulled tight around you. You didn’t like to do much of anything at this moment. You shook your head no and Cecily nodded, moving to the open closet she pulled a hooded cloak from inside. She returned to you, walking around to the back of you and fastening the cloak around your neck.

“Will you be there long?” She asked, adjusting your hair to look perfect as it lay against the black velvet.

“I hope not.”

Before either of you could utter another word the door slid open and the knights trailed in each stepping to the side to allow Kylo to walk past.

“Are you ready?” He asked, completely ignoring the fact that Cecily was there.

You looked up, Cecily’s fragile features peering back at you. She gave a slight hesitant nod. Looking back to Kylo you took in a deep breath.

“Yes.” You began to rise.

“Give us a moment.” He ordered the knights and Cecily.

“I will retire to the servants quarters.” Cecily bowed and the knights waited for her to leave before they followed.

You felt a gnawing fear take over your stomach, freezing you from your lower abdomen to the tips of your fingers. As the door slid shut, entrapping you in loneliness with Kylo Ren, you worried there would be more slashing, heat, yelling. But Kylo just seemed to stand staring at you.

“Do you know who offered you to me?” He asked bluntly, the electronics of his mask making it impossible to discern any emotion.

“Prime Minister Govell Hess...” Your voice was soft but you were trying to hide the pain that seemed to interject itself into every breath.

The Prime Minister of your government had been the one to advise you to fight for freedom, however your mind was already made up. You didn’t want your people to be involved in any battles so you enlisted the help of the Resistance and a rebellion inside Atterra, Bravo Rising. Your setup worked until information started to be fed to the first order on where supply ships would be and when, you closed ranks. Only allowing your Prime Minister and army Commander to deal with important information and meetings, that’s when your worst nightmare arised.

“He’s taken representation of your system.” Kylo informed you. Although you had guessed as much.

You stared past Kylo, feeling the tears return. You wouldn’t let yourself wallow, if this was going to happen it was going to happen with dignity. In your eyes, your entire planet had turned against you and the resistance was crumbled. It was selfish to hate it for being weak, but the fall of Leia seemed to coincide with the loss of all hope; you hated that more than anything.

“Is that all Supreme Leader?” Your words hollow, you hoped your face portrayed no emotion.

He didn’t answer, he stepped towards you, pressing himself close to you. “I observed you long before you pushed my rule from your system.” He noted looking you over. “He was like a father to you yes?”

You stared blankly past him, hoping his charades would end and you could move on to the next nightmare.

“Your reunion with him will unveil a vengeance inside you,” He stroked your chin. “And it will be sweet.” For a moment you thought you could distinguish the joy in his words. You felt your chin quiver and the heat of tears return to your eyes.

“Is that all Supreme Leader?” You asked again through gritted teeth. You wanted to rip yourself away from Kylo but you didn’t want to portray that weakness, you couldn’t let him win.

Kylo took your hand and led you into the hallway. The walk back to the hangar was spent with your arm intertwined with Kylo’s, his bicep tensing every so often was the reminder of his strength; of your weakness. As you walked through the hallways, past segments of transparisteel, you could see the thick asteroid belt surrounding both Atterra Alpha and Bravo. Your heart sank as you were reminded of your failed fight for freedom, not reminded, rather the knowledge of it was further cemented as the most important bit of information you could think of.

“Your rebellion was impressive.” Kylo seemed to compliment you but you continued to stare out the window at your fallen resistance. “Ineffective however.” He stabbed at the wound that still laced itself through every thought. You looked away as you passed through the door to the terminals. Workers stood at attention at every single one except the command shuttle. Two knights stepped to the side while the others had broken off entering various shuttles on the walkway.

You were ushered into the shuttle, inside the same as every other First Order structure, black and bare. You stood in the back as Kylo and the two knights found their seats in the cockpit. The only open seat was next to Kylo, although not directly next to him it was closer than you wanted to be.

“We can’t leave until you sit.” Kylo spoke from the pilot's seat.

“You know how to fly?” It slipped from your mouth, you don’t know why you had deemed that a necessary question to ask; he was a Supreme Leader and a Commander before that, of course he knew how to fly.

“Sit before I make you.” He spat and you complied, quickly shuffling to your seat and strapping yourself in.

You felt the vibration of the engines and your horizon tilt as Kylo navigated out of the hangar. His hands gripped the controls tight and your stomach twisted in knots. The gaze of his mask was focused on the stars beyond, you were gripping the fabric of your dress tight in your hands shutting your eyes tight.

“Why are you so nervous?” Kylo asked no empathy in his synthesized voice.

You didn’t realize you had been holding your breath until you opened your mouth to speak.

“The asteroid belt.” You squeaked.

“Do you not trust my flying abilities?” He turned to look at you which only made the panic deep inside you rise.

“I do…” You attempted to reassure more yourself than him. He continued to look at you and not the nearing asteroids hurtling through space. “Can you please watch out…” You begged quietly.

“Of course Lady Ren.” You hoped the small twinge of tone you picked up on wasn’t sarcasm. But your hopes were broken as he veered quickly to the right and threw the controls back to the left, almost flying into a large asteroid. You let out a small yelp and tightened your grip on your dress. 

You had never really liked flying and you always made sure to distance yourself from the view of the asteroid belt when arriving in the Atterra system. But now you had a front row seat and an arrogant pilot who didn’t seem to account for your fears. You felt the shuttle jerk again as Kylo headed straight for an asteroid the size of Endor.

_Pull up._

You pleaded in your head. Kylo didn’t seem to hear as he continued straight towards the rock.

“Pull up…” You whispered, looking back to the knights whose body language signaled they were unphased and that you were alone in your anxieties.

“Kylo pull up please.” You spoke louder looking at Kylo who still showed no sign of hearing you, now you were sure you were going to hit it.

“Pull up!” You yelled, shutting your eyes tight.

You felt yourself get pushed back into your seat as the proximity sensors screamed that you were too close to something. The ship leveled out and the sensors stopped. You opened your eyes to see Atterra Alpha approaching, the sprawling plains of stone and volcanic pumice columns wasn’t homely anymore. However you let out a relieved sigh for the fact that you were no longer in the asteroid belt.

“Supreme Leader, Admiral Hess is waiting for us on the landing deck of the main structure.” One of the knight's eroded voices spoke.

He was an Admiral now... He traded you for forgiveness and yet his power was stripped away as well.

You looked over the surface of Atterra hoping no one had remembered your offer of refuge. Looking to the distance you saw a streak of light reflecting the sun, you hoped it was a patrol and not a Resistance signal.

“They won’t escape.” Kylo assured you.

You looked away from the horizon focusing on the main structure of Atterra that was nearing. You could see platoons of soldiers; not yours, you looked to Kylo, his. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry guys. :( I rushed those three chapter I posted previously because I got tunnel vision for shock factor. I hope you can forgive me and continue to support my story. I'm experimenting with a way I've never really written before so I'm developing the backstory as I go. It just feels more organized and full for me. I don't know, I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think this much but I do.   
> Anyway! I hope you guys have been staying safe!-kashmirbaby<3


	6. Govell Hess' Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You want to believe there's one relationship beyond betrayal. A relationship that is beyond that kind of hurt. And there isn't." -Caleb Carr

An unbidden homeliness seethed inside you as Kylo maneuvered onto the landing platform. Reaching for the fasteners on your straps you couldn’t seem to pull them off of you fast enough. Your fingers trembled with the anticipation of no longer being in the air; or in a ship piloted by Kylo Ren. You unbuckled, but Kylo and the knights remained, fixated in their seats like they were waiting for some sort of signal. You looked out the viewport attempting to follow their gaze. A fleet of TIE fighters dotting the horizon; a ghostly memory scampered through your mind.

_You squinted as the bright spotlights shone down on you. They didn’t have to use much force for you to comply, your own people had already broken you. Your consciousness faded in and out, but you were coherent enough to feel two cold hands grasp your cheeks._

_“I’m sorry my child.” Prime Minister Hess’ words were merely a false apology._

_You were dragged away from him, but you could still hear his mutterings of his reign. You looked up to see a line of TIE fighters hovering overhead, a transport waiting at the other end of the platform._

You shivered as you were pulled back to reality by the feeling of leather on your exposed collarbone. You looked up to see Kylo’s mask staring back at you. “Come.” He ordered pulling at your shoulder. Pushing down the unresolved processing of your situation you rose from your seat and followed Kylo to the lowered ramp. Before you could take a step down Kylo stopped.

“You will not speak of Admiral Hess’ sacrifice.” He told you.

“Sacrifice?” You questioned.

“He made a grave decision handing you over to me,” He looked at you, “I knew Atterra would never truly stray from the First Order.” His hand rising to your face and twirling a strand of hair. His tone triumphant through the channels of his helmet.

“It was his word that aided my decision to leave.”

“But not escape.” He took off without another word and you were left trying to catch up while all the eyes of the landing platform seemed to judge you for your hasty movements.

Once close enough you slowed and began walking beside him, arms crossed in front of you and cloak billowing behind you as the speed used to match Ren’s stride was much faster than your regular walk.

You saw him, Govell Hess, his white hair slicked back, intricately shaved facial hair morphing as he smiled. How could he smile after everything he’s done? Part of you however, missed him. His fatherly touch, encouraging words; but you couldn’t forget the reality of the hell he had subjected you to--and not only the one in Kylo Ren’s quarters.

“Supreme Leader!” He exclaimed, then turned to you. “And the newly wed Lady Ren!” He hummed in contentment. You couldn’t fake any emotion but you willed your expression to remain blank, wishing you had a mask like Kylo. Afraid of what you might say if you spoke, you remained silent and waited to see if Kylo would say something, if anything at all.

Govell stepped towards you in an attempt to wrap you in his arms, but Kylo shot his arm out across your stomach and pulled you close while each of the knights closed in on Govell. Watching him squirm with timidity almost made you giddy. Govell raised his hands and looked to you for his salvation, however you let the sadness in your expression thrive as you were protected from the man who had hurt you more than Kylo ever could. However his trepidation didn’t last, he lowered his hands and stepped away; this action caused the waves of tension to dwindle, but not dissipate entirely.

“Admiral Hess, are you aware of the nature of this visit?” Kylo’s synthetic words erupted beside you, watching as Govell Hess’ skin wrinkled as he smiled; like he was proud of himself.

“I am, Supreme Leader, and I am pleased to say it was not required.” His words spilled like overflowing liquid from his mouth. Your skin turned cold as you felt Kylo tense next you, even when his anger wasn’t directed towards you; you feared the outcome. “No disrespect by that of course.” His words sickly and vile, you always wondered what an outsider thought of Hess. You could only hope this was the hatred they harbored for him. “Come, you must be starved!” He motioned for the two of you to follow him. You didn’t understand how Kylo was letting this charade continue, coy words and half answers weren't enough to please him. So why was he letting Govell get away with it? It made your blood boil.

Everything seemed to follow Govell, let him be the center of attention. Before you always admired that about him, that he could make himself important no matter the situation; but now it was nauseating watching him parade around with what he thought was power.

“What do you mean by our visit not being required?” You finally cut the lengths of silence in the air, Govell Hess didn’t turn.

“All will be revealed soon my Lady Ren.” Even with the writhing hatred of him twisting through you, it was impossible not to see him as the father figure you had known for so long. You dubiously accepted his words, because you couldn’t shake the memory of your relationship to him. Even though he had sold you to the First Order for his own forgiveness, he had been family; you had loved him like a father.

You were led into the entrance to the main structure, a familiar sight. Except flags that had been hung with a Bravo Rising insignia were now replaced with First Order propaganda.

“M’lady.” You heard a meek voice beside you, slightly startled you looked quickly to see a small twi’lek child. He must not have been older than twelve. “May I t-take your c-cloak.” He stuttered but his words had increased in volume.

“Uhm, you may.” You nodded unbuttoning your cloak and removing it from your shoulders. You folded it in half and gently lowered it into his arms. “Do you have it?” You asked concerned as the boy seemed to teeter at the weight of the thick fabric. He looked at you with wide quivering eyes before he nodded quickly and scurried off the way he came.

You turned to see Govell watching you, disgust in his eyes. He quickly wiped the expression from his face when he realized Kylo’s focus remained on him.

“I was surprised to say the least when you said you wouldn’t be using Atterra as your main hub.” Govell turned and motioned to the walls towering beside him. “It is Lady Ren’s home after all.”

_No it’s not._

Kylo looked down at you then back to Govell, “It’s size does not accommodate a centralized First Order command.” You hoped you weren’t imagining it when you thought he sounded bored, looking to _Admiral_ Hess you hoped he picked up on it too.

“The Atterra system is still more than pleased to have joined the First Order once more.” He continued through the halls, towards the dining hall.

How can he speak like that when he was the one that told you to join the resistance? When he seemed so intent on destroying the First Order? You looked around hoping to feel some relief that your life wasn’t so distant after all, that it was closer than you realized. But the halls stripped of your resistance and any evidence that you had even once led this system, made it impossible to feel anything other than ruination for something you fought so hard for.

The grand doors to the dining hall were pushed open by two stormtroopers, there was no sign of any staff that had resided here prior to your imprisonment; you hoped that they weren’t subject to the same persecution you were.

There was a large feast laid out on the table, various meats and fruits, along with breads and exotic spreads. No matter how appetizing it looked, you couldn’t bring yourself to want any of it. Kylo was offered the seat at the head of the table, you sat at the one to his left, and Govell Hess sat across from you; another reason for your loss of appetite. His face had once seemed so fatherly; but now in the dwindling light from Atterra’s sun beating through the open balcony doors, he looked like the human embodiment of corruption.

Two girls wearing starchy black dresses entered holding bottles of wine, they poured you a glass as Kylo unlatched his helmet and sat it on the space between him and Govell. He held his hand up as the girl attempted to pour wine into his cup, he didn’t say a word but the girl nodded and walked away as the other finished pouring Govell a glass.

“How was your journey through the asteroid belt?” Hess asked as he lifted his glass to his lips and began to sip; not knowing if he was speaking to you or Kylo you didn’t answer, taking a sip of your own wine to signal you weren’t offering him any conversation. However Kylo didn’t answer either, he had preoccupied himself with spoonfuls of balled fruit. Quickly swallowing your wine, feeling it warm you as it traveled down your throat.

“It was fine.” You spoke plainly.

“I remember you always being scared of it, Lady Ren.” The old man chuckled and you felt a different type of warmth flow through you, one that was unwelcome though it comforted you. You offered a weak smile but he continued as he forked slivers of meat onto his plate. “You were so strong willed and fearless,” His lips pulled into a large, reminiscent smile, “but flying was out of the question.” He laughed. Again you smiled and peered down at your empty plate, you were starving but couldn’t bring yourself to find anything appetizing.

However you placed a few scarce spoonfuls of various fruits onto your plate along with a slice of bread. It felt awkward sitting with your father figure and husband figure, not to mention the tension of one having sold you to the other. You began poking at your fruit to make it look like you made an attempt to eat, however had no intention of actually doing so. You became aware of the sounds around you as your mind became weary of the image of food you weren’t going to eat.

The sound of Kylo and Govell chewing increased in intensity, looking at both of them you watched as their jaws moved to tear the food inside their mouth; then the swallowing, it was becoming overwhelming. You took another sip of wine to calm yourself, but the sensory overload decided to place a ringing in your ears. Swallowing hard to rid yourself of the high pitched whining you felt your heart rate and breath pace pick up, you were panicking for no reason it seemed. You attempted to ground yourself but you heard Govell’s voice and it turned your skin to ice and your body to stone.

“Are you alright my dear?” He seemed genuinely concerned, a luxury you were so greatly deprived of as of late.

“Yes.” You pushed your chair out and rose. “Yes I-I just need to use the restroom.” You looked at Kylo who stared blankly back at you, “Excuse me.” You began walking to the grand doors when you heard Kylo’s unbridled voice.

“Vicrul, escort her.” He ordered one of the knights, the one with the mask of squares stepped out towards you and began walking beside you. You knew that by escort he meant follow; you weren’t allowed to be alone, especially not in a place you knew better than anyone else.

The closest restroom to the dining hall was inside the command center, which you hoped you still had access to. You walked through the halls beside Vicrul awkwardly, but you had no time to pay any mind to him; he was just another message that you couldn’t escape. The only thing your mind had time to worry about was how quickly you could extract information and not raise any alarms. You reached the door to the command center and punched in the code, the datapad beeped and the buttons flashed red. You scoffed and tried again, still the door didn’t budge. Before your fingers could touch the data pad again you felt Vicrul’s scythe press you against your back, you gasped as it ghosted the memory of your ripped flesh.

“You are not trying to escape, Lady Ren?” He questioned as he stepped closer to you.

“No.” You snapped. “There’s a bathroom in there.” You motioned to the door.

“Not for us it seems.” His voice dipping through the vocoder in his helmet. You turned and looked him over, wishing you could see beyond the stupid mask; but then again Kylo Ren had proved that it’s easier to hate a masked stranger than an unmasked captor. “We’ll have to find another.” He stepped back.

“I suppose you’re right.” You smiled and continued walking; the next closest would be the servants quarters which weren’t locked, and would hopefully house some answers. You just needed to lose Vicrul.

Continuing through the halls the best vindication you could come up with was that these were the female servants quarters, no men were allowed and there was also no escape route. Which was partially true. You had to work up the courage to make it sound like a truth you believed and not one you only willed him to believe. Replaying the words over and over in your mind you were sure they were good enough as you approached the door to the servants quarters. Before you could open the door you spun to face Vicrul.

“This is the women's quarters. No men are allowed beyond the door.” You spoke guarding the door.

“Nice try.” He attempted to press past you, taking a deep breath you made your voice sound as desperate as possible.

“Please, it is part of our culture.” You pleaded and hoped he could distinguish that you were actually breaking. “There is no other way out of this room but this door.”

You heard him draw in a deep breath through his helmet, “Very well.” You breathed a sigh of relief. “You have five minutes then I’m coming in.” His words shot through you as you stepped through the door and it slid shut behind you.

Gathering your dress in your hand you rushed down the three steps into the lowered room, you had only been in here a few times but it was just as you remembered. Eight beds filled the room which was mostly just a hallway made of volcanic rock, four beds pushed against both walls with small dressing chests at the foot of each bed.

The chests were your first thought, opening most of them to find nothing but night clothes and various hats. You reached the chest at the last bed on the right wall; all the clothes were still in it. Sifting through to the bottom you felt a small piece of paper, you pulled it out. The paper was torn and the words were distorted but you were able to make out a few phrases.

_They’ve taken her…_

_Kesi’s disappeared..._

_We’re next…_

_I’m scared…_

You felt your stomach twist but there was no time to grieve, you stuffed the paper in the corset of your dress and moved to the bed, patting it down; hoping that another, more legible, note had been stuffed in the seams or blankets. You were losing hope until your hand slipped between the head of the mattress and the wall, feeling a folded paper stuffed in between the two. You gently pulled it from its hiding spot and unfolded it; trying to read it as fast as you could.

_Prime Minister Hess traded her for our vindication. He is ordering her own subjects to abuse and belittle her. I fear that we are next, the First Order has regained control and who is to say they will truly forgive us? I hope they don’t, I will not live in a government I’ve opposed for so long. If what Drego said is true, about other systems, I hope they execute us… and I hope they do it quickly. Kesi’s disappeared, the others say he ran but late last night I heard sounds coming from the garden shed. Drego said I’m crazy but I swear I heard Kesi whistling._

Your skin turned cold as the realization iced over you that there were people that would have died for you; and they probably already have. Something inside you twisted and writhed, begging to be brought to the surface. You thought of Govell Hess and all you could see was red; he had brought death and submission to the people you preached about life and resistance to. In that moment he was an even crueler monster than you believed Kylo Ren to be.

With trembling hands you folded the note and tucked it inside your corset with the other less legible note. You stepped into the bathroom to the side of the room, it was small and had porous pumice decorations on any available surface. You turned the water on and let it run, looking at yourself in the mirror you didn’t look like you. You looked broken and torn, because you were exactly that; and now your heart was heavy with the thought of the lives ripped from existence at the hands of Govell Hess, the lives he was sworn to advocate for--sworn to protect.

Cupping your hands under the water you let the freezing liquid pool in your grasp before splashing it on your face, letting it run down your neck and seep into the crevice of your breasts. You gasped as the cold water shocked your nerves, you turned off the water and looked at yourself once more; your makeup smudged with eyelashes clumped together from the water. Looking at yourself you resembled the broken look of the man who had grabbed your arm only hours ago, Govell Hess was responsible for his grief. He was the one who had betrayed them, not you; their deaths were not your fault.

Grabbing a towel you began dabbing at your makeup in an attempt to coax it back into a presentable appearance. You sniffled as you folded the towel, hiding the smudges of makeup on its clean surface. Before you were finished you heard the door open and you rushed out and stopped at the bottom of the steps.

Vicrul stared down at you through his mask. “It’s been six minutes.” He observed. You began to ascend the three steps and stopped when you reached him.

“You’ve been counting?” You twisted your words to a tone of sarcasm as you continued out the door. You felt his hand wrap around your arm, you snapped your gaze towards him; terrified he was permitted the same tactics of submission as Kylo.

“This doesn’t have to be our view of each other.” His voice sounded soft, as soft as it could get you assumed.

“I have no idea what you mean, Vicrul.” You wanted to sound innocent but were unsure of where he meant to steer this conversation.

“Lady Ren.” He begged.

“I’m a prisoner to your leader, therefore you hold as much blame for my imprisonment as Kylo Ren. It’s best we leave it at that.” You ripped your arm away from his relaxed grasp and began the journey back to the dining hall.

Vicrul didn’t try to speak on the subject again, or at all. A silence settled and you were grateful that he made no attempt to break it. You had enough time to tell yourself that his outreach of benevolence was merely an orchestrated encounter, forged by Kylo Ren to rip any hope from you. But maybe Vicrul’s intentions had been pure, you looked at him beside you, but maybe something had already been taken from deep within you; empathy.

The doors to the dining hall were opened once more, Kylo and Govell sat in the same spots they had before. But their food had been finished and the feast had been removed from the table. They seemed deep in conversation before they noticed that it was you who had walked through the door. You walked to your seat beside Kylo, but didn’t sit. Gripping the back of your chair you felt the burning anger rise further, locking your throat and causing you to tense your jaw.

Govell sat so calmly, like he hadn’t ruined thousands of lives; like he was innocent. You gripped the chair tighter in your hands until your knuckles turned white. Govell smiled up at you, “We were talking about you.” He mused, you looked to Kylo whose glass was now full of wine as well. You didn’t respond to Govell, but he didn’t need you to. “You’ve always been very head strong.” He rose from his chair and you stepped back.

“Supreme Leader, I don’t feel well.” You swallowed past the lump in your throat. “I’d like to return to the Finalizer.” You seemed to beg more than ask, grovel at Kylo Ren’s feet because he was your only salvation from Govell Hess’ darkness.

He rubbed his chin with his hand, letting you wallow in silence. “Admiral Hess had offered us a bedroom here for the night.” He rose from his seat, you seemed to shrink beside Kylo’s power. “He also offered insight into integration of First Order rule on the townspeople.” He grabbed his helmet, “I’ll be returning to the Finalizer to retrieve your Gentlewoman.” He fastened it into place and motioned for three of his knights to follow.

With the slamming of the grand doors shutting you were cemented in the company of Govell Hess, you looked to the knights hoping that Vicrul wasn’t among them; but there he stood front and center. You trembled and Govell stepped towards you, crossing in front of Kylo’s out pushed chair. He held his hands out to you like he had so many times before. Out of habit you offered your own to his, feeling his skin against yours brought back that same unwelcome warmth of unity between the two of you.

“My child.” He spoke, tears welling in his eyes. You felt sick now when he called you that, any other time you would have fallen into his arms and let your troubles spill from you like a river. But now all you could feel was the metaphorical blood on his hands. “It is all I’ve ever wanted to see you in such a great position of power.”

That was all he cared about, power. You felt tears pricking at your eyes as your eyes studied his, hoping to find a hidden message inside them. “I was in such a position as Queen of Atterra, Govell.” You felt a tear spill over onto your cheek as you continued to search for something you were fearing wasn’t there.

“But now, my child,” he brought his hands up and cupped your cheeks, wiping the tear with his thumb, “you are an Empress of an entire galaxy.” The tears seemed to thicken but you couldn’t tell if they were yours or his. You closed your eyes and leaned into one of his hands, wishing this all to be a dream.

“Men.” He sniffled and turned to the three remaining knights. “The Empress and I are retiring to the garden for privacy. My personal guards will handle security.”

Vicrul stepped forward. “With all due respect Admiral Hess, we serve the Supreme Leader and Lady Ren. We cannot leave unless ordered by Kylo Ren or his Lady.” You looked at Vicrul, you knew what he had said wasn’t true. Was he truly letting have this much power? You weighed your options of finding out what Govell had done or the knights interrupting that moment. You looked back to Govell who looked back to you expectantly. The truth of what happened to your people was worth any punishment; even death.

“Knights.” You nodded. “You may retire.”

Vicrul ordered the two other knights to follow him. They left through the grand doors and you turned to Govell once more.

“I have missed you to no end.” Govell spoke as he gingerly took your own hand in his. You knew what you needed to do, but just for a moment you wanted to live in the dream that he was your family once more.

Govell led you to the balcony that overlooked the garden, the flowers that had been dead when you left were now in full bloom; swaying in the wind and thriving, not knowing the tyranny taking place around them.   
  


“They’ve been tended to following the regime the previous gardener set in place.” He informed you as you walked side by side down the steps. Your breath caught in your throat as that word toppled from Govell’s lips. _Previous_.

“Previous…? What happened to Kesi? He wasn’t sick when I…” You couldn’t finish your sentence, you couldn’t say you left when you ripped from this place; but you also couldn’t say ripped because you needed Govell to still believe you trusted him.

“He fell sick shortly after you left.” He plucked a leaf from an outreaching branch. He rolled it in his fingers until it was torn apart and left a green residue on the pads of his thumb and forefinger. “At least it was quick.” He showed no remorse, no guilt, no grief, making it difficult to ascertain a lie from the truth. You nodded, showing acceptance of his answer; for fear of two things, the first being losing his trust and the other the actual truth of what happened to the gardener Kesi. But you knew it would come sooner or later.

“May he rest among the stars.” You whispered, bowing your head. You hoped Govell to join you, but he remained with a cold stare focused on the horizon. His gaze trained in the same direction you had seen the streak of light when you had first arrived on Atterra. You lifted your head. “Expecting someone Prime Minister?” You asked joining his side once more.

“No.” His gaze slowly returned to you. “I’m an Admiral now, my child.” His lips pulled into a tight, slightly annoyed smile.

“Right.” You returned a smile, attempting to make it look as innocent as possible. “My apologies, _Admiral_.” You hoped he was able to pick up on the derision of your tone. He looked away and continued further into the garden, you followed keeping a distance but remaining close enough to not raise his suspicion.

You watched as he walked in front of you, years of memories inside this garden pouring into your consciousness. Govell had raised you from a small child, not knowing the truth of your parents and being too fearful to ask created a bond between you and the old man. He taught you everything you knew and even made it possible for you to be elected as Queen of Atterra’s System. You did love him, after everything that happened, he was your family and you wanted to believe the abuse you endured was from a place of protection on his part.

“I’ve missed you too, Govell.” The words finally eked from your throat, dripping in despair and sorrow.

Govell turned to you, not seeing the man who has been the cause for thousands of assumed deaths but the man who raised you and put you in the seat of power, you crashed into him. You wrapped your arms around him and felt like you couldn’t pull him close enough. It may have been the starvation of interaction or the hell you were living that caused you to cling to him so tightly but you couldn’t let go.

A sonorous chuckle resonated deep within Govell’s chest and erupted out of his throat. He pulled you from him, looking up your eyes seemed to study every feature his face held. His sharp jaw partially hidden by stylized facial hair and sagging skin due to years of exposure to gravity, his angular nose shifting into his rosy cheeks, his old tired eyes deep set and half covered by his bushy eyebrows. He looked more like a grandfather than a father, but his warmth was all you’d ever known of a man.

“I’m here, my child. I have always been here.” He gave your shoulders a light squeeze and walked away from you again, leaving the blubbering mess you had become behind.

“Why’d you do it?” The words croaked from your throat and managed to stop Govell dead in his tracks. He didn’t turn but he craned his neck so his ear was closer to you.

“Do what?” He asked, a sickly forced innocence intertwining his words.

“You raised me.” Tears began running down your cheeks. “You were the only father I’ve ever known.” You sniffled hoping he would turn around, but he only stared blankly into the distance. “And you traded me for false freedom and a downsized position of power.” Your words shook and you could barely contain the broken breath escaping your lungs. Govell blinked and turned to you, you saw something you’d never seen in him. His corrupt ways were shown as he bared his teeth and took quick strides before squeezing your arms in his hands.

“I traded you for the benefit of my people.” He spoke through his teeth as he shook you.

“ _Your_ people?” You questioned through the tears.

“You were an insolent child given decisions meant for an adult,” His eyes viciously darted over your face. “A true leader.” He barked, throwing you back.

“Govell…” You whined. “Don’t do this.” The tears came faster and heavier, the sobs impeding your breathing as you began to hyperventilate.

“You were,” He paused, running his hands through his slicked hair, “are weak. Just like the Resistance.” He threw his hands at you.

“Don’t compare me to them.” You snapped, you were weak but not weak enough to turn on the people who led you when things went bad. “You were the one who told me they would help us.” You didn’t know why you felt the need to justify your actions. “If it wasn’t for you Bravo Rising would have become stronger than the Resistance.” You stepped closer to him, stabbing the air between you with your finger. “I was strong enough not to betray those loyal to me.” You puffed your chest and let the tears crash on your pushed up breasts. “Can you say the same _Admiral Hess._ ” You didn’t hide the disgust in your voice.

Govell stood in shock at the words you had let spill over your lips.

“Tell me what happened to the servants that resided here.” You demanded but Govell didn’t budge. “Or I will make sure you suffer whatever fate I imagine they may have.” He still didn’t respond and you heard the roaring of a shuttles engine, you looked to see Kylo’s command shuttle.

With his arrival your power was stripped and you had no choice but to find Vicrul and the other knights.

“This isn’t over Govell.” You snapped before turning, feeling your dress billow behind you as you quickly made your way through the garden.

“I would hope as much, _Lady_ _Ren_.” His words poison in your eardrums.

You hoped Govell still held enough love in his heart for you to keep this encounter private, you feared what would happen if Kylo found that you let your emotions run so freely again. But you needed to find out what happened to your people. The people you swore to protect with your life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm really liking the new direction I decided to go with this; I just like flashbacks and little pieces as the story goes rather than overloads of information all at once. Thank you so much for the positive feed back and sticking around! I hope you guys are staying safe and healthy! -kashmirbaby<3


	7. The Gardener Kesi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And why love things you were destined to lose? Why let yourself feel things if the feelings were doomed to die?”  
> ― Garth Risk Hallberg

The sun filtered through the sheer curtains, causing your eyes to open and immediately shut from the shock of the brightness. You propped yourself up on your elbows, feeling your hair still damp from last night's shower. Cecily sat in the high back chair in the corner of the room, the sun creeping towards her feet still in her flats; she hadn’t moved since last night, other than the book that she still held in her limp hand.

Looking to your side you weren’t surprised, Cecily’s presence and the lack of disturbance in the sheets said that Kylo hadn’t even set foot in the room. Looking out the window you were filled with a reminiscent memory of childhood, mornings in the garden. Moving the covers gently you pulled your legs out and flung them over the side of the bed. The polished lava rock under your feets was cold, but relieving as it fed into your memory. It also weighed your heart down with the mystery of what had become of the gardener Kesi.

_The patter of your own small feet was the only sound that could be heard in the hallways of Atterra’s castle._

The hallways were still cool with morning air, you breathed it in as you closed the robe tighter around your body. The soft yellow glow of the sky reflecting off the stone surfaces warmed you as wind blew through the open archways of the hall. No one else had stirred, you thought of the gardener; Kesi. He rose before the sun and fell with it too. When you were a small child he was young, handsome, devoted to the plants you spent most of your time with. He could be found in the garden, weeding, trimming, or just sitting taking in the beauty of his labors.

_The cool steps shocking the bottoms of your feet as you bounded down to the garden was enough to make your toes turn a sheer purple. The grass and dirt wet from the water Kesi so meticulously spread between the various flora. As you stepped from the rock path to the dirt of the garden, shortcuts beaten by Kesis’ overworked feet, you felt the mud squish between your toes. It tickled, sending a shiver down your spine, the morning air warming as the sun leisurely climbing through the sky. Pulling your nightgown up you jump, feel small droplets of liquefied dirt splash up onto your calves._

You looked at your feet, there was no mud, only cracked dirt with overgrown weeds and wilted grass, hidden by strategically cut hedges that hungover the rock paved path. Looking to the sky it still looked the same, excluding the TIE fighter tearing through the clouds above the peak of the castle. You looked back to the winding paths of the garden, remembering the days you’d finished your schoolwork as soon as you could so you could sit with Kesi while he planted its seeds and starts.

_“Kesi!” Your voice rang through the air and down the steps._

_The young man turned, his cap askew and a toothpick hanging from his mouth; he couldn’t be older than 17 yet he looked so wise from your view of him. His lips pulled into a smile, exposing his overlapping front teeth and crows feet at the corners of his eyes. He pulled a thin frayed cloth from the waistband of his trousers and wiped the sweat from his brow. Scurrying down the steps you ran through the paths, watching for the uprooted, dark dirt._

_“Did you finish your schoolwork, kid?” His thick accent made his words hard to understand, but with the time you had spent with him it was like a second language._

_“I did!” You exclaimed looking up at the man as he jutted his hip and placed his hands at his waist. “I even finished my language work for the next week!” You reached for the datapad to show him your progress but he just chuckled._

_“I believe ya.” His smile and approval was all you wanted. “I’ll tell ya what, go get that watering can and I’ll show ya the terrarium in the servants quarters.” His lip curled under itself as he smiled._

_“Terrarium?” You questioned adding too many r’s._

_“It’s like an indoor garden.” Kesi smiled._

_“Oh.” You looked past him, thinking. “Can I have a terrarium Kesi?”_

_“We’ll have to ask Prime Minister Govell, he’s the big boss here M’lady.” Kesi fake curtsied. You giggled as the tall, dirty man faked grace and elegance. Finally he stopped when you thought your belly was going to burst. “Go get the watering can, sweetheart.” He smiled as he turned and observed the freshly planted seeds._

The memory faded as you felt the petals on the flowers. They weren’t Kesi’s work, they were still beautiful; but they felt different. They didn’t have the same texture Kesi’s had, the petals weren’t as delicate, they didn’t bounce back in the wind, they were all wrong.

_“It’s okay if you pick the prettiest one.” His hand rested on your back._

_You were older now, your hair tied back because of the training you had just attended. Looking up to Kesi you took note of how he aged, he was only 6 years older than you; yet his exposure to the elements outside the castle had taken their toll on his appearance. The crows feet at the corner of his eyes had deepened and laugh lines that you hadn’t previously noticed were darker._

_“But what if the other ones feel hurt, because they aren’t as pretty?” You lightly rolled the petals in your fingers._

_Kesi let out a small laugh._

_“They won’t feel hurt.” He pulled you close. “They’re flowers.” He held you tight as the petals danced in the wind._

_“Princess!” You heard Govell’s voice piercing through the shells of leaves the garden had produced._

_You looked to Kesi, he looked back at you; like he hadn’t even looked away. “It’s alright kid, you’ve got a job just like I do.” He rested his head on top of yours as he pulled you into an awkward hug. You swore you heard him breathe in the smell of your hair, but then again he could just be breathing._

The overgrown branches of the trees shaded you the farther you traveled into the garden. Following the path was as easy as it was when you were younger, except for the grass growing between the stones and weeds shooting through the weathered cracks. No one had come looking for you, part of you hoped they never would.

_Your legs carried you further into the garden, you heard his footsteps; chasing you. Your tongue, thick with the dryness of your throat. Gulping down air as you spun, his footsteps sound like they were coming from every direction._

_“Go home Oliver!” Your voice cracked from the dryness in your throat and the fear in your veins._

_“A kiss from a princess is too good of a story to lie about.” His voice was close. The snapping of a twig even closer. You turned to run and felt yourself collide with a sturdy yet squishy body. It was Oliver Kabel, a village boy you’d known since—well, forever. You backed away._

_“I don’t want to, Oliver.” You felt the fear creep up your throat, twisting your windpipe making your breaths staggered._

_“Just one little peck.” He tried to make it sound like it wasn’t that bad and maybe it wasn’t; but to you it was._

_“N-no.” You continued to back up as he pursued you, your hand extended behind you, you grasped the trunk of a tree. You pushed yourself against it and began skirting around it to turn and run. But Oliver raised his hand and placed it by your face on the side of the tree you were going to run from._

_“It’ll only be two seconds.” He whined. As he closed in on you, you could smell the body odor wafting from him; which only revolted you more._

_Oliver’s free hand found an unwelcome placement on your hip. You watched wide eyed as he drew closer to you, closing his eyes and puckering his lips; resembling a fish. Shutting your eyes tight, you tried to distance yourself from the situation; until you felt his hand being ripped from your waist. You opened your eyes to see Kesi holding Oliver’s neck in his hand, Kesi’s knuckles white as he gripped the boy tighter._

_“The princess said she didn’t want a kiss, boy.” His words laced with a rage you’d never seen inside of him._

_Oliver kicked his feet out as Kesi held him so he hovered over the ground. He attempted to grasp the man behind him but his wingspan wasn’t long enough. Kesi placed him on the ground and spun him, grabbing fistfuls of the boy's shirt._

_“When a lady says no it means no.” He spoke through gritted teeth, he pushed Oliver. Stumbling Oliver hadn’t regained his balance before he was running. “And don’t ever let me catch you with her again!” Kesi shouted after Oliver._

_His attention shifted back to you, still pressed against the tree, holding yourself close not only were you fearful of Oliver’s chase but the anger that burned deep in Kesi’s eyes._

_“Are you alright?” He asked, stepping close to you. You pushed off the tree, distancing yourself from him._

_“He was just a boy.” You backed up towards a path._

_“M’lady…” he was taken aback by your defense of Oliver. “You told him no and he didn’t listen.” His words rising in defense of himself._

_“Princess! Your schoolwork won’t finish itself!” You heard Govell call from somewhere outside the garden._

_“Yet he was still weaker than you.” You turned and ran down the path to get out of the garden; you wouldn’t find protection inside it or with the people who had tended to it._

You stood in the clearing, a bench situated looking out over the rolling hills of Atterra. The bench glistened in the sunlight, weathered cracks tearing through the otherwise smooth surface. You ran your fingers over it before sitting down.

_The sun was falling behind the hills, casting stretching shadows across the valleys. You sat on the bench with crossed legs and hands folded in your lap. You hadn’t found peace in the garden, however with the sun setting it was impossible not to stop and admire the serenity of the nature around you. The sky turning various shades of pinks and purples complemented the grey and green of the stone and grass blanketing the surface of Atterra. Everything was still, except the scuffing of shoes in dirt behind you._

_“The best view in the whole castle.” His voice was tired and cracked._

_Eyes scanning the planes you didn’t turn to see him but you knew Kesi stood behind you._

_“I thought you’d be asleep.” You spoke folding your hands over one another._

_“I’ve been in the shed.” He stepped behind the bench. “I’m preparing the bouquets for your coronation M’lady.” His hands steadied him by gripping the stone back._

_“A crown will be placed upon her head…” you began._

_“And the power of the land upon her shoulders.” Kesi finished._

_“I wish this existed in the days where a coronation coincided with the bestowing of power.”_

_With the rise of the First Order you were still allotted a title of power in the Atterra system, however there were people who had to approve of every breath you took. Your coronation was a prize for complying with First Order law. However, the power had been ripped from you and Govell before you even got a taste._

_Kesi placed a hand on your shoulder, hesitating to see how you would respond. You accepted it, placing your hand over his. He spoke no words but his touch was enough to dull the pain of your demeaned power._

_“That man.” You spoke through a cracked voice, referring to Supreme Leader Snoke and the meeting you had when the First Order first came to Atterra. “He said something powerful would become of me.” The landscape blurred as tears formed in your eyes. “How can that be when he’s pulled the only power I had from my grasp?” Your words fell as they escaped your throat._

_Kesi sighed and gave your shoulder a squeeze. “I wish I had the answers M’lady.”_

_Finally you looked up at him, taking in his tired features. “I just wish there was somewhere to go, a place to escape.” You looked up, the sky overhead feeling like the most claustrophobic prison you could imagine._

_Kesi breathed in deep, like he had made a decision he had been folding over in his mind. “M’lady, if you would allow me, I have something to show you.” Kesi’s hand left your shoulder and he didn’t wait for your approval as his footsteps carried him back into the garden. You stood and followed him._

The sun was warming now, the mist of morning had faded as you had opened your robe; letting what little breeze there was flit through the thin fabrics covering you. Your feet had grown dirty from the amount of dirt and soil you had trudged through. As you continued to walk, cracked lamp covers erected from the ground signaled you were nearing the familiar structure in which Kesi spent his time when he wasn’t walking the paths and tending the garden.

_He opened the door, night had fallen in a thin overlay over Atterra; therefore the inside of the shed was dark, only stray rays of moonlight that penetrated past your shadow spread across the floor. Kesi walked to the other side of the room, he reached for something and with a soft click the garden shed was filled with soft yellow light. Lanterns strung from the ceiling and in the corners of the flimsy structure. There was a table with journals and blueprints of the garden beds and paths, next to it a small cart full of garden tools and watering cans, there was a small bed in the corner of the shed and a dressing chest at the foot of it._

_“They throw these things out all the time.” He motioned to the bed and chest. “I don’t sleep in here often, only when the constellations have a story to tell.” He motioned to the makeshift viewport above the bed. You looked around in amazement, Kesi had made his own escape deep within the garden._

_“It’s beautiful.” You smiled as you sat on the bed looking around. A small object caught your eye._

_It hung on the short bedpost, you looked closer realizing it was a drawing of you. You gently plucked it from its tacking and brought it closer to you. There were many details, details you had become so accustomed to it was bizarre to see them personified; though it was flattering that he had taken such note of you. Kesi laughed nervously before gently taking the paper and placing it on the table behind him._

_“It’s just a hobby.” He cleared his throat. “It’s just I know you so well M’lady.” He looked at you through his flusteredness. “I’ve worked for this castle since you were nine,” He averted his gaze again. “You’re the only one who ever gives me the time of day and…”_

_“Kesi.” You stopped him. “It’s okay.” You rose from the bed, reaching out your hands you continued to speak to him. He looked up and the blush on his cheeks seemed to fade, he laughed and took your hand pulling you close to him._

_His shirt was clean, not just like he hadn’t done much work; but like he had changed it before coming to see you. He smelled like fresh air, you wanted to meld with him as he gently rocked back and forth; filled with a warmness you’d never really felt before you looked up at the man, he was very attractive. You’d never thought about it with him being so much older than you, but you felt something for Kesi._

_“I’d always give you the time of day Kesi, no matter the time.” Your words seemed to fall around you as Kesi smiled and continued swaying with you in his arms. Feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions you grabbed fistfuls of Kesi’s shirt and breathed his scent in deep. You shuddered as his presence filled your senses._

_“Are you okay M’lady?” He asked, holding you tighter._

_“I-I don’t know,” You felt yourself growing warmer against him. “I’ve never felt anything like this before.” You tightened your grip on the fabric of his shirt; afraid he would be ripped away._

_“Can you explain it?” His hand began smoothing your hair as he continued to move his body with yours._

_“It’s like,” You searched through your mind for the words, “It’s like a rush of excitement.” You took a deep breath trying to collect yourself to identify the things you were feeling. “A yearning for something…” You paused, “No not something,_ **_someone_ ** _.” You searched yourself again, sifting through every thought and every nerve message your brain sent out. “But it’s quiet, like I’m content,” You looked up at him as he looked down at you. “because I’m here with you.”_

_Kesi didn’t speak, he just seemed to swathe you in his arms tighter and kept swaying you. He had always been a voice of reason inside your head, he had maybe known more about you than even your handmaidens; than Govell Hess._

_It was true, you did feel content in Kesi’s arms, a silence blanketing over your mind; signifying no worry was more important than engraving the feeling of being in his arms. Bodies moving in unison like fire lapping at the air, breath steady as Kesi began to hum an old memory of song. A gust of air blew through the old building causing you to shiver and attempt to hold Kesi even closer._

_“Is there a word for what I feel?” You asked as Kesi stopped swaying and just wrapped you deeper into him._

_“Love maybe…” You hear his voice more in his chest rather than from his mouth. “I’m not sure.” He rested his head on yours and held you there, unmoving. “But I feel it too.”_

The shed was now only filled with gardening tools, the bed and chest gone, the lanterns broken in a heap in the corner of the shed. Your heart cracked as you stood in it’s doorway, swelling with the memory of the emotion you felt that night and the feeling of the emotion seeping through your seams. You never got the chance to love Kesi, the duties of Queen and your rebel had ripped that away from you.

Never truly getting to say goodbye to Kesi hurt more than never getting a chance to love him; or discover if it was even love you felt. The last time you had seen him was in this shed, sitting on his bed, telling him of the worry you felt deep inside for the next day's transport of refugees.

_“Kesi?” You whispered through the crack in the door. You could see light seeping through the old walls and out from under the door. You waited and with no response you pushed the door open and Kesi lay asleep on the cot. His features were peaceful and withdrawn as the rise and fall of his chest was the only movement and the soft release of his breath was the only sound in the shed. You stepped closer to him, analyzing every detail of his face; you were no artist but you wanted to recreate him like this somehow, someway…_

_The sound of shoes on old wood caused Kesi to shoot up and yell as he saw your figure._

_“Kesi, it’s just me.” You reassured him in a hushed tone._

_“M’lady…” He gulped down air. “What are you doing here?” He leaned against the wall at the head of the bed and pushed his hair back with his palms._

_“I just… needed someone.”_

_“For…?”_

_“Anything.” You toyed with the sheets at the corner of the bed._

_Kesi sighed and motioned you closer. “Come.” He said._

_Sitting on the edge of the bed Kesi grabbed your waist and pulled you closer to him, situating you between his legs. He scooted down and pulled you back with him, “Lie back.” You were now lying on top of him with your gaze trained on the viewport; you could see yourself and Kesi under you, he reached and with a flick the two of you were bathed in darkness. Beyond the roof of the shed lay the stars of the system, a reflection of stories and lifetimes yet to be lived._

_“There’s so many.” You mused as you stared up at the glistening speckles._

_“Just like us.” He wrapped his arms around you so his hands rested on your chest--you placed yours on top of his. “Sometimes when things get hard I like to imagine what they would look like if I had taken a different path.” He spoke as he grabbed at your fingers and traced your nails._

_“What do you mean?” You ask, feeling the calluses of his hands rough against your skin._

_“I’m in a valley.” He said. “Not one here, one that’s pure grass. There’s waterfalls, a little hut just for me.” His words, sleepy and quiet. “I’m planting my own garden, it’s lush and vibrant.” You can hear the smile that has pulled at his lips as his words cascade down his chest to your ears. “There’s giggles in the hut, like kids, two off ‘em.” He breathes in deep. “A woman I love holding them in her arms, my only worry is which of the three to kiss first.” You look up at him, you see a dull pain pulling in his eyes._

_“It’s like another lifetime you escape to.” You observed looking back to the viewport._

_“I guess you could say that,” He stopped playing with your fingers and just held them securely in his hands. “Or it’s what I want my future to be.” He seemed to hold like he never wanted to let go._

_“Who is the wife…?” You asked wiggling your fingers in his grasp to let him know that you weren’t going anywhere._

_He waited, his jaw tensing as he rolled your fingers in his hands. His chest lifting and lowering you as he breathed in deep, the sounds of distant affairs dulled by the curiosity burning between the two of you._

_“For a while she was just a face,” He paused. “One I didn’t recall.” He stopped playing with your hands. “Then that night I led you here and you found the drawing of you…” He gave your fingers a light squeeze. “It was you.”_

_Butterflies erupted in your stomach as your face grew hot with various shades of red, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about it too; even if it was just a fleeting image as you walked the halls and saw a passing trace of Kesi. Holding his hands tighter in yours you felt tears welling in your eyes._

_“We can do it ya know?” He finally spoke._

_“What?”_

_“We can.” He sat up causing you to. You moved so you were facing him, his face illuminated by the moonlight breaking through the viewport. “We take a ship and go somewhere no one will ever find us.” He held your hands tight in his own. “Just us and whatever we create.” He brought his head to yours resting his forehead against your own. “Together.” He whispers through the silence._

_“Kesi…” It seemed as if before you even said that Kesi had pulled himself from you._

_“That was too far.” He placed his hands on his knees and forced out a long breath of air. “It was too far too fast.” He crouched down and began running his hands through his hair._

_“Kesi.” You said sliding from the bed onto the floor and crawling so you were sitting in front of him. “I came here for comfort. To find that quiet I felt so many nights ago.” You reached out grabbing the hands that supported his head. “I’m going on a transport tomorrow and the swells of thoughts in my mind are excruciating.” Kesi looked up at you, that pain still tearing through his gaze. “I wanted the contentment only you can provide.” His legs collapsed so he was sitting on the ground as well. “Everything you’ve said has fed into that, it has only fed into the tranquility you provide.” You reached out and rested your hand on his neck pulling him close to you, taking a deep breath you closed your eyes and let his presence overwhelm your senses._

_Time seemed to fade as you held Kesi close to you, feeling the shuttering of his body as bloated emotions wracked through him. His fingers pulling at your dress, wishing he could feel you even closer._

_“You won’t leave with me.” His voice cracked through the air._

_“No.” You whispered against his cheek. “Not when there’s people who are looking to me for salvation.”_

_Kesi let out a soft breath. “I understand.” He pulled away from you slightly. “The resistance is lucky to have you.” He smiled, you watched as his skin pulled across his face; something inside you filling with joy at the news of his praise filled your thoughts. A tear slid down his cheek as the pain returned to his eyes._

_“What’s wrong?” You asked, holding him tighter._

_“Kiss me.” He begged._

_“What?”_

_“If this is the last time we meet like this, I want to know what it’s felt like to kiss you.” His eyes sparkled with a dull sliver of hope._

_“It’s not the last time Kesi…” You whispered pulling him into your arms as you felt his body give way to the sobs inside him._

_Becoming aware of time existing you waited for Kesi’s pain to dull before you searched for the time. Catching a glimpse of his datapad you noted that the transport shuttle would be leaving in one hour. You pulled Kesi from you, seeing the tear soaked fabric of where his face had been; holding his wet cheeks in your hands you leaned in and kissed the rivers of tears on each cheek._

_“I’ll come back.” You smiled as you helped Kesi back to bed. He smiled back but it was weak and broken; untruthful to what he felt inside. He didn’t speak another word, he just rolled over and let his body shake with the sobs that tore through him previously, while you navigated your way through the midnight garden._

Standing in the center of the room you felt a tear roll down your cheek as you looked around and no trace of Kesi was anywhere. You knelt on the floor where you had sat in front of him, placing your hands in the spot he sat; wishing your broken state was enough to manifest his presence. But when you opened your eyes you were alone in the shed, and there was still no sign of Kesi except for the torn lanterns that sat in the corner. Moving closer to them you began to unravel the tangled cords and pull at the delicate cloth that had been torn and weathered.

When you reached the end you noticed a spot in the floor that was different from the rest. It was a small square of wood that wasn’t covered in dirt and had a larger space between it and the other planks. You pulled at it, feeling it loosen, you pulled harder; a small crack and you wrenched the wood from the ground, revealing a small hole dug in the dirt. Inside the hole was a wooden box, a K carved into the side of it. You pulled it out and brushed off the dirt that had worked its way into the crevices. Once you had brushed the dust and dirt free you read the engraving on the top.

_Constellations of Another Lifetime._

Your initial was placed under the words, you felt a tear in your heart as you unhooked the closure and opened the box, inside were a few journals and various papers. Some just sayings, drawings of plants, but what caught your attention was the drawing of you that you had seen on Kesi’s bedpost. You pulled it from the box holding it in your sweaty fingers, a ray of light illuminating it from behind cast a shadow of words from the other side of the paper.

_M’lady, I know you’ll be the one to find this--or at least I hope you are. There’s things I have to explain and I worry that I won’t get to do it in person._

_I should start by saying I didn’t always love you in the way I do now. I saw you as a little sister but as I watched you grow and succeed, and the attention you gave me, something changed and I felt something I never have before; except for my garden. But this was different because it was for something that could reciprocate that feeling. I was scared because I am older and you are young and beautiful with a whole kingdom of young, potential suitors. But you felt the same and I wanted something more than your monarchy of Atterra would allow, that’s why I asked you to run with me._

_You left that night and I couldn’t tell if my efforts had gone unnoticed. I was trying to get you to run away with me, become refugees of our own, but not for the only reason I let on. I knew what was to happen when you arrived back to Atterra, I had overheard a meeting with Govell and a General of the First Order one day when I walked past the Command Center. Govell had seen me, he pulled me into the Command Center and locked the door, he told me that if I even breathed a whisper of it to you, he would kill you and make me watch. I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t risk your life for a few moments of my own fantasy. So I tried to get you to escape, I didn’t think it all the way through but I knew we had to leave Atterra and I knew it couldn’t be on that transport shuttle._

_But my silent hints fell on deaf ears, I didn’t expect you to understand, I just wanted you to be naive enough to trust me. I guess it’s a good thing you weren’t. As I’m writing this I’m waiting for your arrival, hoping that it was all a fever dream. But I know it wasn’t and I know when you find this it may fill you with rage, however I hope you find it somewhere inside you to forgive me somewhere down the line. I don’t know what will become of me, but I hope that you're safe and you find happiness in my absence._

_Kesi._

Tears tore hot streams down your cheeks as droplets fell on the paper causing the ink to bleed. Your body trembled as the realization of your own oblivion became clear, Kesi had tried to save you and when he knew it was a lost cause he wanted to remember you completely and entirely; but you denied him that luxury. The hatred for yourself only grew with the discovery of his note to you; the fact that he had written a note to you at all hoping you would return for him was enough to break you.

But you couldn’t help feeling like he had betrayed you but not telling you Govell’s plan, and you only became more resentful of yourself for that.

“Lady Ren?” You heard Cecily’s panicked voice somewhere outside. You collected yourself and gathered the box. You ran through the garden, pushing yourself farther and farther away from the shed where Kesi the gardener had fallen in love with you and watched as you walked away having no knowledge you would never return to him.

You broke through the treeline to see Cecily standing at the balcony, wrapped in her robes that covered everything but her eyes.

“I’m here.” You shouted back panting as you placed your hands on your knees in an attempt to catch your breath.

“It’s time to prepare for the survey of implementation.” Her voice muffled through the cloth of her robes.

You nodded and tightened your grip on the box. You’d have to look through it in private, but until then you need to find it a hiding place; and a way to push the guilt and grief from your mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm sorry Kylo wasn't in this chapter but there are good things coming! I just wanted to explore a different dynamic and give the reader more dimension, and y'all are finally getting the garden scenes you wanted. ;) Anyway, I know the world is hard and crazy right now, and I just want to say I stand with those protesting. We are change and that change must come now; I don't want to get super political and emotional here, I do most of that on TikTok which is the same handle as this one! Lastly, I want to say thank you for supporting me through this and all the changes I've made. Stay safe and know your limits. -kashmirbaby<3


	8. Memoirs of The Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I could never hurt him enough to make his betrayal stop hurting. And it hurts, in every part of my body.”  
> ― Veronica Roth

It was like watching animals being herded. Their faces caked with dirt and hair matted to their scalps, these were not your people; they were phantoms floating through checkpoints. You stood above them, watching from a tower as Govell Hess stood with a pompous demeanor on one side of you and Kylo Ren to the other. Hair sticking to the nape of your neck with sweat as you watched human beings being pushed and pulled, ripped from the ground when they stumbled. They saw you, standing freshly bathed and elegantly clothed over their heads; they began spitting and cursing in your direction. A small riot breaking out, the people attempting to climb over each other to reach you. The troopers below beat the already broken people, pinning them to the ground, knees at their throats and not letting up until they were sure they wouldn’t breathe again.

You felt grief rising in your chest, and your own hatred for yourself swelling in your stomach; by rebelling when your planet was blockaded to avoid your people fighting a war, you had in turn subjected them to a battle they could not win. The memory that you thought the Resistance was stronger than the First Order only made your blood boil hotter and the tension in your fists dig crescent indentations into your palm.

“We’ve implemented these checkpoints before conditioning.” Govell sounded proud of his brutality. “When First Order reign returned to Atterra people became…” He paused a grave expression of annoyance pulling his mouth into a frown. “Violent.” He began moving and the personal guards waited for you to follow before pressing behind you.

There was a lump in your throat and a weight in your heart, everyone was enduring so much pain; and it had been your hand that dealt them these cards. The sweat coating your body only seemed to thicken as you moved towards a different vantage point, one that overlooked the city square. You saw the men, women, and children organized into neat squadrons, most of them staring forward with tears pouring down their cheeks and others being carted off either unconscious or bloody and screaming. You stepped closer to the railing and peered down at the bodies below, standing in the mud with cuts only visible by the blood seeping through caked on dirt.

“Is the force necessary?” You snapped at Govell, he seemed surprised by this; like Kylo should have been holding you on a shorter leash. When Kylo didn’t comment Govell looked back to you, his eyes dark and his face pulled taut.

“A group of rebels killed over thirty soldiers.” He said in a matter-of-fact tone. “It is more than necessary.”

A tumult broke through the discourse between you and Govell, your attention snapping to the source of the commotion. You saw a squadron of children and teenagers fighting with some troopers, they seemed to be winning and you were filled with hope as you saw the young’s valor hadn’t been squandered in the presence of the First Order. But soon more troops took note of their comrades' struggle and abandoned their post to aid them. Soon the men and women joined, running to aid their children.

“I think it’s time to go.” Govell reached for your arm, you ripped yourself from his grasp.   
  


“Don’t touch me!” You yelled, spinning around in an angry rush. Kylo stood watching the conflict below, not paying any attention to your loss of composure. “This is your doing!” You screamed pointing to the massacre below.

“I did it for the prosperity of Atterra!” His words a hollow retort to defend his selfish hunger for power. You grabbed his frail arm and pulled him towards the railing, your own strength surprising even you; you didn’t even flinch when he yelped in pain.

“This!” You yelled in his ear, he looked away from the masses of bodies grappling for power; grabbing his jaw you forced his attention back to the people. “This is not prosperity, Govell.” You sneered in a hushed tone close to his face. You threw him and let his head hit the steel bar, watching as his wrinkled face bruised and blood began to trickle from his mouth. He lifted his head and wiped the blood.

“Execute them.” He ordered. “All of them.” He walked away and you noticed that Kylo had stepped between you and Govell’s guards, stopping them from interfering in yours and Govell’s confrontation; but now he also separated you and Govell’s escaping figure.

“No!” You screamed lunging towards him, Kylo catching you and holding you as you flailed and screamed. “There are children!” You shrieked, the pitch seeming to tear a hole through your own ear drums. Without a moment's hesitation you heard explosions and Kylo dropped to the ground, covering you with his body.

Frozen under Kylo Ren, tears streamed and there were no screams to escape your throat. The ground shook and dirt flew on the other side of the railing, fear grabbing hold of every fiber of your being; and the only salvation you could grasp at was the feeling of Kylo Ren’s cloak in your fists and the weight of his body on top of you.

When the ground didn’t tremble and the debris settled Kylo remained on top of you, breathing deep and waiting to see if there would be any further aftershocks. You had no strength to push him off of you, you could only feel the own suffocating heat of your breath bouncing off his chest and making your face slick with sweat. Finally he pulled himself up and you went with him, his hands grasping at your sides, the fabric of your dress, any available surface area was good enough for him to hold you close as he surveyed the damage below.

Craning your head over the edge you saw masses of bodies, all laying on top of another, limbs bent in sickly directions or severed entirely. You let out a sob before clapping your hand over your mouth, feeling a pain swell and spread through every nerve your knees buckled. Grabbing the railing for support, you shut your eyes and felt a sickness well inside you, a sob tore through you, a harrowing sound escaping you; one you could never describe. Willing your eyes to open you searched through the masses of bloody limbs and bodies, hoping to find a survivor; but all was still and silent.

You felt the leather hands grab your upper arms, he pulled you from the ground. Your throat tight with the sobs that couldn’t seem to escape as rage and anguish coalesced deep within you, everything ripped away; and apart. The ground below began to shake, Kylo tightened his grip on you; for seeming to hate you he seemed to imitate great solicitude for your well-being.

“He killed them all.” Those words were the only coherent message your brain could form.

“We cannot remain here.” Kylo said, grabbing you and forcing you across the disheveled walkways.

Feet fumbling over one another as your mind couldn’t seem to focus on anything else besides the bodies below. Even the feeling of your hand inside Kylo’s, his hurried steps to get you to safety. Inside the building that led to the walkways over the city Kylo’s pace seemed to quicken as the promise of escape seemed ever closer. The inside of the building had felt an even greater hit than the walkways outside had, wall decorations askew, broken vases, and beams from the ceilings hanging down; with each obscured path Kylo grew frustrated.

With your steps retraced you had arrived back at the entrance you had used upon your arrival. There was only a slight problem; a bookshelf had fallen and debris toppled over it, making it impossible to get through. Kylo let out a guttural yell and went to move his hands, but as he did that the ground shook and the ceiling began to topple; like it was happening in slow motion first only speckles of the ceiling began to fall, then they grew and grew. You saw a flurry of black turning as your eyes shut and you felt debris falling down.

Not falling on you but around you. Opening your eyes you saw Kylo standing before you, a hand raised to the ceiling; seeming to hold up the structure purely by the will of his mind. You heard a terrifying sound rip through his helmet as his other hand shot up and the entire building seemed to be ripped from the ground and tossed behind you. Dust filled your field of vision as the rubble crashed behind you at a deafening volume, you felt the collision through your feet and the gust of air that pushed you forward. Your unsuspecting balance wasn’t anchored and you began to stumble forward, feeling gravity pull you to the ground; before impact with the hard ground you felt a sturdy warmth envelop you.

His smell was the only thing that filled your senses, like fresh soap and how perfumes marketed the scent of a forest. Out of habit your hands pulled at the fabric covering his body, your fingers feeling the softness of his armor and your knuckles scraping the definition of his muscles underneath. You felt protected by him as the rubble settled around you, dirt and dust nestling itself further onto your scalp.

Completely and utterly surrounded by Kylo Ren in that moment, the feeling of his clothes in your fists wasn’t your salvation anymore; he was. Feeling a familiar warmth inside you, one you had felt with Kesi, yet only fleeting and minuscule. You looked up at him, his mask obscuring his face, you hoped his expression was one of concern. He began pulling you along again, distancing you and him from the debris.

Walking through the city streets it all looked desolate. Govell hadn’t killed the entirety of Atterra, but he had wiped an entire city from the population mass. Your stomach churned and you felt your mouth produce a large amount of spit, you knew what was coming and there was no stopping it. You broke away from Kylo and stepped to the side of the rock street, placing your hands on your knees you began dry heaving.

You heard boots and Vicrul’s voice. “Are you alright Supreme Leader?” He asked.

The bile finally escaped your stomach, traveling through your throat and splattering against the ground in front of you, soiling the bottom of your dress. You wiped your mouth as you stood, you hadn’t heard Kylo’s response.

“...we saw his speeder take off then we felt the explosion and its aftershocks.” Vicrul explained himself to Kylo.

“He’s careless.” Kylo snarled. “Get us back to the castle. He’s gone too far.” Kylo demanded, the chill of his voice freezing you.

The journey back to the castle was spent in an overwhelming silence, not only was there no sound other than the speeders engine, but your mind had gone completely blank; as you watched the fleeting images of landscape pass by. It was like there were so many thoughts your subconscious took on all the worry and your conscious mind could only focus on the rock shifting to grass that blended back into rock. Govell didn’t even cross your mind until you felt the speeder brake and you realized the scenery had changed to the outside walls of the castle.

“Vicrul, take Lady Ren straight to our quarters.” You felt butterflies when he said ‘our’s, “Have her gentlewoman clean her up.”

Vicrul nodded and you were led into the castle. You held yourself close as the reality set in, the image of all their bodies, their screams for deliverance, the way they were poked and prodded into place; into conformity.

“Are you alright?” Vicrul asked in a hushed tone. His sudden words caused you to jump, you looked to him as he continued to look straight ahead.

“I-I don’t know…” You rubbed your arms as you drew in a deep breath. “I don’t think I was in the first place.” You felt your face grow hot and tears prick at your eyes.

“Your people did they-”

“No…” You cut his words off. “It wasn’t all of them,” Your voice broke, “But they were still people.” You sucked in air, pushing down the sobs that clawed at your throat. “There were children.”

You rounded the corner and you could see the entrance to your quarters at the end of the hall, it brought some comfort to you; knowing you would be as alone as you could be.

“Don’t let it break you.” He said as you arrived at the door. He seemed to study you, you could feel his eyes memorizing your expression. “I’ll send your Gentlewoman in.” He opened the door for you and you walked in.

With the closing of the door you felt your body give way to the weight of itself, falling to the ground you willed tears to fall, to release the pain inside you but nothing came. You sat staring at the polished rock floor in front of you, feeling the sorrow claw at your chest; wishing you could crack yourself open and rip everything from inside you, you let out a shriek that seemed to tear through sound barriers.

Whatever you had released in the scream released your tears as well. You felt the hot streams tear rivers down your cheeks, cutting through the caked on dirt and sweat. Your body collapsed to the ground and you felt a sharp pain in your arm from your weight falling on it. The door opened and you heard Cecily let out a gasp.

“Are you okay?” She asked running to your side.

You sat staring at the wall across the room, tears crossing the bridge of your nose and making little splats as they fell to the ground. Every image of death, every possible explanation for Cecily, every word flashed through your mind.

“I need a bath.”

That was the best you could do. Cecily nodded, and helped you up. She escorted you to the bathroom attached to the quarters and as you began stripping Cecily turned the shower on.

“A bath.” You corrected pointing to the claw foot tub in the corner of the room.

“Shower first. You’re not going to bathe in all that dirt.” Cecily insisted as she rolled up her sleeves and walked over to you. She helped undo the clasps of your bra and you pulled your underwear to your ankles.

Cecily led you to the shower and placed you under the water, she grabbed a cloth and lathered it in soap. You stood watching as the shower soaked parts of her uniform, she seemed to know exactly how to wash you without drenching herself entirely. Her delicate touch calmed you as you sunk into the water, letting it run the dirt from your scalp. The warmth of the water seemed to slow the speed of your worry as Cecily continued to scrub the dirt from you.

“Here.” She spoke handing you a bottle of shampoo. “Wash your hair,” She bent down and began scrubbing your legs. “I’ll condition it in the bath.” Her words losing their volume the farther she was from your ears and the louder the water seemed to become. You squirted a generous amount of shampoo and began lathering it in your hair.

You could feel lumps of dirt in your hair as you worked the shampoo deeper into your scalp. You pushed your head under the streams of water, pushing the soap out of your hair.

“Ow!” Cecily exclaimed.

“What?!” You yelped, turning to see what happened.

Cecily giggled, rubbing her eye. “You got soap in my eye.” She stretched her face and began blinking.

It was soothing to see her giggle, to see some light. You couldn’t help but smile as you continued to rinse the rest of the soap. But the serenity didn’t last, your mind began wandering back to the deaths in the city square at the hands of Govell Hess. You let the water pour over you as the sight of their lifeless bodies lying in piles below flashed through your mind. The water was shut off and you turned, seeing Cecily and hearing the bath filling with water.

“You can get in the bath now.” She smiled a tight smile and stepped to the side so you could walk to the bath. Even though she had already seen your entire body in all it’s nude glory, you covered your chest and walked to the bath.

You first stepped in with one foot and released your chest, holding onto the sides of the tub for support. Lifting your other leg and letting it sink into the water, once both feet were on the floor of the tub you began to lower yourself. The water burned your skin at first but soon became comforting as it wrapped you in a temporary sense of security. Cecily cupped her hand and began pouring water onto your head as you pulled your knees to your chest; the question you’d been asking since you had first seen any First Order congregation seeming to weigh so heavy you had to ask it out loud.

“Did you choose to be here?” You asked as Cecily began to pour conditioner in her hand.

“I mean, you spent the night here.” She began running her hands through your hair. “I didn’t have much of a choice.” She laughed as she spoke.

“I mean like, with the First Order.” You began picking at your skin under the water.

“Well, my parents kind of gave me to them.” She said with a calm tone.

You looked at her, an expression of pain and empathy pulling at you features. But Cecily just let out a content sigh.

“We lived on Coruscant, my family was very poor.” She began working closer to your scalp. “There was an opportunity for them to stop running, they took it.” She dipped her hands in the water and began rubbing them together. “So when they handed me over they agreed to be janitors wherever they could,” she breathed in deep. “As long as I would be set on a path to become a nurse, to help people.” She pulled her hands out and grabbed a towel. “For some reason they took pity on me and them, they put me in the training and schooling necessary.” A deep pain seated itself in her eyes.

“Did they let you see them?” You rested your head on your knees.

“No.” She sniffled. “I chose not to. It’s easier that way.” She sighed. “It wasn’t my choice but there have been multiple times I could have chosen to leave,” she shook her head. “I don’t think I’d ever take one, especially not now.” She looked at you and smiled, you could see her lip quiver and her eyes turn red as she held back her emotions; you decided not to press her any further.

“Govell bombed an entire settlement.” You spoke looking into the water, seeing yourself in the murky ripples.

“What?” Her voice cracked but she accepted the shift of conversation and sounded genuinely concerned.

“The reconditioning.” You choked out. “A squadron attempted to revolt.” With a shaky breath you closed your eyes. “There were children.” The words choppy as they left your mouth.

“While you were there?”

“Kylo and I, yeah.” You wiped your face and pushed your hair back. “I brought this to them, Cecily.” You whispered as your throat tightened and tears began to flow again.

“No you didn’t.” She comforted you by placing her hand on your back. “You did what you thought was right, they betrayed you.” She defended.

“But at one point they trusted me to save them.” You pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes. “And I only brought death to them.”

“Don’t let what happened to them be in vain.” She whispered. “They looked to you for salvation, just because they’re gone doesn’t mean there’s no one to be helped.” You were sure she meant the First Order but your mind wandered to Kesi.

_Constellations of Another Lifetime._

You knew what you needed to do. If the box Kesi left for you held any clue as to where he went or what had been done with him; you could take down Govell Hess, make him pay. You dunked your head under the water and rinsed the conditioner out.

“That box I gave you this morning.” You wiped the water from your eyes and stood in the tub reaching for a towel. “I need it.” You wrapped yourself tight and squeezed the water from your hair.

“Yes m’lady.” Cecily smiled and rose from her kneeling position on the floor. She left the room and stepped out of the tub.

You began drying yourself, wiping the water off with the soft towel. You squeezed it in your hands and thought of him; Kylo or Kesi you couldn’t decide. They had both filled you with the same warmth and at one point you had found salvation in both the feel of them and the presence of them. You looked at yourself wondering if you were meant to feel that same warmth for yourself, if you were meant to have a desire to save you the same as Kylo had, the same as Kesi attempted to act upon.

Kylo’s entrapment was only a forethought to the pressing need to find out what Govell Hess had done. You couldn’t worry about your own hell when there were people suffering and if you could save them, the lives you watched explode would count for something. At least you wanted to believe that.

A loud bang of a closing door signaled Cecily’s return. You rushed to the main quarter and met her in the center of the room.

“What do you expect to find in there?” She asked as she held it out, distancing herself from it. Looking up at her you took the box and rubbed the polished wood, you didn’t know just how much you could trust Cecily, but you took a deep breath and opened your mouth to speak. “Actually,” She cut you off before any words had even escaped your mouth. “If it has anything to do with the Resistance,” She raised her hands. “I don’t want to know.” She shook her head and sat in the chair she had awoken in that morning. “It’s easier.” She said, grabbing the book she hadn’t finished and buried herself in it.

Watching her nonchalant reaction brought some comfort to you, however you felt more isolated in this endeavor than you had previously. You smiled and tapped the box with your hand. “Thank you.” You muttered and moved to the other side of the room, sitting so you were facing away from her.

You ran your fingers over the engraving, a phrase neither of you had ever spoken but you knew exactly what it meant; and that weighed you down with an unexplainable grief. When you and Kesi had laid on his bed watching the stars you spoke of him escaping to another lifetime, while he spoke of escaping to the future. _Constellations of Another Lifetime_ meant that Kesi thought he didn’t have a future when he chose to engrave it on this box, you needed to find out why he thought that.

Opening the box one again dirt that had worked its way into the cracks and fell on your still wet skin. You felt your breath catch in your throat as you saw his hand writing, lazy, connected, a haphazard layout for such intricate and delicate thoughts. Placing your hand in the box you began fishing out every paper, drawing, journal, dust falling on you as the papers shifted and released an unknown time's worth of aging. You placed it on the ground in front of you, fanning out the contents and looking over it all; the drawing of you with the note on the back was the first thing you plucked from the pile. Glazing over the lines and words you set it to the side; there would be no information in it that you didn’t already have.

Picking up the first journal tied closed with red string you delicately unwrapped it and began flipping through the pages. Drawings of a garden, a hut, plants, schematics for building, regimes to keep a garden healthy filled every inch of paper in it’s bindings. It wasn’t what you were looking for, you set it to the side and reached for another. This one was smaller with no string to tie it shut, you began flipping through it, times of day and sun positions were the only information on the papers. You sighed and set it on top of the other, now looking at the scattered, loose, and torn pieces of paper. It was overwhelming to say the least.

The smaller papers were the first place you started, they held the least information and part of you wanted to prolong finding any truth about Kesi this box held. There were mostly quotes and memories between you and Kesi that he had deemed important enough to write down.

_Your coronation day, when I watched you walk across the stage, I knew you were the most gorgeous creature I’d ever lay my eyes on. I hoped you hadn’t forgotten about the feelings we felt the night before; because I never have._

You felt guilty, because at times you had forgotten the feelings you had for Kesi. Maybe not forget, but they were buried so deep behind layers of worries and war; Kesi had become an aftershock in the dead of night when the moon shone through your window just right. A queen in love is the worst one, you feared you would lose track of what would benefit you people most if you allowed yourself to fall in so hopelessly with Kesi; but maybe if you had, Atterra would still be safe, people wouldn’t have had to die by your ignorance.

The last paper sat face down, you shivered as your hand neared it. If this held the truth you would fall deeper into a madness you feared could not be recovered from, but if it didn’t, your mind would kill itself trying to figure out what had happened. Your fingers felt the brittle and rough paper as you picked it up and flipped it over. There weren’t many words but they bled together and looked very rushed, your stomach dropped as you knew it was only a fragment of Kesi’s downfall; a horrible middle ground between your two worst fears.

_I’ve successfully smuggled half of the servant staff to the bunkers of the Resistance, their fighting us with fire instead of blasters now. They’ve sent reinforcements and you have left M’lady, he came and took you, I watched as they carted you to the landing platform and into the black shuttle. The Resistance is still trying; not all of us have betrayed you M’lady. I don’t know what will become of me, but if you find this and I am nowhere near search for me; or search for what happened to me._

Tremors tore through your entire being and you were left with more questions than answers. Your hair now dry and falling in your face as the familiar feeling of tears had returned to your eyes, a loud bang erupted across the room. You began shoving the papers back in the box, and snapping it shut; turning to see Kylo. You knelt on the ground holding the towel tight around your body.

“Gentlewoman, leave us.” He demanded and your stomach sank as every hope would be ripped away. With any hope of saving Kesi’s memory from the destruction of Kylo you used your foot to scoot the box under the bed. Cecily looked at you wide eyed as she secured her face covering and left with the same loud slam that Kylo had entered with.

Once in silence Kylo released the latches on his helmet, the fear only growing as you saw his skin; not a monster hungry for blood but a human inflicting pain to satiate his lust for dominance. Unable to move you remained on your knees as Kylo set his helmet down, his eyes never leaving yours as he crossed the room, removing his cowl and cloak, he stood at the end of the bed watching you. He could see the box on the floor beside your feet, however he made no comment, he began moving closer. Now he stood over you, looking down, taking in the image of you on your knees at his feet.

After what felt like a lifetime of holding an awkward stare as he stood over you, he sat down on the edge of the bed, his arms resting on his knees as he leaned towards you; the breath escaping his nose cooling the heat of your embarrassed face.

“H-how’d it go?” You finally choked out, clutching the towel even tighter.

Kylo brought his hands together and slowly removed one of his gloves, he hesitated then reached out towards you. Your eyes followed his hand closely as he brought it to your face and began stroking your cheek with his thumb, warmth transferring to your cheek and to his hand as he created friction. His eyes burned, but not with anger like they seemed to every other time you looked into them. You swallowed hard as his touch and the memory of his salvation flooded your senses.

“Govell has learned his lesson.” His touch alone was enough to pull you towards him, leading your head to rest on his leg. He took his other glove off and began running his hands through your hair. “He has answered for his careless and reckless actions.” His touch reminded you of his warmth; of any humanity he could have held.

You thought by this that Govell had died, Kylo didn’t have the patience to teach an old stubborn man a lesson. You were mad, mad that he hadn’t choked on his last breath at your hand; but it was only a dull whisper to the glory you basked in knowing he had at least paid the price for one treacherous act.

“Are we returning to the Finalizer?” You asked, moving your head so you looked straight at him. His hands re-positioned so he held your face in his large hands.

“No.” He spoke plainly, his expression blank. “We’ll be remaining here for a few more days.”

He didn’t mention why and for that you were grateful, you nodded and returned your head to his thigh. He continued to run his strong hands through your hair, causing you to shiver whenever his nails scraped your scalp ever so gently. The box at your feet was an afterthought, the same as Kesi had been so many times, but for now you let yourself fall into the salvation of Kylo Ren’s touch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I know it's not Friday but I'll be away from my computer tomorrow so I'm posting this now so I can't forget later. As well I wanted to let y'all know that I'm returning to work for a month before I have a month off for vacation; I have no planned changes and I still hope to update every Friday, but if you do want more in depth updates about my progress and if there will be updates or not, I suggest you follow my TikTok! It's kashmirbaby just as it is here. I hope you all are staying safe and doing what you can at this time! -kashmirbaby<3


	9. Dreams, Just Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”  
> ― Edgar Allan Poe

It’s hard to explain, it was like a small pool of darkness surrounded by the solidity of darkness, bleeding into a dripping darkness above you. You knew you were asleep but all you could do was stare up at your rippled reflection until you were awake. It wasn’t a dream; if it was a dream you wouldn’t have been so aware of the fact that you were sleeping beyond this veil. You heard footsteps, disconnected from their source and circling around you as you felt the wet darkness undulate around you. It didn’t startle you, this was your domain so you must have been thinking about the sound of footsteps you had heard previously. The warmth of nothingness around you was solid enough to make you feel safe, even among your own recalling of terror. But that’s when you heard it, when you had come to terms with your reliving of horrifying sounds that you couldn’t string back to reality. He called out to you, a name he never knew you by.

“Lady Ren.” It was Kesi’s voice. It dripped in your eye as you sat up for the first time in this unconscious state and let the thick wetness slough off of you.

You were alone, but there were bodies hiding beyond, you couldn’t see them, or hear them; you felt them. Their eyes on you, encircling you, devouring you as the memory of what was lost melded with the reality of what was to be found. You tried to call out but there was a thick plug blocking your words, but you could breathe just fine.

“What you’ve done isn't wrong.” His voice came from everywhere and nowhere, embodied and ghostly as it seemed to hover around you. “It may be your fault, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have to be done.”

A body faded out from the darkness, first only forming in a general outline of a human. “An Empress has many responsibilities.” The figures hand moved in tune with Kesi’s words. “One being the benefit of her people,” The figure began forming clearer, an apparition of Kesi walked around you as you clawed at your throat to release the words you wanted to call out. “Another, being the loyalty of her people.” He crouched down on the outer rim of the pool you sat in. His face only a torrent of proportions and features. You reached out to him but he was too far away, below your waist was cemented into the darkness you sat in.

“They didn’t believe you could lead.” He reached his hand out and touched the water, sending waves towards you, though small in size they seemed to crash against you and threaten your stability. “That’s why they’ve revolted,” He brought his finger to his settling face and observed the liquid on his fingers. “Because you couldn’t lead them.” He sat down and dangled his feet in the water, they seemed to disappear somewhere deeper than the depth you sat at. “And if you can’t lead them, how can you save them?” He pushed off the blurry ledge and sank up to his waist in the lapping currents.

He was completely rendered now, his face dirty; not like you remembered. He looked as if he had been rolling in ash, with cuts and bruises, ash clumped in certain areas with sweat. You clawed towards him now, hoping he could relieve whatever pressure was holding down your words. He came closer yet you didn’t touch him, your motions tearing through him, ripping the ghost of him apart. His expression calm and reserved as he reached you, still sunk in the water up to his waist; yet it seemed like you sat on a perch, the reason he had sunken up to his belt and you sat with only up to your belly button submerged. The ghostly figure defied any rules and made contact with you, not like the touch of something real, but something cold and heavy weighing down on you.

“I would have followed you to the ends of the galaxy if you lead me there, Lady Ren.” He caressed you as you panicked to be released from this feverish twist of your subconscious. Cooing as his hands explored you, you didn’t want to be here, to not be touched by him. But your hands couldn’t push him off, they just pushed through him and he remained, tracing your figure as your hands ripped through him. “I tried to save you that night.” Something changed, it had somehow gotten darker, which you didn’t think possible. Kesi became darker, his eyes glowing red as shadows cast over his face and he bared his teeth. “Why didn’t you try to save me?” His hand clamped around your throat and pushed you under the water.

It overtook you, enveloping you in its grasp as you saw Kesi above you. You wished to touch him, not to love him, but to rip him apart; push him off you then hold his head under like he was doing to you. Even with the knowledge your hands would never connect with any solidity, you continued to flail at the mist as his grip tightened and you felt the air escape you as water began to trickle into your lungs. The pressure became too much and you opened your mouth, bubbles obscuring the figure before you.

“Lady Ren!” His voice penetrated through the water, a taunt as he only forced you deeper. “Lady Ren!” The name like bubbles in your ears as you believed you were crying, your arms now pinned by an unseen force.

“Wake up!” His grip loosening around your throat, and the weight on your arms only growing. “Wake up!” A weight settled on your waist, one you couldn’t move under as you writhed and your eyes closed; losing grip on the reality inside your head. As you were fading a vivid image, like a streak of hot white through your mind, the constellations Kesi had held you under; they morphed into something different, something that didn’t resemble that night but this night you were living in—both feeling lifetimes apart.

“Wake up.” You heard the voice calmer, your eyes snapping open to see Kylo Ren hovering over you, looking down to see him straddling you, looking to either side to see him pinning your arms down.

Looking back to Kylo his eyes studied you and he didn’t shift himself off of you, he remained; hovering and observing. The moonlight breaking through the window and illuminating him in a holy light, a savior from terror. You took focus in the way shadows seemed to cast across him from raised scars and sink into the ones that were carved into his skin. Eyes wandering back to his face, his black waves falling in his face as he panted in relief, sweat on his brow from the heat of the air around him. Twisting your wrist you challenged him to remember what he was doing.

“I’m awake.” You muttered.

Pushing off of you he smoothed his hair back and breathed in deeply. “You woke me up.” He attempted to snap at you. But you couldn’t be bothered with the fake attitude to cover up his curiosity that was to be marketed as concern. You rolled over and pulled the covers over you, studying the dark spots in the moon; trying to find the cluster that most resembled any object.

“I’m sorry.” You muttered sinking deeper into the mattress, wishing you could fall through it then the ground, falling to the core of Atterra. Beside you he shifted, laying down like he was going to seep into your body but remained a healthy distance away, like he was trying to follow your gaze out the window.

“What was it about?” His voice wasn’t tired though he looked like he had been thrashing around in a sleep like state.

“What was what about?” You asked, sleep lacing itself through every sound to topple over your lips.

“The dream.”

“You're the mind reader.” You drew in a deep breath and closed your eyes as it escaped into the space beyond you. “You tell me.”

“It’s private.” His hand found a piece of hair to twirl, “Don’t tell me unless you wish that I know.” He began combing his hands through your hair.

“Since when did you start caring about privacy,” You sat up pulling yourself from him. “Or what I wish?” You threw your legs over the bed and pushed off, standing up and crossing to the partition your robe had been slung over. You turned to see Kylo had also pulled himself from bed and now stood across the room fuming at your defiance of his gesture. “I think I need some air.”

Kylo began pulling on his clothes, the tension never once leaving him.

“Alone.” You went to the door but before you reached it Kylo stepped in your path, his fists clenched and somehow he was fully clothed.

“You’re not allowed solitude Lady Ren.” He seemed to tease. “You know this.” Yet his face showed no emotion, no expression to say he wasn’t absolutely serious.

“Where would I run?” Your annoyance only grew the longer you looked at him. You folded your arms across your chest. “There's nowhere for me to go.” You emphasized every syllable to make it easier for him to understand, maybe the slowness of your words would penetrate whatever brain lay beyond his thick skull.

“I’m giving you one chance.” He snarled, raising his hand, his lightsaber snapping into it; you flinched. “I don’t want to teach you this lesson again.” His words like the darkness that surrounded your resting mind, the memory of his red blade of energy tearing through the metal behind you and that same metal ripping through your flesh. “But it’d be so sweet to watch you crumble under me again.” His words now sickly sweet as he took a step closer to you.

Raising your hands you took a step back, “Okay!” You shouted in fear. “Please forgive me.” You spoke in a defeated tone as only Kylo Ren’s words had made you tremble before him, when only two days ago you would have done anything to make him kill you.

Kylo didn’t show any other indication of accepting your apology other than clipping his lightsaber to his waist and reaching for his helmet.

“Why are you wearing that?” You asked as the sound of his latches locking filled the air between you. “It’s late, no one is even around right now.”

“It scares you doesn’t it?” His voice, robotic. You shook your head. “It scares you because you know what’s under it,” he stepped closer to you, “and what lies beneath makes you burn.” He whispered, you felt his words engulf you; though they didn’t actually escape him, it was his normal voice bouncing off each wall of your mind. You shivered and looked up at him.

“I’d like to go to the garden now.” You made your voice as bland as the helmet made his. You didn’t wait for him, you just pressed past him and opened the door.

The halls were quiet, though not like morning quiet where the wind sounded soft and the sun like a golden glow cascading through the shadows. The quiet was heavy with darkness, the shadows reminding you of the dream-like state in which you had seen Kesi, another version of him, the moon casting a soft light that made the shadows harsh and deep. The wind was cold as it filtered through open windows and arches leading to the surrounding expanses of walkways of the castle. You felt your skin dimple as the cool air penetrated the thin layers of your robe and nightgown. Shivering as you wanted so badly to escape your position, find peace in the walk to the garden like you had so many times before; but the looming tyrant beside you tethered you to a reality you didn’t not want to live--a lifetime you’d never envisioned.

Though you had found salvation in his touch on two occasions, you couldn’t bring yourself to see him as anything other than an oppressor of a free galaxy you had once so faithfully believed in; and now you were enforcing his rule by unwillingly taking his hand and parading through his games. A sickness engulfing you as you realized that you could not bring yourself to wish any part of you dead, even the one that thought of the man next to you as a savior; no matter how small and weak it was. You wanted to believe this was because of Kesi, the hope of finding him again, living the lifetime he had envisioned for you. But your mind couldn’t make sense of the words he spoke to you in the tenebrosity your mind had created, and his words were exactly that; something you had created. Why were you struggling so hard to make sense of them when it seemed so plainly that you felt guilt for whatever happened to Kesi?

Passing through the grand doors of the dining room you could see the leaves gleaming with moonlight below the balcony. For a moment you forgot, forgot who was next to you, forgot who you were and what had happened to you, and you had forgotten that the stars hanging in the sky above were the tale of this life you were living; not that of the one Kesi had envisioned for himself.

“This garden.” Kylo spoke, his deep voice shattering the stillness of silence. “You feel an attachment to it.” He observed as you moved down the stairs, staggered to avoid the closeness of his body to yours. “Like a person you love.” His helmet made it hard but you thought you heard resentment in his voice; because you didn’t feel anything similar for him. But you brushed it off as a craving for him to replicate any emotion, an attempt to appear as anything more than a sociopath.

Breathing in deep as you were exposed to the virgin moonlight you made yourself believe another truth of yourself. “It’s Govell.” You hoped he wasn’t so deep in your mind that he could tell a lie from the truth. “He had this garden planted for me,” you traced the trunks of the many trees Kesi had planted. “I suppose I associate it with him.” You swallowed the hurt and ire you felt deep inside.

“You still love him?” Kylo’s bland words so unstimulating his question had almost gone unnoticed.

“It’s a love you never forget.” You looked up at him as the moon bounced off the metal of his helmet. You wanted to see his eyes shimmering back at you, but you were met with the seething pitch encapsulated by silver casings. “A love that’s seeded deep.”

“How?” No answer was good enough for him, because how could you make someone understand the loving attachment you felt; when you were sure they weren’t capable of the same complex emotion.

“He’s all I’ve ever known, he is my father.” You sighed wiping your cheeks of tears that had stealthily seeped beyond your tear ducts and rolled down your cheeks. Turning away from him you began to carry yourself farther into the garden.

“After all he’s done?”

You turned around in a flurry, the trees shielding you from the realization of how permanent your situation was overhead. Seeing Kylo stalking behind you.

“What do you want from me?” Your words sounded weak as you knew exactly what he wanted; you to admit he was your salvation from Govell. “Me to confess some deep hatred for him? Say that I’ve always wanted him dead?” Your voice increases in volume as more words topple from your lips. “Okay, I admit it. I feel grateful he’s not here anymore but if you think for one second it’s because I’ve always wanted him gone, you are denser than I thought.”

Kylo stood back observing you, letting the tantrum continue as he waited until you were at the height of your glory just so he could tear you down.

“I’m happy he’s gone because I can mourn him and not feel shitty because I’m mourning the person I thought he was.” You finished sucking in a long breath of air and letting your chest collapse as it steadied in shallow and rhythmic breaths.

“Mourning?” The mechanical voice sounded curious as he stepped closer to you, his presence pressing down on you as your body slicked with sweat and the healing flesh on your back tingled with anticipation of what was to come. The punishment looming in your consciousness like the reminder to breathe, unnoticed but once you focused on it, it was the only thing you could focus on.

“Oh right, I forgot you can’t mourn. Not when you’ve severed any ties you’ve had.” Words like venom enacting a rage inside Kylo you had seen that night in his quarters; your skin now burning with the fire of regret and sorrow. But you were already here; already under the moonlight with Kylo Ren, in a garden, in the dead of night, and to his advantage, no witnesses.

One swift movement of black and his lightsaber was ignited, spitting red hot energy into the air, hissing as it erected to its full length. You shivered with the memory of what he had done last time. He began tearing through the bushes, branches and leaves falling at his feet as guttural cries left the filters of his helmet. Backing up you watched as he tore apart the garden Kesi had built, his entire life being reduced to small fires burning on healthy branches and torn leaves as Kylo’s anger diminished an entire life's work in a matter of seconds. He drove the red blade through one of the planters and tore it up, dirt and roots flying as flowers crashed to the ground, dirtying themselves on the ground before Kylo tore their delicate skin apart with the tread of his boot.

When the crashing settled Kylo stood heaving with the exertion of his efforts, his breaths raspy through the helmet, dropping his saber he reached up to remove it. The hissing of the latches then the crashing of his black waves on his shoulder, his sweat glistened under the moonlight as he bared his teeth and threw the chunk of metal; letting it clatter somewhere distant behind him. Shifting his hand to his side his still ignited saber snapped into his hand and he went to return to his charade of tearing you apart.

“Tear it all down.” You yelled over the crackling and distance. “Burn it to the ground, I don’t care.” You swallowed and tightened your fist. “It won’t change the truth.”

Stillness, silence, watching in anticipation and terror as he heaved and waited; an unknown decision presenting itself to him. Sweat sticking to every inch of you as the cold wind billowed through every layer you dawned and pricked at your skin like a thousand tiny needles. Breath trickling past your lips as you tried your best not to disturb the fragile serenity of the moment, his eyes trained on you and his hair curling as it stuck to the sweat on his forehead. Sucking in one last deep breath the energy was harnessed back into his menacing hilt and he dropped it to the ground, a thud as it hit the dirt and grass between rocks.

“You never asked what happened to your parents for fear of losing Govell.” He began walking quickly towards you. “What you didn’t know is you already had.” His pace froze you in place as he grabbed your head with both hands and seemed to apply a mind-splitting pressure without flexing a muscle. Your vision faded to white as you opened your mouth to let out a scream but no sound came out.

_“It will make sense of itself very soon Govell Hess.” The voice old and weathered._

_Govell knelled in front of the figure, he was younger but he still dawned his slicked back hair and facial hair shaved into geometric patterns. He raised his head so he could meet the eyes of the man he knelled before._

_“What of the princess?” He asked._

_“Save her. She plays a part in this, it will be clear in due time. Now,” The figure leaned forward, the scarred and torn face of Snoke coming into the light. “Leave me.” He ordered and the vision faded, leaving you in the light as other cloudy memories came into view._

_“Get to the Ash Caves!” Govell called out ahead of him, his words hurried and frantic, but his demeanor calm and reserved as he scaled the side of the mountain. A man and women in royal clothing grasping at any footing they could, the woman holding a small bundle in her arms; a child. She struggled to gulp down air as her face was caked with dirt and she tried her best to shield the small life in her arms from the elements raging around her. The man glancing back every so often to assure that his wife and child were behind him. The wife slipping, the child almost crashing to the ground, Govell scooped the child in his arms and grabbed the arm of the queen pulling her up._

_“I’ve got her.” He assured over the raging wind. Glancing behind him to assure that nothing was there; nothing to be seen anyway._ __  
  


_Pressing up the volcanic mountain they reached a large ledge with multiple cave entrances around it. Huffing as he held the child close to his chest, Govell pointed to the largest of the openings. “The townspeople!” He called, “They’re in there!” The king and queen, shielding themselves from the ash whipping through the air, pressed towards the entrance of the cave. They reached the inside, where the elements had calmed but the whistling of the wind through the porous pillars whining through sound barriers. Wincing as they adjusted to the high pitched sound, they realized Govell stood at the entrance, holding their child close to his chest. He seemed to smile, but the lack of light emanating from the cave failed to illuminate his face._

_“There’s been no invasion, king and queen.” He chuckled. “But how naive are you to believe a few holoprojections?” As he spoke two figures stepped beside him, holding something on their backs that had a tube plugged into it, trailing to a metal rod they held in their hands. “No hard feelings, your majesty, but I’d known you’d always been weak.” He looked down at the screaming child in his arms. “But not her, she will grow strong. She will lead with strength and confidence.”_

_“Don’t you dare-” The queen screamed out but before she could say anything Govell signaled for the two men to open fire on the king and queen. A bright blaze erupted and tore through the cave, the screams of two withering rulers as the screams of their child were drowned out by the whistling of the wind and the distance of the ash caves from the surface of Atterra. The vision fading one more time._

_Govell stood at a holotable, Kylo projected into the middle of it._

_“You understand that by handing her over, you forfeit your title as Prime Minister and will be conditioned as an Admiral for The First Order?” His synthetic voice bouncing off the stone walls and bouncing back to Govell as a shiver wracked through him._

_“I understand, Supreme Leader.” He spoke bowing his head to signal his complacency. “I’ve already begun the degradation portion of the reconditioning for the soon to be Lady Ren.” A twinge of regret ripping through him, he choked it down and raised his head to look his valiant leader in the mask. “She’s taken to it very well.” He had successfully pushed any regret from his mind and became elated with the thought of banishing your family's rule from Atterra._

_“Prepare her, the next shuttle to arrive on Atterra will bring her to me.” The projection faded and Govell sighed pushing off the holotable, a figure stood in the doorway; Kesi the Gardner. Dressed in resistance garb and dirty with ash. The vision faded._

Gasping for air and grappling towards the thought of Kesi you let out a shredded scream as you collapsed into Kylo’s arms. He held you and lowered you to the ground as you grasped at any inch of fabric covering his body.

Tears spilling from the rims of your eyes as you pulled yourself closer to Kylo, you shook with the knowledge of betrayal; one that had taken place far before you had initially thought. Govell’s existence through your life only being a vulture feeding on the knowledge that he would be rid of you one day and he would have Atterra for himself. That’s all you were to him, a pawn to insure his rule of Atterra. Again in this moment, Kylo seemed like the lesser of two evils as he cradled you in his strong arms.

“He never cared.” You cried into the balled fabric of Kylo’s tunic in your fist. “I was just a pawn.” You whimpered hiding yourself in the warmth of his chest. “He killed my mother and father.”

“The First Order had corrupted Govell long before it’s rule impacted the galaxy.” His voice, calm as he held you close and securely to his chest.

“He told me to join the Resistance.” You didn’t seem to listen to Kylo.

“Because Snoke ordered it.” His voice seemed to materialize more in his chest than his throat. You looked up at him, the moonlight bouncing off his waves and bathing him in a soft glow as his eyes sparked an ember deep in your stomach. Quickly shifting your wrapped your arms around Kylo’s neck and pulled him in close breathing in the smell of him as you felt his surprise ripple through the space around you.

“You’ve saved me from Govell.”

Those were the only words you could manage past the choking sobs seeming to stick in your throat like glue.

“You shouldn’t mourn him.” Kylo spoke through the silence around you, causing you to release him and sit back on your heels.

“What?” You asked the tears drying on your cheeks.

Sitting in a suspended silence as the wind died down and the leaves didn’t make any noise, the alternating breaths of two sets of lungs the only audible sound. The moonlight dwindling behind the trees as morning drew near, you studied Kylo, wondering if this was a philosophy lesson on how to be a sociopath or something more real; a truth you wished he didn’t have to bring to your attention.

“You shouldn’t mourn him, he is alive.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg can you believe Kylo DIDN'T kill Govell, what a meanie >:(. I hope you guys are enjoying this version of the story because I am having a lot more fun writing it like this. Buckle up because there is so much more to come ;)


	10. Good Girls Get Rewards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Remember what a good girl I was? Remember how meek and pleasing I was to everybody? For the first time in my life I could just be.”  
> -Lev Grossman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Blood play, dom and sub dynamic, forced to ask for release

The fear and anger whirled inside you like an abrasive storm. Lying awake as you watched the darkness fade and the light stretch across the ceiling, with shallow breaths, swollen eyes, and sobs stuck in your throat as you felt the mattress grow colder next to you. You wished you could banish the events of the garden from existence entirely, not just to the recess of your memory. The knowledge of Govell still breathing weighed heavily on your mind while Kylo was out gallivanting beside him, you couldn’t believe you had been so naive to believe Kylo would have saved you from so much suffering; even after he knew what Govell had done to your parents.

Surprisingly the knowledge of what Govell had done that night on the mountain wasn’t what set you off, it was the fact that he had been able to falsely harbor love for you; knowing the truth of his actions. He had advised you on every decision you had ever made, including joining the resistance; he had known all along that it would be your downfall. And yet you were the only one to blame, a Queen too weak to think for herself, relying so heavily on the words of her Prime Minister when it should have been only her all along. Govell was right, you were just as weak as the resistance, you were weak enough to trust that things would change; freedom would rule the galaxy once more.

With eyes feeling dry but knowing there were still tears somewhere beyond you sat up, squeezing the covers in your hands; ensuring this was real and you weren’t dreaming. The early light of morning dancing through the window and onto the polished floor you sniffled as you wanted to forget every memory of this castle; every milestone your childhood harboured. You breathed in deep and stood up, letting yourself wobble before steadying and walking towards the bathroom. You felt a growing sensation to be independent, the first thing you wanted to do was brush your own hair. As you rummaged through the cabinets you heard the door open.

“Stars save me, not again.” You heard Cecily exclaim.

Clasping the brush in your hand you stood up and began pulling it through your hair. Sniffling to signal you were still in the room, Cecily’s hurried footsteps stopped in the doorway shortly after.

“I thought you disappeared again.” She crossed her hands in front of her. “I can do that for you M’lady.” She reached out for the brush.

“No.” You snapped a little too defensively. “I just want to know I can do things for myself.” You muttered, pulling the brush a little too aggressively through the knots in your hair. Cecily stepped back and leaned against the door frame, watching as you brushed through your hair; it was a small feat but a victory for you nonetheless. Your hair now untangled you looked to Cecily, her expression of patience and serenity remained.

“If your father figure killed your parents and lied about it your entire life, how would you feel?” Your words blunt and unforgiving, Cecily’s once content expression shifting into one of confusion. “Would you want him dead, not because of his betrayal but because of the lies? Is it right for me to feel that?”

“I-I…” She took in a deep breath and smoothed her smock. “I don’t know.” Her features twisting into a look of empathy. “I’m sorry.” Her voice, quiet and reserved. “Govell had breakfast prepared for you. Are you okay with that?” She asked in a timid manner.

“Do I have a choice?” You responded, defeat pulverizing any attempt you made to sound stronger than you felt.

Cecily pulled her lips into a tight smile and directed you towards the vanity, sitting you down and beginning your makeup. She smoothed a cream over your face with her delicate fingertips, your eyes studied her face while she worked at yours.

“I thought Kylo killed him.” You spoke as she worked around your cheeks and eyes. “I was angry and then happy.” Your lip quivered. “The man behind the hurt was gone and I’d only have this to worry about.” You motioned around you, Cecily knowing it meant your life with the First Order.

She didn’t speak; she let you rant and breathe heavily as she finished your makeup. The silence drifting over you like it did so often, it was a content feeling as she adjusted your hair and took a deep breath. Her presence faltered as she moved into the other room to return with your dressings for the day. When she returned with a deep blue dress, not one you had ever seen in your closet on the Finalizer. From the way it lay in Cecily’s arms you could distinguish the expansive train behind it, jewels dotting the neckline and chains accentuating the waist in a draping fashion. Small specks of reflective dust scattered the surface of the porous fabric overlaying a slick and shiny under layer, the arms the same porous over layer and cuffed at the wrist. You were taken back by the beauty of the dress and the deviancy of its appearance from the other dresses that had been bestowed to you.

“It’s-”

“A dress fit for the Queen of Atterra.” Cecily smiled holding it out to you.

Taking the heavy dress in your hands you held it up to your body, smoothing it against your stomach and spinning in half circles, feet planted, to see the stiffness of the dress. It flurried in blue wafts as you moved back and forth. Smiling, you handed it back to Cecily and began stripping down, new underwear was pulled on and you were helped into the dress, excitement growing in the pit of your stomach as it did in fact look like a dress you would have worn as Queen of Atterra. But the giddiness didn’t last long, any gift was sure to have a catch and every catch was another way of Kylo flaunting his power of the galaxy.

“What else is there besides breakfast?” You asked as Cecily zipped the dress up.

Resting her hands on your back and drawing in a deep breath she looked at your eyes through the reflection in the mirror. Her happy expression faded into one that she portrayed as blank but you could tell beyond she was hiding a truth that wasn’t hers to reveal.

“I’m not at liberty to say, M’lady.” She pressed against your back and leaned close to you. “The table.” She muttered in your ear.

You looked over, Kylo Ren’s helmet situated perfectly on the table by the door, it faced the bathroom and you felt your stomach drop. Surely he couldn’t use the helmet to spy on you. Cecily’s shoes clicked over to the wardrobe and she pulled out robes of her own. A deep blue matching your dress, she pulled them on and fastened the mask in place across her mouth and nose, pulling on velvet blue gloves.

“There’s another present in the dining hall, Lady Ren.” She spoke walking towards the table. “It seems the Supreme Leader left his mask. I’ll return it with you M’lady.” She bowed and grabbed the helmet.

Whatever sick game he was playing, you couldn’t win. You bit your cheek and followed Cecily out the door. Beyond it waited, Vicrul and two of the other knights, ones you learned were Trudgen and Cardo. They bowed their heads and let you exit the room before taking formation around you, Trudgen in the front, Cardo beside you, and Vicrul beside Cecily. Looking over your shoulder at Vicrul you expected him to look back, willing him to see you and offer you any sliver of freedom like he had previously; but the helmet in Cecily’s gloved hands reminded you that none of you had that power. You were all trapped in this loop of pleasing Kylo Ren and doing his bidding. Wondering if these knights had chosen to be here, or if they had been forced to this position like you had.

Had their lives been different before this? You couldn’t seem to see it, their resemblance to Kylo, or his to theirs, was a sign that this was where they were meant to be. They were warriors for their leader, that leader being a tyrannical, power hungry, ill-tempered, fallen Jedi. It made your stomach churn, the realization that Kylo had once fought for peace and balance and now he was the one tipping the scales, the one to wrought a dictatorial rule over the galaxy. No individual leaders, only representations of planets, reporting to the one above them all; the one who has no consideration for the lives below him. How could he call himself a leader--when he was the definition of a dictator.

The hallways were bustling with workers and troopers, platoons of white marching with blasters held close and fingers on the triggers. Expressionless masks haunting every corner and pressing down on the fear inside of you; a fear you would have once laughed at and continued to fight in your own way. But now you couldn’t fight against it, you had to fight for it, fight to hold onto that fear because that fear was your lifeline.

Cecily cleared her throat next to you and you peered over at her, the robes obscuring any view but her warm eyes and the strip of skin that lay across. Her eyes dwindled on you for a moment then she returned her gaze ahead, to the nearing grand doors of the dining hall, nervous sweat in the small of your back and under your arms as you worried of what the _“present”_ would be; what you would owe in its place out of Ren’s pocket.

Dread filled you as the creaking of hinges filled the area around you. The doors were swung open and there sat Govell Hess alongside an unmasked Kylo Ren. Your breath caught in your throat as without a second thought Cecily took Kylo’s mask to him. She muttered something behind her hand and she was waved away to the side of the room where she resided, waiting for her next orders. You were led to the chair you had sat in when you first arrived, the train of your dress pulling at your back like the weight of every mistake that had led you to this point sat upon it.

The chair felt too big, like it could swallow you whole as you blankly stared across the table at Govell who began picking at his breakfast. Kylo sat, his food untouched and eyes trained on you, you knew he could sense the building rage inside of you as you watched his jaw move to tear through the food in his mouth. Kylo cleared his throat and sat back in his chair, pressing his hands together and steepling his fingers under his nose. Your attention snapped to him and so did Govell’s, Govell quickly realized Kylo’s intention and cleared his own throat, wiping his face with his napkin before he spoke to you. You noticed he had a bruise on his cheekbone and his forehead.

“Lady Ren,” He swallowed once more. “I apologize for my actions yesterday.” He grabbed his glass and began to sip the liquid inside it. “I’m sure you understand my intent.” He said before taking another sip.

“I don’t.” You snapped. Your sudden defiance and volume startled him and he slightly spit his mouth full of blue milk back into his cup, coughing as he pulled it from his mouth. Out of the corner of your eye you could see a smile pulling at the corners of Kylo’s mouth. “It was foolish and an unnecessary flaunt of power. No message other than the one that you no longer answer to me.” Your hands folded in your lap and squeezing one another until your knuckles turned white and you felt your joints rubbing against each other. Govell staring at you in shock with no sign of salvation from the fearless leader beside him.

“That is by no means what I meant La-”

“Then explain the number of countless lives lost, lives that could later benefit the workforce of the First Order.” You leaned forward, your volume only increasing.

“They were going to kill those soldiers.” He defended his voice rising to the same level as yours.

“And yet you killed them yourself! Almost killing me alongside them!” You yelled slamming your hands on the table and pushing the chair out. You felt Kylo place his hand on your forearm, he looked at you, a calming ember in his eye and the promise of punishment if you continued down the path of your own personal agenda. You scoffed and pushed your plate away. “I’m not hungry.” Pulling yourself away from Kylo and the table you moved towards the archway leading to the garden, the hot morning sun blazing down on the balcony beyond it.

You carried yourself down the stairs and prepared yourself to be lost inside the winding pathways of the garden until you heard footsteps behind you. Turning you wished to see Cecily, maybe Vicrul, Kylo if it came down to it. But Govell stood there, staring back at you holding a flat velvet box in his hands. He stared at you through the silence, his wrinkled hands toying with the object they held as he nervously shifted in front of you. How had he been so weakened by only your words? However maybe it hadn’t only been yours. You still had no idea what Kylo had done when he met with Govell after you returned to the castle.

“When you were a child you spoke of a crown.” His voice cracked as he patted the box in one hand. “I thought this one would be fitting for your new position.” He whispered and handed you the box. “I’m sorry.”

You cautiously took the box from him and opened it. A crown of lightweight and darkly colored Quadanium steel with black jewels set into it and flowers molded onto the points of it. You picked it up and ran your fingers along it, even though you wanted nothing to do with Govell and wanted to take nothing from him you felt as if you had to. Looking up to the balcony to see Kylo leaning on the railings of the balcony you removed the tiara from the box, Govell holding the velvet casing as you situated the crown on your head. You felt a power surge through you, looking up again to see Kylo smiling down on you; a devilish flicker in his eyes as he watched the encounter.

“You look just like your mother.” Govell sounded weakened and sad. You looked back to him, a blubbering mess before you.

“Don’t speak of her.” You snapped, stepping close to him you balled his clothing in your hands and pulled him close to you so you could whisper in his ear. “I know what you did.” You ghosted his ear with your lips. “You disgust me.” You pushed away from him and walked past him, going to the steps; not really knowing where you would go but you knew Kylo would have something to say about your actions.

Kylo stood waiting for you at the top of the steps.

“I know I was out of line. But I couldn’t just-”

You were cut off by Kylo grabbing your hand and pulling you behind him, offering no explanation for his actions, or any indication of where you were going. As you were pulled through the halls with your dress a cinematic flurry behind you, you felt a warmth for Kylo again; like he was taking you away from the pain. But you couldn’t ignore the fact that he was most likely secluding you so there would be no witness to your punishment. He led you to the door of the command center and reached for the datapad, punching in a code, you stood behind him anxiously awaiting for the outcome of this to become clear as the door opened. He pulled you inside and immediately closed the door, doing something you didn’t expect; his fist smashed down breaking the datapad and leaving you locked in the command center with him.

“What are you doing?” Your words left your mouth in a startled heap as you watch sparks fly from the damaged electronics.

“Making sure there are no interruptions.” He spoke turning to face you, his gaze making you feel ten times smaller than you actually were.

Pressing himself against you, the hard length in his pants pressed through the bulging fabric of your dress as you felt his breath cascade on your neck. You felt panic deep in your stomach; panic that he was going to hurt you again.

“I-I’m sorry, just please don’t-” You were cut off by Kylo grabbing your jaw and pinching your cheeks so you felt your teeth scrape the inside of them. He directed your gaze so it was focused entirely on him, your breath quickened but remained quiet as he was pressed so close to you his breath made the peach fuzz on your cheeks tickle and goosebumps form in its wake.

“The rage inside you burns bright.” He whispered through the small space between you, his words sounding like a shout with his closeness. You gulped and continued to stare up at him, at a loss for words you waited for him to speak again. He pressed himself even closer, his growing erection digging in deeper. “Can’t you feel it?” He dropped his hand as they began exploring you, a fire burning in your stomach as you wanted his touch closer than the fabric of your dress would allow. You began reaching for him, begging for his clothes to be removed, his lips strayed from your neck and he muttered against your skin. “Patience.” He drew lines with his tongue down your chest.

Reaching the neckline of your dress he began pushing you towards the wall, when you felt the metal press into your back he began crouching down. His eyes locked onto yours and you couldn’t look away, you felt his hands wander to your ass as he massaged and pulled at the elastics of your underwear. When his knees rested on the ground he lifted your dress and his eyes left yours as he moved towards your covered mound and let your dress fall over him. You felt him kiss your thighs, one swift scoop of his arms and one thigh was hiked up onto his shoulders he began ghosting over your covered heat with kisses and brushes of his lips, earning soft and quiet moans from your chest.

You whimpered as the sensitivity of your clit only grew with the friction and thought of Kylo’s lips on your lips made your consciousness blur. You reached down and tried to find Kylo’s hair through the fabric covering him but you were startled when you felt his teeth through the fabric covering you. His attention moved to the hem of your underwear, he took it in between his teeth and began pulling, feeling it pinch and tighten as he pulled it farther and farther away from your body. Finally, with a satisfying snap you felt the fabric brush the back of your thigh as it fell to the ground, yelping as the sudden release of tension on the meaty parts of you was a shock.

Kylo began kissing where he had grabbed the hem of your underwear, his soft lips sending waves of anticipation to your already throbbing clit. You huffed as the soft touches overwhelmed you, his attention trailing down your stomach to your lips that were now soaking in your arousal. Slightly embarrassed, you whimpered when you felt his breath cold on the wet that coated you, you felt his tongue; sensitively cleaning up the arousal but purposefully avoiding any attention to your nub.

Thrashing and whimpering as he avoided pleasuring you, you gasped a plea to him.

“Kylo…” You whispered. “Please.”

His grasp at your hip tightened as he scooped up the other thigh and slung it over his shoulder, feeling his clothes scratch at the soft squishy flesh of your thigh. His face now buried between your legs you were able to lift up your dress as his tongue began to run the length of your slit. He took his time making you unravel for him, making sure you were utterly and completely devoted to him and his abilities. You were slightly afraid he would undo you then leave, but that was only a whisper compared to the screams of pleasure dotting your vision. You watched as his hair shifted and his head moved, his hair tickling the nerves on the inside of your thighs as he finally teased your nub with the tip of his tongue.

You sucked in a deep breath of air as you felt his tongue swirl around your nub, causing more desire to pool out of you onto Kylo's chin. Kylo took your clit in your mouth and began sucking and grazing as you fell into a shallow pool of euphoria; release being Kylo’s ability to over fill it and push you over the edge.

Small whimpers escaping your chest as you struggled to find what to do with your hands. You wanted to bury them in Kylo’s soft, black waves but you didn’t want to disturb him; even though he was pleasuring you. Hearing the internal conflict Kylo reached up and grabbed one of your hands placing it on his head. Startled by this you didn’t move, you just sat there letting him pleasure you with your stiff hand resting on his head. Kylo, stopped working at your clit, moved and placed his lips on your thigh, sucking at first then using his teeth to pull at the skin. You gasped and lightly tugged at his hair, like it was a trigger, he bit hard at the sensitive flesh; you felt his dull teeth tear through the layer of skin and blood pool out.

“Harder.” Kylo muttered against your skin. Biting the same spot again, you listened. Tugging his hair harder he was pulled farther away from your skin. He smiled, blood and cum surrounding his mouth and chin. “Harder, _Princess_.” He teased before viciously attacking your cunt with his mouth, thrusting his tongue inside you, his nose rubbing and stimulating your clit.

With a fist full of hair you pulled as hard as you could, Kylo growling in response. “Good girl.” He muttered, retracting his tongue from your pussy. It was now a fever dream, a reality blurred in euphoria and ecstasy as he worked at you faster and faster. Filling your pool and drawing you closer to the edge. He pulled himself from you once again. “Ask me before you cum.”

“What?” You breathed the question as your chest heaved with you nearing orgasm.

Quickly he stood and your legs dropped to the ground, but before you could fall with them Kylo’s hand encapsulated your throat and held you against the wall; not blocking air flow but making your lips tingle.

“Ask me before you cum.” He spoke into your ear, his fingers finding your begging clit and rubbing; the leather causing a weird but pleasurable sensation.

“Kylo can I-”

“Who am I?” His grip tightened around your throat.

_Master._

The word came to you in a lust filled search of yourself, but it was the only title you could think to match Kylo Ren in that moment; he was your master in a way.

“Master Ren.”

You felt him smirk and lean closer to you, your own blood and cum wetting the side of your face. “I like that.” He growled in your ear as he continued to rub your clit. His hand moved and he began inserting fingers inside you, keeping his pace of pleasure on your clit with his thumb. “Do you like that princess?”

“Yes- _fuck_ -Master Ren.” You choked past his hand as you arched your back, an attempt to escape the overload of sensation your body was feeling.

Rising closer and closer to your release, you held onto Kylo like he was your savior; he was your salvation.

“ _Fuck.”_ Kylo moaned in your ear. “You're so wet.” He whispered as he continued to pleasure you. Finally it was coming, your orgasm was on the tip of your tongue.

“Master Ren- _shit-_ can I-” You panted. “Can I cum, Master Ren?” You gasped as you were coming so close your vision blurred and you felt like you were going to go into a frenzy if you were denied any longer.

Kylo slowed his pace, “Of course, _Princess.”_ He whispered and picked up his speed. One final motion and you were undone. Pulsating and shaking as you held him close, both of you panting. 

Once you had finally calmed Kylo removed his hand from your pussy and brought to your lips. “Open.” He demand, you comply and his fingers slipped into your mouth. You tasted your own salty cum and leather as you cleaned the mixture from his glove, “Do you like how you taste?” He mused as his eyes lingered on the way your lips wrapped around his fingers, he smirked as you hummed ‘mhm’. He pulled his hand from your mouth and wiped the side of your face, removing the blood and cum, then doing the same to himself with his sleeve.

Only wanting to repay the favor you dropped to your knees and began to trace the outline of his cock with your fingers. You felt him twitch through his pants as your touch stimulated his throbbing length. His hand reached down and grabbed your chin, tsking as he moved your gaze to his.

“That was your reward.” He spoke calmly.

“Reward…” You repeated in a confused tone. “Reward for what?”

“Showing Hess the hatred deep inside.” He gleaned down at you, a look you had never seen crossing his features. Pleasure engulfing his existence as he finally found approval for your actions. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi omg I know it's not Friday but I'm so ANXIOUS for this chapter that I just had to post it. Please forgive me. Ahh haha i forgot to put warnings, i'm so sorry if you read this before i remembered -kashmirbaby<3


	11. Calm These Desires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The truth is rarely pure and never simple." ― Oscar Wilde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Ash sacrilege, Dubious consent, Skull fucking

Your life had dulled to the walls of the castle and repetitive visits to settlements to observe integration of First Order transitions. The conditioning was marketed as 'integration' but was mainly like a hammer that came down hard and fast, anyone who rebelled being carted off, never to be seen again. There wasn't even the excitement of lying in a bed with Kylo Ren, you were left alone at night, rolling around in the cold sheets trying not to think about the way he made you feel that morning in the Command Center. He didn't even mention any of the events that had occurred since you arrived on Atterra, he barely spoke to you at all. You were a decoration beside him as he led you through the streets of Atterra, his power emanating off him and you as people hid close to their loved ones after news of the attack on the first settlement had spread. It broke your heart to see your people so terrified of you, but then again, they had a right to be.

They had been the ones to beat you and break you down, with promise of immunity from any consequences if they did as Govell had told them. But that was when Atterra was in complete anarchy, distant from the First Order and falling just as you had. They couldn't have foreseen such harsh consequences, they had trusted Govell and took his words for honesty; just as you had. No matter the anger you tried to direct towards them, it always fell back to Govell, always found a way to twist itself around his neck and let you watch as he choked on his own betrayal. You could only see these tired faces and broken souls as a reflection of yourself, beat into submission and told their only purpose in life is to serve the First Order and the whims of those above them. A disgusting excuse for loyalty as they did as they were told but cursed those who asked them to do it under their breath as they completed the task to the best of their ability, for recognition, appreciation, relief of the abuse being dished out in the wake of soldiers and other workers alike.

Now all you could do was lay in the large bed on Atterra while looking at the constellations, screaming into the void inside you as you struggled to stay awake; fearful of what new nightmare Kesi would star in if you let sleep stunt your consciousness. It wasn't just a fear of that, but a fear that the nightmare would shift into your own hands around your throat, holding you underwater; because there was no one who could hate you more than you did yourself.

The sky was especially dim tonight as you laid on your side, tracing lines with your eyes and trying to find new ways they could fit into the puzzle of your future. You wanted to believe there was one beyond this, a day of reckoning would come and Kylo Ren would answer for all he's done and you would be free. But like the rule in Atterra, it was this brutal and powerful everywhere, even more so in places that were deemed expendable.

Your mind wandered to the bunkers on Atterra, wondering if Resistance fighters locked themselves inside and were now waiting for their next opportunity to save what is left of them. But then you remembered Govell Hess telling you that your visit was unnecessary, he never had told you what happened to the Resistance or any information involving your previous life since you were ripped away by the First Order. The questioning became overwhelming as the sheets grew hotter around you, peeling them from your skin you sat up, and took in a deep breath. Flinging your feet over the edge of the bed, the bottoms of your feet were shocked as the smooth rock below them seemed to freeze the skin, but only for a second before they numbed to the feeling and you stood up.

Walking softly to the door, you fumbled with the handle before your grip was tight enough to pull it open. Sticking out your head and peering to either side, there was no one outside, which you found odd. If you were never allowed to be truly and utterly alone, why wasn't there anyone standing guard outside your door, waiting for you to run? Drawing in another deep breath you stepped out into the soft candlelight glow of the hallway, holding your naked arms close to your body, being reminded of the healing bite at your thigh, a cluster of scabs and bruises rubbing the soft skin of your opposite thigh with each step. You didn't know where to begin, the Command Center was too risky, too far, the servants quarters had already been turned over by you in a frantic panic for the truth. You were left with the study and Govell's bedroom, which he was no doubt sleeping in. Mentally preparing the map inside your head as you began walking faster, with more of a purpose as to not be questioned by innocent passersby.

"We're late, Trudgen." It was Vicruls voice coming down the hallway around the corner. A panic deep inside you erupted as you reached for the closest door and yanked it open, hiding inside.

With your back pressed against the door you looked into the room, dark and small but you could see Cecily perched on the bed in the corner of the room. "M'lady I-" She began but you held your finger up to your lips and shushed her loudly as you heard the boots pounding the hallway outside. You calculated that they stopped near the door to your quarters, cursing under your breath you looked at Cecily and remembered her robes.

"Your robes." You loudly whispered.

"What about them?" She spoke quietly and softly.

"I need them." You frantically flailed your hands as you heard another set of boots.

"Why?" She questioned again.

"Dammit Cecily," You exclaimed a little louder than anticipated. "Resistance business." You held out your hands and motioned for her to give you her robes. She sighed and stood, crossing the room to the small wardrobe. She pulled out the black robes and began pulling them apart, handing you the pieces as she did so.

"I swear, if you get caught." She muttered under her breath.

"I won't." You assured her while pulling on the hair covering. Cecily shook her head, and laughed.

"This is not a part of my job description."

You smiled while clasping the piece of fabric that covered your face, and opened the door. "It is now." You slipped out and closed the door behind you, hearing Cecily lock it as your hands left the handle. You looked to Trudgen and Vicrul, the two knights stood beside the door to your quarters, they hadn't seemed to notice you until your gaze lingered a little too long.

"Can we help you Gentlewoman?" Trudgen spoke looking towards you. The panic set in and the sweat on your brow thickened. "Hello...?" He teased waving his hand down the hallway. You cleared your throat and opened it to speak.

"Hey." Vicrul snapped at Trudgen. "Lay off." Trudgen's attention was moved to Vicrul and you slipped around the corner and willed your legs to carry you far away from that situation.

Your breath pace quickened as you quickly moved down the hallways, nearly sprinting to the study as you thought every little rustle of leaves in the trees below was someone following behind you. Worry that you wouldn't make it, that you had been found out of bed with your gentlewoman in her locked quarters and her robes missing. But you felt lucky for how the situation had panned out, but also suspicion that it had gone so smoothly; had Vicrul known it was you under those robes? You shivered with the thought.

Finally reaching the door to the study you felt a wave of relief wash over you, but it was soon crushed by the defeat you felt when you saw the locked symbol on the datapad. You punched in the code which you previously had set, however it blinked red and beeped at you. "Shut up." You muttered and thought for a moment. What would be a number corresponding with Govell's greatest achievement? The day he pawned you off the First Order, try that.

The numbers blinked green and the door popped open. Govell is an asshole. You slipped in and closed the door behind you, entering the code on the opposite side and letting it lock you inside. Taking a deep breath you looked over the room feeling overwhelmed by the amount of places to dig through. Sighing, you became aware of the fabric covering your mouth. You pulled it off and wiped the sweat the heat of your own breath had produced. How does Cecily do that for hours at a time? You tucked it to the side and headed for the bookshelf, looking for any books that may look suspicious, how can a book look suspicious? Maybe the ones that look worn, but that would mean they've been read before you were taken away. Possibly ones that look new and out of place. None of the books matched that, they were all old and weathered, though dusty like they hadn't been moved in months. Maybe that was it, look for ones that weren't dusty.

Scanning the shelves hurt your head and you often lost place of where you were looking. All the books seemed equally dusty and like they didn't hold any secrets, besides Govell probably wouldn't dream about touching books that your father had curated; it was a surprise he even kept them. You moved to the desk, looking in the drawers, filled with various journals and papers. Datapads labeled with different file names and code words. You reached a drawer that was locked. Pulling on it, it didn't seem like you could break the lock, now you had to find the key before you could find the truth. How _poetic_.

If you were Govell Hess, where would you hide a super important key? You looked to the urns residing on the top of the bookshelf, labeled king and queen. If he held onto the date you were turned over to the first order, what would he hide in your parents ashes? It was morbid to think but it was the only thought your racing mind could focus on. You grabbed the chair from the desk and carried it over to the bookshelf setting it down and shaking it to make sure it didn't wobble. Lifting up the heavy fabric around your body you stepped up onto it, stumbling slightly when you lifted your other foot up. You latched onto the top shelf to steady yourself, you were still shorter than the bookshelf but if you stretched far enough you would be able to reach the top.

The arches of your feet burning and straining as you stood on your toes to heighten yourself so you could see the urns. You reached your hand up and grabbed the first one, it was your fathers; you felt no connection to it, for all you knew it was random ash harvested from the surface of Atterra. You set it on the shelf and shoved your chest against it to hold it in place, as you began unscrewing the lid the chair wobbled and the urn tipped on its side, a small amount of ash spilling on the ground below.

"Fuck." You mumbled as you corrected it and rolled your sleeves up.

Taking a deep breath you prepared yourself to shove your hand in the ash. Your hand coated with sweat made the ash stick and clump as your hand went deeper and deeper, breathing fast as you hoped these weren't your father's real ashes. Your hand reached the bottom as ash sloshed out and coated the front of you and sprinkled the chair and the floor, the movement of your hand only made more spill out; there was nothing in the bottom of the urn. Cursing under your breath you sealed the urn and placed it back where you retrieved it from, reaching for your mothers with ash coated fingertips. You repeated the process with your mother's urn, though not spilling nearly as much. You tried to lower your hand slowly into the urn but it came down too fast, causing a puff of ash to coat your face and settle on your tongue. You coughed and spit a clump of saliva landing in the urn.

"Forgive me." You whispered holding back tears as you sifted through your mother's urn hoping to find Govell's secrets.

There was something thin and metal, you tried to grab it but it seemed to be whisked away in the momentum your movements caused in the ash. You tried again, slower, but it was still ripped away from you. Finally slowly and methodically wiggling your fingers through the ash your fingers hooked on an open end of the object, clasping it as hard as you could you pulled it from the urn. Pulling it out it was a key, a spare to the desk you assumed. You set it on the shelf and closed your mother's urn, muttering apologies as you stepped down from the chair. You felt the ash coat the bottoms of your feet as you were reunited with the ground. Picking up the chair you took it back to the desk and sat down, putting the key in the lock and sighing in relief as it smoothly turned and unlocked the drawer.

Inside there were holochips labeled with different dates and events. One being 'The Queens Turning Point.' You avoided that one and sifted through until you found one with the date of your wedding, the only words read ' _Resistance_ '. Your heart thumping in your throat and your stomach resting at your feet you grabbed one of the datapads and inserted the chip. As you waited for it to load your throat seemed to swell and your eyes burned with the promise of tears. Sucking in a deep breath as you saw the picture fade into view through static, it looked like it was being filmed from someone's point of view, like a helmet. You could see the entrance to the bunker in the distance, soldiers with flamethrowers strapped to their backs, and blasters that seemed too big for them.

The soldier recording held up a small holoprojector, Govell stood as a blue miniature image of himself.

_"That is the bunker, commence the attack." His words grave as the projection faded and the soldier nodded._

_"Move in." He said as he made a motion with his hand, the other men in white followed his lead as he crouched down and made his way over the hill between his battalion and the bunker._

_The sky was dark, like a storm was near. Wind whistled through the pumice pillars around the moving bodies as they moved closer to the bunker. Thunder seemed to shake the entire planet as the storm raged on somewhere farther than them, but the aftershocks were felt for miles around. The sound of boots against rock, transitioning into the soft thumps of boots on grass was a nightmarish song paired with the eerie melody of Atterra's surface. The soldiers held no emotion as they robotically moved towards the bunker, taking their formation to breach the door._

_One soldier kneeled at the door and placed an explosive on the metal, he typed in a sequence and everyone stood back as a rhythmic beeping could barely be heard over the howling wind. They felt no fear, no ability to flinch as the door imploded and they pushed in before the dust had even settled._

_They had the element of surprise as they pushed through the long corridor, any stragglers of the resistance had been caught in the explosion. The men pressed on and shot at anything that moved, bodies falling with heavy thuds and screams as others watched the dead weight topple over under the troopers feet. The lights overhead flickering as they lost their connection to the power sources, soon the bunker would be bathed in darkness and that would mean the First Order had all the power. They moved deeper into the bunker until they reached the main living quarters, waiting as they grouped back together and prepared to breach the door._

_The captain of the soldiers counted with his fingers, breathing heavily as he did so._

_3...2...1..._

_The door was kicked open and the resistance stood in a formation with old blasters and staffs in their hands. Letting out a cry of one final stand for hope they rushed the soldiers. However they were quickly scorched as the flamethrowers were kicked on and flames filled the room, burning all of the resistance members. Their screams echoing in the room, then the lights flickered off, there was no need for night vision; the fire and the fuel of human flesh kept the light alive._

_"The threat has been neutralized, Admiral Hess." The Captain cued over his comlink. "Check in with squad two on the twin planet."_

_  
_ _"Squadron one to squadron two, has your threat been neutralized?" Another soldier cued through a holoprojector._

_"Affirmative."_

Your heart felt hollow as hot streams of tears tore down your cheeks, leaving red paths in their wake. You couldn't do anything but shake as you watched them burn alive, falling to their knees, screaming for help as the soldiers watched their bodies burn. The holovideo ended and began to replay but you quickly shut it off and tried to steady your breath as you began to hyperventilate. You looked at the datapad as rage filled you to your brim, taking it in your hands you chucked it as hard as you could at the door, watching it crack in half and the casing shatter across the floor.

Looking back to the drawer you saw another holochip labeled, ' _Kesi, Command Center.'_ dated the day before you were taken from Atterra. Overcome with curiosity you picked the chip up and held it between two fingers, staring at it before grabbing another datapad and plugging it in. Your body turned cold as you waited for the data of the chip to load.

_Govell leaned against the round holotable in the Command Center as Kylo Ren's image faded from the projector. The door opened Kesi waited on the other side, dressed in resistance fighter gear rather than his usual button-up, suspenders, and pants. A blaster strapped to his thigh, his hand rested on it, ready to aim it and pull the trigger at any time; but he remained cool as he watched Govell's wrinkled face turn to look at him._

_"Kesi." Govell spoke in a flattery tone, one Kesi knew to be fake._

_"Where is she?" He snapped, tightening his grip on the blaster._

_"Where is who?" Govell played dumb, knowing exactly who Kesi was asking for. Kesi pulled the blaster from his thigh and aimed it at Govell._

_"Tell me, or I shoot." His hands shaking as the blaster felt odd and big in his hands; too violent for a gardener to be holding, yet here he was._

_"My boy, you don't know how to use that thing." Govell waved his fingers and like they had been behind Kesi the whole time two stormtroopers grabbed him on either side and knocked the blaster out of his hands. "These things hurt people." Govell walked to it and grabbed it, waving it around with no regard to where it was aimed._

_"Watch it old man." Kesi exclaimed ducking as best he could with the hold on his arms._

_"Tell me where you've gone, and maybe I'll let you see her." Govell mused as he studied the build of the blaster, holding it up to the light in a way that aimed it perfectly at Kesi's head._

_Kesi didn't speak, he just struggled and attempted to throw the two troopers off of him. The room grew silent as both tried to assert their dominance for their actions or lack thereof. Govell just seemed to study Kesi, watching his every muscle twitch and listening to the way his grunts vibrated the sound waves around him. Finally Govell moved in front of Kesi, holding the blaster to his stomach, finger on the trigger and an itch to pull it._

_"Go on." He smiled and got close to Kesi's face. "Tell me, what will you do with her first?" He mused whispering against his skin, "Impregnate her?" He chuckled, but Kesi cut his laughter short by ramming his head into Govell's causing Govell to stumble; before the old man could regain his balance Kesi spit on him, laughing as he watched Govell's nose begin to drip blood. Govell stood up, anger filling his eyes and he raised the blaster and shot it through Kesi's stomach. Kesi gasped and looked down as smoke billowed from the hole in his stomach, taking a step towards him Govell shoved his finger in the wound and curled it, making Kesi wince as he was losing consciousness. "I will keep you alive; just to watch the precious queen you love so much fade into an evil she swore to fight." Govell pulled his finger out and retrieved a cloth from his jacket, wiping off his finger he waved the soldiers way. "Take him to the infirmary."_

_The soldiers left and Govell was alone. He looked at the holotable._

The video ended and any emotion was lodged in your throat as you stared blankly at the video beginning to replay.

Anger now seemed to become the only thing, the only you. You shook as you thought of your hands at Govell's throat, feeling the life leave him, watching the light in his eyes dwindle as he took his last breaths; leaving him dead and his warmth fading as you felt your anger only rise.

Knowing that killing Govell wouldn't somehow make all those lives not lost in vain, but it would bring peace to you and that was selfish; but believing that it wouldn't feel good was another thing entirely. And you had no imagination for that. Govell would die and he would feel the hurt that all those people had, he would pay for his actions, he didn't deserve imprisonment; because that is only debilitating not absolutely killing his corruption once and for all, except the memory that would remain.

It was late, you needed to return to your quarters. You cleaned up as best you could, hiding the key in a different place after locking the drawers, there was nothing to clean the ash so you left it. You unlocked the door and slipped from the room, locking it behind you, flurrying down the hallways; securing the face covering as you walked briskly. Your stomach churns with every step as you thought about Kesi. There was still a possibility he was alive, Govell said he would keep him alive, although that could have been just another empty promise; Kesi could very well be dead. You couldn't think like that, you would find an excuse to go to the infirmary, say that you aren't feeling well and you should get checked out. You hoped it would be enough. You peered down the hallway, Vicrul and Trudgen still in their same spots. You took a deep breath and stepped to Cecily's door, knocking softly close to the door knob just to make it look like you were struggling to open the door.

"Trudgen, the other knights need you on the land platform. I got it." Vicrul said and Trudgen didn't argue, he left and you froze as he walked past you, waiting for him to say something. But he just disappeared down the hallway and you heard Vicrul's boots coming towards you, you began knocking frantically and you heard the door begin to open until you heard Vicrul's voice; a low whisper but still rocky enough to tear through your eardrums. "Where did you go Cecily? I lied to Trudgen, you know you're not supposed to leave after midnight."

So many questions swirled through your mind, why did he know Cecily's name? Why was he protecting her from the other knights? Why was he talking to her on such a personal level? You were frozen with fear and confusion as you stared up at Vicrul, panicking trying to figure out how you could make yourself sound like Cecily with her prim words and light accent. Sweat coating your entire body from stress and the amount of layers on your skin. Finally sighing and preparing to speak Vicrul reached up to the face covering, "Take this off. Let me look at you." He peeled it back and dropped his hand when he saw your face.

"Lady Ren...?" He whispered.

Quickly Cecily opened the door and pulled you in, looking in either direction. "Don't speak of this to anyone." She hissed and began to close the door but pulled it back open. "But wait here so you can escort her back." She slammed the door. And turned to you in an angry wisp.

"I told you _not_ to get caught." She pointed out as she began to strip the robes off of you.

"How does he know your name?" You asked in an accusatory fashion. Cecily's gaze still filled with a maternal like anger, she looked you up and down and raised an eyebrow.

"What's all over my robes?" She retorted.

"Don't wanna talk about it. Got it." You slipped out of the last layer and breathed a sigh of relief as you fanned yourself.

"Did you at least find what you were looking for?" She asked as she balled the dirtied robes up and threw them in the corner of the room.

The memory and hurt returning, you zoned out, only hearing the screams of the burning Resistance, and the sound of the muffled blast that tore through Kesi's stomach you felt the tears return to your eyes as you stared at the floor.

"I wish I hadn't." Your voice broke as Cecily sighed, your interaction being cut short by the pounding of Vicrul's fist against the door. Cecily ran to it and flung it open. Vicrul looked past her and to you, his mask obscuring his eyes though you could feel them on you as he growled.

"We have to go. Now." His words escaping through gritted teeth. You walked closer and he snatched your wrist pulling you from Cecily's room, and down the hall. You stumbled behind him, tripping over your feet, wincing as he pulled on your arm slightly too hard. He pulled the door open and seemed to whip you inside. "Take a shower." He said as he closed the door. To say you were confused was an understatement, until you remembered the ash on your hands and feet and potentially on your face, then you heard his boots; Kylo Ren's menacing steps down the hallway. They didn't sound like the knights, which was odd because they were all boot coated footsteps, his just seemed _heavier_.

Scrambling as you ran through the room, pulling off your nightgown and underwear as you fumbled with the controls on the shower. Turning it on and scorching yourself as the water pelted you, the door opening and you muffled your shriek with your hand as you continued to struggle with the controls. Finally the water was at the perfect temperature and you quickly rubbed your hands together, then your face, then your feet. Hoping Kylo would leave without another word, but when you turned around you saw him standing in the doorway. You jumped and yelped, gulping down air and resting your hands on your knees.

" _Fuck_." You panted.

Looking up you saw Kylo slowly removing his gloves, kicking off his boots, unzipping his tunic. Panic set in, your mind raced and you could only stand staring as water trickled over your face, obscuring your view as water settled on your eyelashes. You had to say something. Anything.

"I, uh-" You wiped your face "I woke up sweaty." Crossing your arms over your chest as Kylo continued to strip down, eyes never once leaving yours.

"I don't care." He said before pulling down his pants, his cock springing free and bobbing as it was relieved from the compression of his pants.

"O-okay." You said turning around as you felt your face grow red, the water now running directly into your face and making it difficult to open your eyes. "I'm almost done and then you can-" Kylo's hand grabbed your shoulder as he pulled himself into the shower, situating himself behind you.

"Stay." He seemed to demand but you could sense that he would beg if you fought him, but you were tired and confused so you listened; remaining under the water as Kylo showered around you. Reaching to grab a bar of soap, he pressed himself against you, and you felt it. Hard and throbbing as it poked your back, your breath caught in your throat as you felt it, freezing as he didn't seem to mind that you felt him. Jumping when you felt his hands lathered in soap on your shoulders. "Relax." He whispered as he began messaging your skin, pulling so your arms fell to your sides.

Kylo dragged the soap down your arms, when he reached your hands he intertwined his fingers with yours but only for a moment before he moved his hands to your ass and pulled his hands up your back; the soap had probably all been washed away but his mission wasn't to clean you. His hands rested on your waist as he breathed in deep then moved to your stomach, pulling you close to him, his cock now fully flush against your skin. His hands found their way to your breasts, he began massaging them as you rested against his chest and his head rested against yours. Your body was like a doll in Kylo Ren's hands, only bending when he wanted, moving the way he wanted, and silent as he played with the flesh covering your quivering bones. Your mind racing with everything and nothing all at once as you stared at the wall beyond the stream of water, panic and serenity filled your being simultaneously.

"Your mind is crowded." Kylo spoke over the sound of the pattering shower head. "Yet you have nothing to say." He spoke as he kissed your wet hair.

"They are unimportant thoughts." Kylo spun you, grabbing your hand and lifting your chin up with the other when you faced him.

"There are no unimportant thoughts." He brought his face to yours, his hand leading yours closer to his waist. "Let me calm these desires." He whispered, his forehead pressed against yours, eyes locked, and his hand leading yours to his cock.

His hand brought your hand to his cock, you wrapped your fingers around it while holding his gaze, his lips opening as your touch filled him with ecstasy. You began stroking and he hummed in pleasure as he brought his hands up to cup your face, he didn't speak. You stood there pumping his cock, gazing into his eyes, with water falling on the both of you, making everything slippery. Kylo began to push you down, until you knelt on the floor of the shower. He pushed the hair out of your face.

"How lovely you look on your knees." He hummed as he prepared himself to enter your mouth. His hand wrapped in your hair and he widened his stance, "Open." His words demanding and cold, you did as you were told, feeling water stream into your mouth then Kylo's cock on your tongue. It started slowly at first, he set the rhythm and let you pick it up, your hands gripping his powerful thighs as you mouth pumped his cock, feeling spit and water spill out of the sides of your mouth as he took up any available space in your mouth. His moans mixed with the patter of the water on flesh and stone as his cries of pleasure seemed to echo through the room and into your bones; it felt good to make him feel good.

His body began to shake as he neared his peak, he pulled your hair harder as he began fucking your mouth, feverishly pumping in and out, moaning as his cock would hit the back of your throat. Thrusting until your throat went limp and your hands fell from his thighs, both hands now fisting your hair, fucking your throat as he moaned animalistically; no care of who heard. A behemoth pounding into your skull as water trickled down your face and you felt his heat increase the faster he flicked his hips into your mouth. Your jaw hyper extended as Kylo showed no mercy, wailing in pleasure until finally you felt his hot cum hit the back of your throat. He held your head to the base of his cock until he was finished, he loosened his grip on your hair and moaned as you suckled the length of his dick, removing it from your mouth with a satisfying pop.

"Swallow." He thumbed at your chin as you closed your mouth and you swallowed, feeling his cum trickle down your throat and travel to your belly. You popped your mouth open, showing that nothing remained Kylo smiled and turned off the water in the shower. He grabbed a towel from the rack and began drying himself as you wobbled to your feet, feeling you clit sensitive with arousal; in your lust drunk state for Kylo's cock your mind had been completely washed of any regard to your pleasure. He grabbed another towel and placed it on your head, ruffling your hair to rid it of moisture then releasing it. You wrapped it around your body, looking up at Kylo the light reflected off the water beads dripping down his forehead, his long nose providing a slope for water to accumulate and trickle off of. He stared back at you, his eyes bland and absent of any emotion you could even begin to describe.

Realization flooded your senses, Kylo had evened the score and now you owed him nothing, now hungover on euphoria with an aching jaw and vacant heart your feet felt like boulders; anchoring you in place as Kylo left the enclosed space of the shower. Watching him escape into the dark room beyond he turned, looking over his shoulder.

"Are you going to sleep in the shower?" His words like daggers, a question that didn't need an answer because in every way you would find a way to crawl into bed with him; and you couldn't tell yourself why. Moving your aching body you managed to make it to the wardrobe opening it, you reached for a night gown, but before your hand entered it, the door was slammed shut and you looked to Kylo. He stood naked next to the bed, his eyes burning with something smaller than anger but more chaotic than serenity. "Lay down." He motioned and like a thrall to Kylo Ren, hypnotized by his commands, you walked to the bed and laid down still wrapped in the towel.

The mattress sunk next you and Kylo pulled the towel so it only lay on top of you. He began fanning out your wet hair on the pillow below your head, his large fingers pulling at the tangles in your hair. Overwhelmed with too many questions and not enough answers, one slipped over your lips, shifting the energy beside you.

"Why can't I hate you?" You muttered into nothingness, hoping it was too quiet for him to hear. But he drew in a deep breath through his nose and let it out.

"That's for you to decide princess." His arm pulling you closer, his hand resting on your stomach. "Now rest that tired mind."

His words like a spell, triggering the lulling of your head and the fade into darkness; you crashed into sleep like you never had before, wrapped in Kylo's arms, your jaw aching from the way he fucked it, and his cum in your belly.

You felt content, things didn't seem bad when you were in his arms; and sleep wasn't a nightmare, and Kesi wasn't there to drown you.

Screams in your mind sounded so real, so terrified; like they were in the hallways beyond the door. It was just your mind, replaying the screams of the Resistance. Whatever you had to tell yourself to fall asleep in Kylo Ren's arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super nervous for this chapter and I know there was so much in the last chapter but ahhhh. I hope you guys enjoyed it!


	12. Star Crossed Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt." -Rachel Sontag

Blinking as light poured in through the curtains, you groaned and rolled over, reaching out for a body beside you. Your touch was met with an empty space and cold sheets, as you opened your mouth to yawn, an aching soreness reminded you of last night's shower. Bringing your hand up to massage the pain your tit poked out from under the towel lazily draped over you, your nipple perking up as it was brushed with the plush fabric. Sniffling you sat up holding the towel close to you, it looked much later than you were normally allowed to wake up, although you didn't mind; it had been a long night and you needed to be away from the memories for as long as possible.

Although the serenity didn't last long, you thought of Kesi, how he could still be alive; how he could be a prisoner somewhere in this castle. Hungover from pain and ecstasy, you held the towel around your body as you walked to the bathroom, your legs wobbly and your head throbbing. The mirror reflected messy hair, tired eyelids, and a grieving ember flickering in your vacant pupils. You brought your fingers up to your skin and began tracing the bags under your eyes, sure you had them before you were married to Kylo Ren, but it seemed like just the thought of you being in any way affiliated with him seemed to make them darker and heavier; everything seemed darker and heavier inside the First Order. Your hand fell to the counter and you looked around, noticing there was no sign of Cecily. You stepped out into the room, preparing to grab your robe and walk to Cecily's quarters, but the door opened and relief washed over you.

"I thought you were-" You began, but as the figure stepped into the room you saw that it wasn't Cecily; it was a young village girl, shaking with tears tearing red streams down her cheeks. "Where's my Gentlewoman?"

"I-I don't know Lady Ren." Her words quivered as they passed over her lips, "I'm just a handmaiden." She was quiet and terrified as she avoided eye contact or even looking in your direction. "I'm here to prepare you for the day." Her voice lowered to a whisper.

A cavern opened where your stomach had been, pulling your heart and throat down into it. You swallowed and cleared your throat. "Alright." You sighed, and sat at the vanity, still wrapped in the towel, waiting for her to begin.

As she began brushing out your hair you began to think of where Cecily could be. Had she met the same fate as the Resistance in the bunker, or had she been shot in the stomach like Kesi. You shivered with the thought, surely nothing would have happened to her without you knowing about it, she was _your_ Gentlewoman afterall. Although you couldn't allow yourself that comfort when there so obviously were many things that happened without your knowledge, because although you were the empress of the galaxy, you held no power. Because a trophy doesn't lead, a trophy sits beside the powerful man as a materialization of just how powerful he is, that was the only truth you needed to know. You watched in the mirror as the girl fumbled with the chains to clip into your hair, she was attempting to perfect it's placement but in turn had ruffled your hair in the process. You could see her becoming flustered though she tried to hold it back and keep her composure.

"Here." You spoke reaching up and flattening your hair so she had no worry of pulling it up again.

"T-thank you." She mumbled as she secured the clip and began to look through the case of makeup on the vanity table. She riffled through it until she had set out every step of your makeup in a neat line in front of you. She stepped back and let you observe it, when you said nothing, staring blankly at the neatly laid out tubes and compacts you looked at her blinking as she folded her hands together nervously.

"Is everything okay?" You asked, startling her, she was not prepared for a question. You saw her swallow and nod fast before scurrying to the makeup and quickly beginning to apply it.

Missing the days of monarchy, a position you were unsure even existed at this point, your heart thumped in sorrow as your throat locked and you wished that you could have been better. A better leader, a stronger Queen, a more present lover for Kesi; but you were left with star crossed dreams and a lingering pain deep inside that could never be subdued, only ignored. You had led your kingdom, your people, the refugees you saved, but while doing so you had also locked them in this hell along with you where there were only two options, live or die; because there is no escape. You tried not to move too much, you didn't want the handmaidens already shaky hands to work any harder to apply the makeup in steady strokes, you just sat staring blankly past the girl with a million thoughts running through your mind. Like how you were going to find Kesi.

Trying to remember the layout of the castle as you closed your eyes, feeling the brushes tickle your lids and trying not to let the thoughts run rampant through your emotions; because if they took control all the hard work done on your face would be washed away in puddles of tears. You wished Cecily was here, that you were able to tell her what you found last night; though you knew she said she didn't want to know anything about the Resistance, therefore anything to do with your life previous to marrying Kylo Ren. But you like to imagine that she would have kind, comforting words to soothe the aching screams of grief in the crater of your heart. You kept telling yourself that she was okay, that you would get to tell her all these things, because she had to be, you couldn't lose the first solid connection you'd made after being beaten and thrown around as a puppet of the First Order. Maybe she was called back to the Finalizer, maybe she had to retrieve more gowns, maybe she was still alive.

"Lady Ren?" The timid voice broke you from the whirlwind of nightmares that involved Cecily's whereabouts. You cleared your throat and looked up to the handmaiden, her eyes puffy and her posture worried.

"Yes?" You asked as she sniffled.

"I can help you into your dress now." She motioned to the wardrobe tucked in the corner of the room. You shook your head and smiled up at her.

"Don't worry about it." You stood resting your hand on her arm. "Get some rest." You encouraged as you held the towel up and began walking to the tall stone closet.

"But I'm suppose to help you with-"

"It's okay." You smiled. "Truly, no one will know." You waved her to the door and she bowed her head, tears returning to the brims of her eyes.

"Thank you." She muttered as she scurried out the door, closing it softly behind her.

The heavy doors of the wardrobe seemed to swing open when you had barely pulled at the handle, tensing your arm you stopped it and looked inside. A few dresses hung in the closet, all different shapes, lengths, and cuts. You ran your hand along the fabrics, some stiff and others flowing and pooling on the bottom of the wardrobe, most were layered and large, bulky in the hips and tight on your torso. There was one, significantly slimmer than the others, pulling it out the black, diaphanous outer layer unpooling from the floor of the closet as it was brought farther into the light. The inner layer, an opaque white, lining the inside of the dress that was cut straight across as a low neckline, with gossamer thin balloon sleeves resting a chest width apart and cinching tight at the wrist with black silk. Not knowing if there was any sort of algorithm to be followed with your dresses and corresponding events, you decided this would be a nice dress to sneak around the castle in, very easy to move around.

Unzipping the back you slipped the dress over your head and went to zip it back up once you situated the sleeves to rest on the top of your shoulders, you got the zipper between two fingers but soon realized that you would not be able to pull it the rest of the way up. Still you bent and leaned, stumbling around the room trying to zip the dress, knowing you should have accepted the help of the poor handmaiden. Grunting in frustration you flung your arms forward in an attempt to stretch them, subconsciously hoping that your arms would grow a few inches or be made of gel for a few moments so it would be easier to zip the dress. But no matter how you moved or contorted your body you could not reach the zipper.

You heard the door opening and began frantically reaching over your shoulders, trying to make yourself decent before anyone walked through the door; part of you hoping Cecily had come to save the day. But that hope was ripped away when you saw Kylo Ren step into the room, for some reason filled with more panic, not for yourself but for whoever was supposed to be helping you dress yourself; it was like regressing on any and every self help skill you had ever learned.

His hands reached up and unlatched his helmet, setting it on the table so it faced you, staring you down as you still frantically grasped at the zipper, watching as Kylo Ren closed the distance between the two of you and moved your hands away from your back. Breaths coming in panicked, hyperventilating translations, you hoped Kylo didn't notice; you also hoped he couldn't hear the rapid thrumming of your feverish heartbeat. But you knew he could, and you knew he could hear you hoping that he couldn't hear.

His leather fingers like ice cubes on your back, you could tell his hands completely engulfed the delicate zipper as he pulled it up your back. His breath cascading onto the back of your head and making you shiver with the memory of his lust drunk moans and his labored breath in the steam of the shower as he recovered from the way your mouth felt around his cock. A pool of lust and desire formed between your legs, you had forgotten underwear in your crusade to pick out your own dress. Finally the dress was pulled tight around your body and Kylo clasped the hidden button at the top of the dress. His hands snaking up your back to massage your shoulders.

"There was supposed to be a handmaiden helping you prepare." The statement was mostly a question as to where that girl had gone, you sighed as the leather was soft against your skin, taking in the feeling of Kylo behind you; his dick not poking you.

"I didn't feel comfortable with her helping me dress." You looked back at him, he looked at you while his hands continued to massage the muscles on your shoulders; his grip was starting to tighten and the once stimulating and relaxing motions were becoming painful and overwhelming. You writhed under his fingers and tried to slip away but he held you in place.

"We'll find another one later." He said, his hands finally leaving your shoulders as you relished in the relief of his thumbs no longer digging into your muscles, making them sore.

"Another one?" You asked, stepping away from him. "What about my Gentlewoman? That is her job after all."

Kylo motioned to the bed, "Sit." He demanded, following orders you smoothed your dress as you sat on the edge of the bed. Kylo walked across the room and grabbed a pair of shoes from the closet, two thick, black straps, one around the ankle and the other covering just below the toes, a thick black heel. He brought them to you and knelt down, grabbing your foot. You reached down to take over the situation.

"I can-"

"I didn't ask." He snapped, he still gently held your foot even though you feared he would crush it in his large hands. Taking one shoe he slipped it on and clasped it around your ankle, gently setting it back on the floor, then picking up the other one; but with this one he stood as he held it in his hand. You were forced back and your head hit the soft mattress, you propped yourself up on your elbows and watched as your dress slid down your thigh, exposing the heeling bite mark. Kylo slipped the shoe on and clasped it, then he ran his hand down the length of your leg until he reached the healing image of his teeth that had sunken into your skin. You gasped quietly as he traced the mildly tender skin. Squeezing your legs together in an attempt to hide your exposed cunt from his studying eyes.

After he felt satisfied that the image of the healed bite mark was engraved in his mind he let your leg drop, shaking you as it hit the floor with force. You let out a small breath that had been trapped in your lungs.

"Thank you." You muttered as you sat up, pushing your dress back down your thighs and wishing you could have had enough brain cells to remember underwear.

"It's not a favor." He spoke as he hovered over you, watching you as you stared up at him, he brought his hand to your head and stroked your hair as he let his eyes wonder over your face, then your chest, his head lulling to the side as he studied certain features closer and then returning to an upright position when he was satisfied.

Kylo walked back to the table and grabbed his helmet readying it to be put on. "Govell detained her this morning, we are headed to hear her trial." He lifted the helmet above his head. "That's not a very good dress to wear to a criminal's trial." He spoke and he lowered the helmet and it hissed into place. "Underwear would be nice too." His voice was now mechanical and deep, making your stomach turn as he said you would learn more about your gentlewoman in a criminal's trial, and also included the fact that he knew you weren't wearing underwear.

"I-I don't understand." You clarified, shifting your weight to one foot then the other and you tried to hide how uncomfortable you were.

"You will soon." He held his hand out expectantly, offering you no other choice but to take it; so you did.

Only two knights waited to follow you and Kylo, the hallways were bare for how late it felt, there were no workers and only a few single troopers stationed at the exits you passed by. There was an eerie energy that settled in the walls of the castle, eyes tucked deep inside them, watching as you carried yourself tall beside Kylo Ren like he hadn't obliterated your jaw with his dick last night and like he hadn't read your mind to find out you weren't wearing underwear; all while the only friend that was alive and near was nowhere to be found and spoke of as if she was a criminal. However your mind was too focused on the latter, what had happened from last night to now to make Cecily a criminal. She hadn't done anything wrong and the only one who had any knowledge of the events that took place in the hallways last night was Vicrul. You cautiously looked behind you to Vicrul, he offered no inkling of what was going on, along with the fact that nothing could be done in secret when Kylo was so close.

As you walked through the hallways you hoped it wasn't as bad as you had thought, maybe Cecily had seen something and was merely a witness, but your gut had seemed to be right thus far and you didn't believe any other crime had taken place. Maybe this was all a fever dream, the blackness had been replaced with a detailed outline of the castle, and it was just guilt buzzing deep in your belly and not fear that Cecily was taking the fall for your clumsy night in the study. But you hadn't been so lucky as to believe your hopes, and it seemed to be paralyzing every time one was ripped away from you.

The sun beat down harshly, it wasn't a comforting warmth anymore and any calm, cool breeze had died. The only thing left was the scorching sun with no escape from the blinding rays as you walked through the open and exposed courtyard. In the middle sat a fountain, one that had once shot out streams of water into the pool below but was now dried and dusty as the stone began to crack under the elements. With no sources of water and a lack of moisture vaporators, it was deemed unnecessary and wasteful. After it was decommissioned the elements had their way with it, chipping away at the polished surface and leaving jagged edges, it didn't look as royal as it once had; it looked desolate and unfortunate as it seemed to age dramatically just from the absence of water.

Passing from the hot light to the humid shadows you neared the grand hall where criminal trials took place, seeming to become more aware of the gravitational pull on your body with every step. The floor quivering under you, like a black hole lie underneath, waiting for the right moment to swallow you whole. But the floor remained sturdy, it was only your legs that seemed to quake as the large doors were pulled open, the grand hall stretching out before you, jury boxes on either side, lined with soldiers and captains as they only stood to attention upon Kylo's arrival. The blood beating against your eardrum like maybe if the thin layer wasn't there the blood trickling down the sides of your cheeks would be enough to correct the situation. But as you traveled the length of the hallway, the eyes of the jurors following you, and the whispers dull in volume yet overwhelming in abundance; the words sticking to your skin as sweat began to accumulate under the thin dress.

Trying not to think about it you kept your eyes trained on the distant throne, like mostly everything else on Atterra it was made from polished stone, though it still had porous holes tearing through certain parts; the insides left jagged and untouched. Govell sat on it, his cape pulling to one side and cascading to the floor in a charcoal grey heap at his feet. Though he looked powerful, you still only saw the weak man who killed your parents, the one hungry for power that didn't belong to him. It filled you with an inexplicable rage as you neared his throne, once Kylo was within range Govell rose and bowed, then standing to attention. You were disgusted as you watched him admire his court of murders and fascists whose only desire was to hold power over another; no sense of what was right and what was wrong, only that they had to be in control. And the most ironic thing of all, is they answered to a man they aspired to be, but they didn't hate him enough to overthrow him like they had you.

There was a chair to the right of Govell, Kylo made his way to it and sat down, spreading his legs and leaning back, resting his hands on his knees as everyone relaxed and seated themselves; though Govell remained on his feet as there was scuffing and shifting of armor and uniforms.

"There has been a breach in security." His voice, old and tired as it croaked from his throat. "Last night the private study was broken into and destroyed." He pulled something from a small pack on his hip, in his fingers he held two holochips. You couldn't read them but you didn't need to, they were the two you had looked at last night, darkened by the ash of your dead parents.

Unintentionally, you drew in a sharp breath through your nose, causing a few of the jurors to snap their attention to you rather than the show of Govell Hess. Trying not to let your emotions completely contort you composure you continued to stare straight ahead at Govell, hoping that your bland expression would bore them and they would forget about your existence in the grand hall entirely. Govell's voice drowned out the hopes in your mind as he continued to explain the offense to those before him.

"Whoever looked at the recordings on these holochips has compromised the integrity of Atterra and violated the protection of private information." He gave the chips to a handmaiden at the side of him while another walked to him and handed him the broken data pad, when you saw the wires and shattered casing you began biting the inside of your cheek as Govell paraded it around for everyone to see. "Along with this, they dumped out ashes that belonged to Lady Ren's mother and father." He motioned to you and all eyes shifted to you like you were a magnet attracting the force of their gaze. You clenched your fists as you willed them to look away from you, mostly worried they would see the guilt in your eyes.

The grand doors opened again and you could see two soldiers carrying Cecily. She looked badly beaten as she couldn't even walk, her feet were just dragging across the floor as the jurors coughed and whispered about her alleged betrayal. You stepped towards her but Vicrul grabbed your arm, pulling you back and giving it a light squeeze. You continued to watch as the soldiers brought her before Govell and dropped her at the stairs below his feet.

"It seems our fair Lady Ren's Gentlewoman could be placed leaving her quarters last night, around the time right before the breach took place." He didn't even look at her, you wanted to cover her face, run and shield her from the eyes tearing her apart. But all you could do was sit and watch.

"That means nothing." You snapped stepping forward, Kylo's arm shooting out and holding you back. Again the eyes shot to you, Cecily's remained on the floor in front of her as she sat on her heels hunched over, with ragged breaths that wheezed in her chest and sputtered out of her throat.

"But this does." Govell motioned and another handmaiden brought him a bundle of black. When he had a grip on it, he unraveled it revealing that it was Cecily's robes, covered in ash; ash that you had spilled on them.

 _I did it._ You thought looking at Kylo, hoping he would stop this. But he didn't, he just kept staring forward.

"Is there anyone who finds this Gentlewoman innocent?" Your hand shot in the air and everyone looked to you. Govell paid you no mind.

"Very well." He handed the evidence back to the handmaidens and motioned for the soldiers to pick up Cecily. "The consequence for such a treachery is death."

"No!" You attempted to press through Kylo's arm, but he stood up and blocked you from moving by pressing his body to yours and holding you in place in his arms. You watched as the soldier's returned and grabbed Cecily, wrestling up her dead weight and pulling her back through the hall, she looked up at you, tears breaking through the dried blood on her cheeks.

_Help._

She mouthed as she was pulled from the grand hall, you continued to push at Kylo until Cecily was pulled over the threshold and the closing of the doors severed your sight of her. You collapsed into Kylo muttering incoherent babble as you felt hot tears prick at the brim of your eyes. You felt Kylo push you off of him, towards the door that led to the hallway behind the grand hall.

"Grab her." He ordered the two nights and they did, grabbing your arms and dragging your backwards as you stumbled back watching everyone ignore you; their eyes had been so eager to be placed upon you when you made the smallest movement, and now that you needed their help, you didn't exist. You didn't thrash around, you knew it would do no good because even if you got loose the punishment that would come when you were caught again would be far more extreme than if you complied.

Beyond the door was the hallway dimly lit by candles, the lack of windows made the air stiff, you were pushed in and the knights seemed to know Kylo didn't want them around for this; because when the door finally closed it was just you and Kylo trapped in the hallway, your only escape would be somehow dodging past him and running to the prison wing that this hallway led to. However any possibility of that happening was slim compared to his abilities. You stood quivering, waiting for him to begin the process of breaking you, letting your chest heave and beg to be cracked open to relieve the pressure weighing on your lungs. His large figure facing away from you, his fists curling and releasing, the sound of leather tightening and relaxing was almost deafening compared to the hammering of your heartbeat in your throat and ears. You swallowed and opened your mouth to speak, hoping the words wouldn't come out as hollow as you felt.

"Govell just wants to hurt-" You began as you stepped towards Kylo, hoping your tone alone would calm him. However he turned as you were faced with his expressionless mask as he raised his hand and grabbed your chin, pinching it as he studied you through the mask. You gasped as he pulled you up until you stood on your tiptoes.

"Not everyone is against you." He tightened his grip, imprinting his fingers in your chin to ensure a bruise would form. You gasped and grabbed his hand. "Why must you pin it on Govell?" He yelled, shaking you. "There are bad people, you look at Govell and you see a murderer." His words cold as he pulled you closer to him. "You wish him dead. You look at me and what do you see?" He seemed calmer and the dwindling supply of oxygen to your brain made it difficult to tell if it was a rhetorical question or if he expected the answer; to which yours would be 'I don't know.' Because you didn't, you looked at him and you saw everything and nothing all at once, the fullness of life and promise, then you saw the emptiness and pain inside both him and you.

"Answer me!" He didn't yell, but his voice rose in volume and you felt a tear roll down your cheek. He was your husband, your mind wanted to see the good in him; but he was also a dictator and the creator of the worst hell you'd ever experienced, it's not easy to explain that to someone when their hand is around your throat.

"I'm sorry I'll do anything, just please save her." You begged as you held his wrist in your hand.

"What could you possibly offer me?" He stepped forward, pushing your back against the wall. "You're already mine, I don't see what else I need."

He was right, you had nothing to barter with, he did truly own all of you. You had already broken the barrier of offering your body up to him, and you had no leverage, no value in this situation, anything you could offer would purely consist of promises and memories. You had nothing and Kylo stood before you holding everything, how do you offer anything better?

"Kylo..." You choked out as the heel of his hand began to press deeper into your throat, interrupting your breathing. "Please..." You whispered as a tear slipped from your eye and down your cheek, as your face began to feel fuzzy and your breaths seemed more like raspy whispers than smooth sighs. Kylo loosened his grip on your throat and dropped you, pressing his body against you so you didn't fall to the floor.

"Tonight." He ordered. "I want you ready for me." He whispered, the low baritone of his helmet vibrating your body as you shivered feeling air expel from the filters and onto your skin. He brought his gloved hand up to your cheek and wiped the memory of the single tear away, looking at the makeup and salty liquid on his thumb he brought it to your mouth and pushed it past your lips. Wanting to please him, wanting him to be as happy as possible to save Cecily, you opened your mouth and let him insert it over your tongue, his head moving as he observed the way you suckled your own sadness from his glove.

With a hum he pulled his thumb from your mouth and thumbed at your chin. "Such a good girl when I'm around." He mused as he opened the door.

"Vicrul watch her." He ordered as the other Knight followed Kylo through the grand hall.

You didn't realize you hadn't let the breath you held in your lungs out until the vision of Kylo was finally gone and it felt like your lungs were going to collapse when the tiny breath of air finally escaped your lips. Looking to Vicrul with tears in your eyes you sniffled.

"Is he going to help her?" You asked as he helped you up.

"He would do anything if it meant he could use it against you, there are no favors in his world." Vicrul let out a sigh, it sounded thick and jagged as it escaped his helmet. "I hope you know what you've just done." He said as he began escorting you back to your quarters. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I don't know how to feel about this chapter. Like I love it but I don't know, it's had to be written and I'm proud with the way it came out. However I have been struggling through a few things which is making it harder to enjoy my own writing, but enough about me! I hope you guys enjoyed it and still continue to support me! -<3kasmirbaby


	13. Warmth of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The fiercest anger of all, the most incurable, is that which rages in the place of dearest love." -Euripides

Sitting still seemed physically impossible, your legs twitched with anticipation and sweat pooled in the crevices of your body from the fear of the unknown of the decisions made in Kylo Ren's mind. Was he going to save Cecily; or merely asked you to prepare for your punishment? At least this time you will have been warned if that was the case. Your heart seemed to beat through your entire body, every inch of skin, every bundle of nerves, feeling your thrumming panic as you paced the room. The door ajar so Vicrul could peek in, he didn't speak, but you looked up and saw his helmet; the question from last night remains. How did he know Cecily's name?

You walked to the door and held it open, feeling your breathing becoming heavier, more deliberate in an attempt to steady it, as you gripped the stone door tightly in your hand.

"Last night you said her name." You said, not asking him, he knew what you had heard him say and he made no attempt to deny it. His body didn't move and he remained silent as you huffed. "How?"

"Pardon?" He finally asked, leaning closer to you.

"You know what I said, bucket-head." You snapped.

Vicrul took a step back and faced forward, straightening his posture; his demeanor changed, he wasn't happy with you but there was still empathy emanating off of him as he held his scythe with both hands to his chest. Impatiently you tapped your fingers on the door, trying to distract your mind from counting the seconds until he answered. He seemed to wait until the rise and fall of your chest wasn't so grand and you appeared calmer than when you had insulted him. You shifted slightly which seemed to be his indicator to speak.

"We're the two people who clean up after you." His words dug at your chest, ripping you open and splaying your ribs out as your heart thumped into the open. Hating the fact that Vicrul and Cecily were viewed as such; maybe not by others but by themselves, and certainly Kylo Ren. "It has brought us rather close." A twinge of satire dripped in his words like a poisoned honey, sweet but burning as it dripped in your ears and rotted your brain. Maybe you did deserve this passive aggressive attitude, but you were worried about the only person who hadn't taken something from you would be ripped away just as soon as she was given to you. Sighing you leaned against the door.

"Is she going to be okay?" You asked, voice tired and worn as it started off as a whisper and trailed into a whine.

"She's strong." Vicrul assured, still not looking at you. "She'll be okay." It sounded like he was telling himself more than he was telling you. Your chest tightened as you thought about how Govell had disrespected her, she wasn't supposed to be seen by anyone but you and Kylo; and the knights of course. He had exposed her face to the jury and even that small detail, her coverings being a symbol of imprisonment—much like the First Order emblems sewn on your dresses—the fact that Govell had stripped her of that infuriated you. Not because you respected the rules of the First Order or the commands of Kylo Ren, but because Cecily did, and Govell knew that; did he also know that you were the security breach?

You wanted to think he did, though it could just be the swelling need to blame Govell Hess for everything that had gone wrong. He only had one intention and that was to hurt you, if he had known you were the security breach he wouldn't be able to do one single thing about it. But your gentlewoman, she was expendable, below Govell, that's where his power over you would flourish; the only womanly figure close to your age had to have drawn you near given your situation. He would rip her away, leaving you completely encapsulated by Kylo, subject to the abuse Govell could only imagine.

Drawing in a deep breath you began to speak.

"If Kylo doesn't save her I will." You stared blankly at the marbling of the stone floor in front of you. "She can't be blamed for my mistake."

Vicrul finally looked at you. "You can't do that." His words were sharp and quiet as the hallways seemed bigger, wider, longer as you felt as though the two of you were shrinking through a slowed portal of time. "Not only will it get Cecily killed but it may get innocents killed." He seemed rushed and anxious.

"You're a Knight of Ren, since when do you care about innocents?" You lift your head from the cold stone as you straighten your posture and peer down the hallway, it was still empty. "Besides, he'd kill me first. Wouldn't he?" You ask, hoping for an answer you knew you wouldn't receive.

"You're naive Lady Ren." Vicrul sounded somber as he shook his head. "He would burn the entire galaxy to the ground before he killed you." He informed you as he shifted uncomfortably.

"Why?" You just wanted to hear it, have someone give the words substance, someone on the outside; someone who couldn't feel the conflict you felt burning in your chest and your head.

"Because you mean too much for him." He breathed the words into existence, a more substantial piece of evidence than the lustful thoughts inside your head. You knew the meaning didn't translate to the one you fantasized, but just for a moment you liked to believe it did, that the warmth you felt for Kylo Ren was justified; because he reciprocated it, even if it was just all in your head.

You placed your hand on your stomach, reminiscing the placement of his hands when he held you so close and your jaw ached but just his touch was enough to numb the pain. You would give anything not to feel this way, but you couldn't help but feel a heat deep inside when you thought of him; the blame you had placed on him now had a scapegoat, Govell. Your old prime minister was the source of all your problems, he was who put you in this mess, being placed in Kylo's hands was merely collateral damage and while the memory of what Govell had done to Kesi, the Resistance, those townspeople was fresh in your mind; you couldn't find it inside you to look at Kylo in any other light than the soft moonlight that slid over his muscles as he held you close. Govell was the reason you couldn't hate him, and if Kylo saved Cecily, you would be that much further away from the edge of utterly and wholeheartedly hating Kylo Ren.

Impatience picking at your brain, making you struggle through every thought to cross your mind, impossible to focus on the breath escaping your lips, and futile to stop yourself from picking at the jagged edges of the door until you ripped your nail and it began to bleed. Sucking in a sharp breath you cursed under it and brought the bloodied tip to your mouth, sucking the blood off and tasting the metallic twinge of your own blood; had it tasted the same to Kylo? A shiver crept through you, seeming to last forever, and dulling your senses to everything but the thought of Kylo Ren and his mouth suckling at your bloodied thumb.

"Where is he?" You whined leaning against the door and feeling it shift back and forth behind you.

"I think I just found him." Vicrul whispered as he stared forward, his breath increasing before he wrangled it back down to a steady level.

First it was the sound, heavy boots against stone, a faint ringing in your ears, then it was sight as you shifted to see past Vicrul; Kylo and the rest of his knights, your entire being seemed to freeze when you saw him. Boots covered in ash from the surface of Atterra, cloak tattered as it flowed behind him like a materialized shadow glued to him, his mask scraped and dented, obstructing any view of his face or his emotion. You quickly stepped back from the door and sat on the bed, picking at your bleeding finger, hoping the pain would ground you before Kylo was too close. But you were still somehow surprised when the door opened and Kylo stood there, beyond the threshold, staring at you through the mask.

"It's time." He spoke blandly as his posture remained poised, with his head level and arms at his side, the eerie image of six black clad knights behind him. You swallowed and stood, walking to him slowly as you felt as if your world was caving in, shrinking, every shred of sanity and hope resting on Kylo and his decision, or lack thereof, to save Cecily. He didn't take your hand or your arm, he waited until you were close enough then his knights shifted into a pathway and he led you through them, every bone seeming to shift as you become hyper aware of every movement your body made; it was like feeling every sensation all at once, but it was overwhelmingly agonizing as your brain seemed to run through every possibility. Not focusing on what would come after, just what would happen when you saw Cecily next, what would be said, and what action would be taken to prevent promises you knew would be kept.

Everything seemed illusive as you only seemed to pick up on vague, darkened outlines of your surroundings. Distant from yourself and your situation, yet so cognizant of your surroundings and how they felt as you were engulfed further into the dissociative state; a mind so focused on the situation at hand yet so distant from it you could feel a single prick of pain that came with each step drawing you closer to Cecily's reckoning.

Though out of touch with reality, you were aware of reaching the main doors to the castle, they were closed as you could see the ever devouring darkness through the glazed windows. But the sound of boots stopped and this was your tether back to reality, reeling you back to your own mind, your own body, and anchoring you at Kylo Ren's side. You turned to look at him, he pulled a small square of lace from his cloak, you could see little metal clasps on three of the corners. Turning to him he was prepared to meet you by fastening the first clip then the other two, your face now covered and your emotions unknown to anyone who couldn't read your mind; only Kylo could be witness to your suffering.

The vision of him seething before you as he seemed to envelope all of your senses while simultaneously desensitizing you, even to the sensation of breath. Your eyes glazed over him, hoping he would speak, tell you his plan; how you would save Cecily and your life wouldn't be that bad. But the silence became suffocating, the lace covering your face seemed to scratch at every inch of skin on your face as you waited for words that would never be spoken.

Kylo didn't say anything, he turned and the doors were opened, you saw the grand arch that led to the staircase of the castle, below you could see the townspeople gathering in neat lines and the harsh light of a TIE fighter beating down on them as patrols threatened them as they surveyed the lines. You could see it, the stake where Cecily would be placed and burned; an Atterra tradition, one you hadn't exercised because of its brutality and trauma to those witnessing.

It was a feeling you'd never quite felt, someone you barely knew who meant so much to you was faced with the promise of death, and the only person who could save her believed she was expendable; that anyone could do what she had done. Your throat twisted around a sob as you struggled to remain quiet and keep the tears from falling. The steps seemed steeper as you walked down them slowly without any support from your husband who towered at your side. You kept repeating the same thing over and over in your head: _Please save her._ It seemed like your only hope and as you drew closer to the level ground, you were running out of time. If he had been in your head he showed no sign of responding when you looked up to him, he just remained, stepping and breathing.

In this moment you would follow him to the ends of the galaxy, without any crumbs, if it meant Cecily wouldn't be harmed, you would burn your entire planet if he so desired; there was nothing more for you here, only painful memories and promises of truth you didn't want to learn. Maybe he didn't even have to ask.

Stepping down from the last step you looked at the townspeople, slightly obscured by the lace covering your eyes but you could distinguish a few telling expressions; tired, afraid, angry, and vacant. You quickly averted your gaze; shameful of the emotions directed towards you and your portrayal of eagerness beside Ren. Looking to the stake that waited for a body to be tied to it, a pile of wood that she would stand on looked so dry and aged, your stomach felt like an ocean of everything you hadn't eaten that day. Like a distant drum, you heard boots marching, then Govell's personal guards rounding the corner, they held Cecily in their hands, a bag over her head, and Govell trailing behind them. You looked up at Kylo, if he was going to do something he needed to do it soon, looking back to Cecily as she was strapped to the stake you realized you may have to stop them.

"This is Lady Ren's Gentlewoman." He spoke loud enough for those on the Finalizer to hear. He didn't remove the bag, but he made a grand gesture to her body, fraile and quivering as her weak muscles couldn't support her weight anymore. "She has committed crimes against Atterra, along with the First Order." He didn't indulge any details, your breath pace quickened and your lungs threatened to collapse inside your chest. "Her punishment," He paused pacing in front of her. "Death by burning." His voice grave and rigid as you watched two guards pour fuel on her.

Looking rapidly from Cecily to Kylo you soon realized his plan was to do nothing. As Govell took the firerod and began igniting it, quickly you ran to Cecily, grappling up the piled of wood and holding onto her, coating yourself in the sickly sweet smell of fuel, you closed your eyes tight and waited.

"Stop!" The familiar voice tore through his helmet and the crackling sound of his lightsaber coming to life. "Release Lady Ren's gentlewoman." You opened your eyes to see Kylo with the tip of his saber a hair's width away from Govell's neck and the knights behind him, prepared to kill anyone who defied the order.

"Are you deaf?!" You heard Govell scream to his guards, the fire rod had disappeared from his hand, you didn't much care for where it had gone. "Release her!" You stumbled back from Cecily as she was untied, she groaned in pain as they released the bindings and she began to fall, you went with her, landing on your knees and grabbing her holding her tightly as you listened to her sobs through the sack over her head. You stroked her head and cooed as you rocked her back and forth as her spindly arms wound around you and held you tighter than you had expected.

"She needs to go to the infirmary." You pleaded with Kylo.

"Trudgen, take her." He motioned and the knight stepped forward.

"No!" You wailed. "I'm not leaving her." You gripped her tighter, feeling every inch of the fuel soaked fabric that covered her skin.

"Vicrul, take Lady Ren and her gentlewoman to the infirmary." Kylo still had his lightsaber pointed at Govell; part of you craved to see him drive it into his throat, the hiss of the red hot energy searing his skin and leaving him sputtering for air and life at Kylo Ren's feet, however, another part of you was relieved when Kylo retracted the crackling blade and lowered the hilt to his side.

Vicrul helped you get Cecily to her feet as her body was a tremor of relief and terror. She sputtered from the fumes on her dress and skin, you reached for the sack covering her head but she pulled away slightly and breathed deeply. "Leave it on." She whispered as you and Vicrul held her between your bodies and pulled her towards the staircase.

You felt his presence, his long and powerful strides had overwhelmed the distance you had covered; you stopped, unable to move, not by your own will but by the hands of Kylo Ren bending it through his own. Your muscles ached as you struggled against him, quickly becoming fatigued from the exertion as well as the emotion that had yet to spill from you. You felt his leather coated fingers smush the chubbiness from your cheeks against your teeth and pry your gaze towards him.

"Don't be late tonight." He held your gaze to him for a few moments longer before letting you go and allowing your muscles to move again. You watched him walk away for a moment before the weight of Cecily reeled you in and Vicrul began tugging for you to move.

If you hadn't been so pumped full of adrenaline, maybe your fingers wouldn't be twitching against Cecily's back, maybe the muscles on your thighs wouldn't be spasming and your heart wouldn't be knocking against your rib cage for a wider space to beat in. Swallowing your hyperfixation on the way your body was reacting to this situation, you refocused your energy and efforts on helping Cecily up the steps, clutching her close; praying that she would never be ripped away from you again. Finally reaching the main doors to the castle they were pushed open and you quickly ushered Cecily in, turning down a small hallway that led to a narrow staircase. Vicrul tried to go down holding Cecily but you dug your heels into the ground and huffed, Vicrul didn't even let a breath escape him as he untangled himself from Cecily's arm and began down the steps, turning back every few to see that you weren't struggling.

"You're gonna be okay." You kept mumbling in response to the pained groans escaping Cecily's throat. You felt something inside you simultaneously withering and igniting as you listened to the broken cries of your gentlewoman; a hunger that could only be satisfied by inflicting the same pain onto Govell; and you promised it would be by your hands. Finally you reached the bottom of the stairs and helped a limping Cecily through the doors of the infirmary.

"She needs help!" You called out. Upon the words tumbling from your lips First Order issue 2-1B droids clanked towards the three of you.

"Medical Bay 4 Lady Ren." One pointed, you and Vicrul joined efforts again to lead Cecily there. Upon reaching the bay Vicrul took over and lifted her onto the bed, you walked to her and removed the bag, she winced upon seeing the harsh lights and reached for the bag.

"It's okay." You whispered. "It's just us." Cecily brought her hand to cover her eyes as she groaned, the pain finally setting in after the adrenaline had faded and she was cemented in the truth of her abuse. She began sobbing, large tremors tearing through every inch of her as she laid on the bed, tears tearing down her cheeks. You stroked her hair and hushed her, bending at the waist to rest your head on hers, breathing in the smell of fuel you held her close.

"Lady Ren, we must take your gentlewoman for assessments and cleansing." You looked at the droid then back to Cecily, your throat burning; unsure if it was from the stinging fumes of fuel or the emotions you pushed down, however you were sure that you weren't going to let her go, not like how you let Kesi go.

"I'm going with her." You attempted to climb into the bed with her but Vicrul grabbed you and spun you, so you were looking at him but something farther than his mask caught your attention.

"You have somewhere to be." He said vaguely, hinting at your appointment with Kylo. You brushed him off and walked past him as they wheeled Cecily from the medical bay.

"Wait!" You called after the droids, "Is that man's name Kesi?" You asked the droid who stared blankly at you.

"Yes Lady Ren, that is Kesi Hess." The droid spoke before grabbing hold of the bed again and pushing it down the hallway.

"The Admiral has a son?" Vicrul asked behind you, presumably staring at the same body laying in the bed as you were.

"Make sure Cecily returns to me." You ordered stepping towards Kesi. Vicrul grabbed your arm, tugging you back.

"The Supreme Leader will harm you." He pleaded, you were able to rip yourself from him and glared at him.

"And I am not afraid." You snapped, "Go to her." Vicrul took a step back and restrained himself from pressing any further as he broke into a slow jog to catch up with the medical droid.

And there he lay, sleeping, shirtless, a bloody bandage around his torso, and sweat sticking his hair to his forehead and reflecting the lights on his skin. The sinking feeling in your gut was almost enough to weigh you down in place, but the warmth inside you strung your existent to Kesi's for a moment and your feet could no longer resist the urge to go to him; so for once you trusted the universe and stepped towards him, no contemplation for what might come after, only what you felt and wanted in this moment. And that want laid before you, a sickly flush depleting the color in his cheeks and the sweat making him look fake under the harsh glow of the medical bay lights. Taking a deep breath you pulled the curtain shut behind you and let the beeping of the equipment overwhelm you for a moment before you pulled a chair next to the bedside and sat.

His hands were familiar, but in a way that they only resembled something you had once known. They were still calloused but they weren't dirty, they were clean and smooth as you ran your fingers along his knuckles. Looking to his face, it contorted as his emotions bled through his dreams into your reality; he was panicked. His brow furrowed, his lips pursed, and his chest rising and falling in time with the rapid beep of his heart monitor. Now would be the best time to wake him, save him from the nightmare.

"Kesi." You whispered, shaking him lightly. "Kesi, it's me." You shook him slightly harder, pushing out the chair you hovered over him watching as his eyes shot back and forth rapidly behind his eyelids and his limbs gently thrashed under the sheets. "Kesi-" You spoke again but were interrupted by his hands clamping onto your head and his lips softly crashing into yours. They were hot and you could taste the sweat that had pooled on his upper lip. You relaxed slightly but still pulled back and let his hands remain on your head, though you grabbed him to slightly relieve some of the pressure he was inflicting on your head. "You're okay." You whispered as a tear slipped from the rim of his eye and glistened as it slid down his cheek.

The room, even time, seemed to be stilled as your attention to anything other than the sight, smell, feel, taste, sound of Kesi faded and you could only devour the stimulation that laid in front of you, withering and gasping. You felt yourself deteriorating, falling away into the abyss that had so violently threatened to encapsulate you since you had found the notes that Kesi had left you. But you sucked it down and let Kesi fall apart in your arms.

"You're okay." He sputtered. "I've watched everything, everything they'll let me." His voice was hoarse and seemed to tear through his throat in painful bouts that he had to pause between to suckle on his own saliva. "I thought they would kill you." He choked through a broken cluster of shaky breaths. You pulled the chair back as you cooed and sat beside him again.

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine." You felt your body chill and your lip quiver as you sniffled to repress the tears. You pulled your lips into a tight smile and lightly squeezed Kesi's hand. "I saw what happened." You spoke motioning to the covered wound on his abdomen. "Your father he-" You began but he shook his head and cleared your throat.

"My father died long ago." He shifted uncomfortably but didn't let go of your hand.

"Why did you fight back?" You let a tear slip away and a break in your words slip as you watched his vitality dwindle with every breath escaping his cracked lips. "You should have waited until forces were stronger." You whispered as you felt his fingers, clammy in your own.

He let out an airy laugh as he shifted once more, "You were the Queen." He winced as he bent too far, the bandages shifting and exposing the red, irritated outline of the healing blast wound. You didn't have the heart to tell him your advice was merely common sense, you could only silently agree.

"Why haven't they healed you?" You asked, reaching for the red patch of bandages, before Kesi's opposite hand shot up and stopped you before your hand even hovered over him.

"They want me weak," He breathed in deep and licked his lips. "So that any overwhelming emotion could be what kills me."

"So if you want to stay alive you can't feel for me?" You asked quietly as your eyes remained on his stomach.

"That's exactly it." He rested his head on the pillow so his eyes were trained on the ceiling above him.

You leaned back in the chair. Letting the conversation run through your mind over and over again, feeling your chest cave in as you thought of how mundane your torture seemed compared to Kesi's; no matter how Kylo hurt you, Govell would always be the monster in these stories of you. While Kylo's abuse was fast and physical, forewarned before it came crashing down, Govell's was long and tedious, a task for the body and mind to stay alive; and he didn't have abilities like Kylo, which made it all the more bloodcurdling. As Kesi lay before you and the memory of Cecily ran like a movie through your mind you sat up and grabbed his hand and pulled it to your mouth so that your lips pursed against it. Taking in the smell of him before you spoke.

"Govell will pay."

Kesi whispered your name, taking you by surprise, you hadn't heard it in so long it refreshed your tired mind and temporarily rinsed the anger from your crown before he spoke again. "That's not who you are." His words were dry and quiet.

"When you've seen the things I've seen, feel the guilt I feel." You took in a deep breath, your eyes unfocusing to give way to the delicate and methodical delivery of your next few words, "You would understand the rage burning within me." You let your eyes refocus and linger on Kesi for a moment longer before you looked away and dabbed the tears forming in your eyes.

"Did you find the box?" He asked, quickly changing the subject before you had anymore time to wallow in the hurt burning somewhere deep in your ribs.

"Yes." You nodded while the dabs of your fingers trailed on your under eyes. "You told me to search for what happened to you, so I did." You pulled in a deep breath of air through your nose and pushed in out through your mouth before bowing your head to hide the pain pulling at the muscles of your face. "The woman who serves me, Govell blamed her." You shivered as the words were cemented into the universe by your voice giving them substance.

"Why?" Kesi's voice seemed distant and weak, but only your subconscious took note; you were too focused on giving the answer he asked for.

"Because he could never prosecute me."

"But he only wanted to rid Atterra of you," he winced, "he would have never planned to execute you." He was right, but the question still burned of what Kylo had done to teach him his lesson, before you hadn't cared, but now it could be beneficial to know what had happened.

"Has your father-" You stopped yourself and cleared your throat. "Govell, visited you? Maybe with talk of Kylo getting violent? Verbally or physically?" You hoped the latter would be the truth, however Kesi shook his head.

"First name basis huh?" Kesi joked, but the pain lacing itself through every word, every breath, could not be buried under all the matter and mass of the entire galaxy.

"Kesi," You pleaded. "It can help." You intertwined your finger with his.

"He spoke of no one being able to protect you like he could, that it was futile to try." He winced. "That's all he ever talked about."

You bowed your head, the answer you were given hadn't made things any clearer and you believed that anything that Kesi could say wouldn't. It would all be circles and delusions of hope as you asked questions to receive the best answers a sensory and care deprived man could give you. Kesi's hand unlaced from yours and he tilted your chin up, so you could look at him. You noticed his fingers were cold and the heart monitor had begun beating rapidly as his eyelids grew heavy.

"You're stronger than he believes." His voice was merely a breath of air now as a tear trickled down his cheek.

"Kesi stop." You pleaded. "You're killing yourself."

"I'm okay with that." He began rubbing his thumb along the bottom of your lips.

"Kesi!" You exclaimed standing, but he grabbed your hand, it didn't feel right to pull away from a dying man. "You're going to die." You walked closer to him. "Please."

"Kiss me." He requested, wetting his lips as his eyelids remained shut for longer intervals. You didn't fight him, though you wanted to. You felt your entire body quake as tears began to stream from your eyes and you breathed deeply before your lips met his. Cold and sweaty against yours, weak as you felt every ounce of energy he had was being directed to his lips. You pulled away but let your face hover above his as his sleepy eyes danced along your features.

"And Govell won't win." He took in a deep breath. "Because I died with the warmth of you." He whispered.

As the last breath escaped his lips his heart monitor let out a long whining beep, the rise and fall of his chest ceasing and his eyes shutting as you felt something burn and rage while simultaneously sizzling out inside you. Your heart felt like a sharp knife thrumming against your chest as you rested your head on his chest, willing air to return to his lungs and a rhythm beat from his heart. But the longer you laid there, the warmer his chest around your skin became and the colder his skin grew; an icy mannequin beneath you. It looked like Kesi, it had all his physical attributes; but it was not Kesi. Kesi had died and whatever made this mixture of skin and bones the gardner you fell in love with, was gone.

Though Kesi had tried to make his dying breaths an effort to rid you of hatred for Govell, you still craved the feeling of witnessing his last breath dissipating in his lungs at your hand. There was nothing to stop you now, no fear, just the rage burning through you hot and bright as you wiped your eyes; feeling the makeup smear as you pulled the tears across your cheeks and wiped your hands on your dress. Sniffling, you folded Kesi's hands over his chest and held them for a moment, letting yourself fall into the coldness and promising Govell wouldn't live to relish in the success of his torture.

You pulled the curtain back and the hallway poured in, white and bright as you saw medical droids clamoring down the walkways. Dodging the metal beings and ignoring their askings of what had happened, you had only one path, one goal, one man in mind. You were going to kill Govell Hess, and nothing would stop you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bawled writing this chapter, and again when I revised and edited it. How have y'all been feeling about the last few chapters? I'd really like to know.


	14. There Are Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I could never hurt him enough to make his betrayal stop hurting. And it hurts, in every part of my body." -Veronica Roth

It's like you didn't even exist, all you were and all you knew was the red hot rage that burned through every molecule inside you. You couldn't tell if the people in the hallways were real people, or ghosts of those Govell had hurt, egging you on as your aching limbs carried you through the hallways of the castle to his bedroom. You weren't even sure if he was there, but if he wasn't, you would wait until he was and he would answer for all the lives he had taken.

Your hands felt sweaty and hot but they were so numb with tension you weren't sure if they were even attached to your body at this point; not until you grasped the handle to Govell's room, entering the code you had for the private study. The pad flashed green and the lock of the door was released and it gave way, swinging open. He laid there, sleeping so peacefully like he had done no wrong, at least that's how it appeared in your eyes. You lingered in the doorway for a moment until you heard the powerful thud of boots marching in unison, you quickly shut the door and watched as Govell woke with a start.

"Who's there?" He spoke into the darkness, you could see his frail body hunched over, clutching the sheets to his chest. Looking to the table situated by the door you could see one of his decorative knives, tucked into its scabbard, ready to be drawn and communicating with the buzzing in your ear; it craved blood just as you did.

"I could be many." You spoke from almost a whisper.

"Lady Ren?" He called shifting closer in an attempt to make out your figure against the dim moonlight spilling through his transparent drapes.

"It's fitting for the hunger I feel." You curled your fingers around the scabbard and drew the knife, a smooth metallic scraping filled your ears as you watched Govell jump slightly.

"M'lady, I let your gentlewoman go just as you wished." He defended, curling up with himself closer to the head board. You were filled with rage as it seemed that he believed that was the only wrongdoing he had done. Stepping closer he tried to scurry off of the bed but you clamped your free hand around his wrist, squeezing until you heard the sound of bones rubbing together and Govell struggled back a groan through gritted teeth.

"And what of my parents?" You tugged him so he was closer, earning a sharp breath to be drawn into his lungs, "What of Kesi? Your own son." You leaned down to whisper in his ear. You pushed him on the bed and straddled him, pinning his arms to his sides with your thighs as you toyed with the point of the blade between your thumb and pointer finger. "He died you know." You spoke as you twirled the knife, it glimmered in the moonlight, a beacon of bloodlust as you envisioned Govell's thick red blood dripping from the blade.

Govell had no reaction to the words that should have been like poison to his very being, instead he remained, looking at the blade in terror, more fearful for his life rather than what had happened to his own flesh and blood. It made you sick that he could have no hold of emotional attachments.

"Do you remember Oliver?" You cocked your head to the side as you moved the knife to Govell's chin and let it rest there as sweat pooled on his brow and began seeping down onto the pillow. Govell's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, licking his lips he began to speak.

"Th-that nice boy who fancied you?" He asked as his gaze flickered between the knife and your face. You chuckled and tilted your head to the other side, drawing in a smooth breath of air through your nose as you began to drag the knife down his chest, the sharpened edge ripping through the fabric of his tunic.

"He sexually harassed me multiple times." You informed him as you pulled the knife the length of his torso and the fabric splayed open, exposing his wrinkled chest, laden with wiry, curly, white hairs. "Kesi was the one who finally got him to stop." You felt the pain twist your throat as you swallowed the sob, "And you took him from me!" Anger engulfed you as you spoke that truth, so overwhelmed you dragged the blade across his stomach, a rich line of red began to seep through his skin, bubbles forming where there were capillaries. Govell let out a groan of pain and your hand shot to his mouth.

"Sh, sh, sh," you cooed as you brought the knife to his temple. "Don't want anyone thinking the only person you can protect is the only one who can hurt you." Your words like a poisoned potion that spilled over Govell, a mumbling came from behind your hand. You clamped down harder, forcing your hand tighter against his face and his head further into the pillow. He began to writhe under you but his frail build was no match for your weight on his waist. You got close to his face, lowering your voice, so quiet it could have been mistaken for the wind. "If I remove my hand, there's no screaming for help," you lowered yourself to his ear so your lips grazed the folded cartilage, "or I'll cut myself up with this knife and say you tried to kill me." You breathed in deeply before removing your hand from his mouth, he drank in air like he had been suffocated, so dramatic.

"I-I didn't know Lady Ren, if you would have just told me-" He pleaded.

Another wave of wrath crashed over you as you ripped the knife down the side of Govell's face. Your hand finding his throat and crushing it in your dirty fingers and you watched him writhe in pain, with no air to relieve it through exclamations. One of his hands slipped from under you and he began clawing at your hand, ripping through flesh and drawing blood to the surface. "Was the crying when he left not enough?!" You yelled. "Did you just think my negative moods whenever he was mentioned was just a coincidence?!" You tightened your grip and watched as he went limp for a moment before you retracted your hand. He quickly sucked in air again as his hand relaxed on yours, you could see the flesh and blood under his nails.

His eyes began to blur with tears as his lip quivered, he looked so pathetic.

"Please..." He begged. "I never meant to hurt them." His voice but a whisper as he attempted to coax any form of sympathy from you.

"You tortured Kesi." You shifted the knife in your hand. "You burned my parents." You lifted your arm above your head. "You killed those innocent townspeople." You closed your eyes and drew in a deep breath through your nose.

"I'll change." He whispered.

"And you drove me to this." With all the force you could muster, you brought the knife down, like a hammer slamming into Govell, a sickening piercing as the knife drove through him. As your hand connected with his torso, the jiggly flesh rippled and he let out a cough. Drawing in another breath you watched as tears began spilling from his eyes and he looked down, blood pooling around your hands and dripping from his sides onto the white under layer of your dress. You twisted the knife and watched as he struggled in pain while you felt elated at the sight of his pain.

"Should I save you?" You brought your bloodied hands up to his face and grabbed it, smearing it over his cheeks and jaw. "If I call for help you could make it." You watched as his once white facial hair was dyed a crimson red at the touch of your hands. "But I don't think that would teach you a thing." You cooed as one hand shot to the hilt of the knife and ripped it from his stomach. A squelch erupted from his stomach as blood followed, splattering over the front of you. You watched as the light in his eyes dwindled, while removing yourself from atop him you saw the fire rod he had used when he attempted to burn Cecily. You smiled and grabbed it, reaching behind you, you unzipped the dress and pulled it off of you. Govell was too busy writhing in pain to notice you had stripped, you laid the dress on top of him and ignited it. Watching as the fire took and quickly engulfed the whole dress, Govell let out labored groans, too weak to actually scream.

A smile pulled at your lips as you sauntered to his bathroom and turned on the shower, a perfect view of his death while you lathered your hair and body. The sheets on the bed soon caught fire as well, Govell had stopped thrashing and simply lay still as the life left his body, his skin searing and blackening as you washed away the blood and sickly smell of fuel off of your body. Water trickled into the claw marks on your hand, a stinging twinge as you brought it up to look at it, torn skin and exposed capillaries refilling with blood as you puckered and pulled the skin on the back of your hand. You writhed in the delectable throes of pain as you shoved it under the hot water and watched as the blood that had coated your hand was watered down and spilled onto the shower floor.

Breathing in the sweet smell of soap and burning flesh you stepped out of the shower and reached for Govell's robe. Pulling it over your arms and up to your shoulders you could already see that it was much too big for you, it fell to your ankles and stretched somewhere farther than the tips of your fingers, you gently folded the sleeves as you listened to the crackling and popping of the body burning in the other room. To the rage inside you, it was like a lullaby, but to your sobering mind it was the melody of a murderer, a song you no longer could bear. Walking out of the bathroom you grabbed your heels in one hand and quickly left the room, the sound of a withering traitor fading as you leisurely made your way towards your own quarters. No one really took notice of you, whether they were too afraid or truly had no interest, you did not care.

It wasn't until you rounded the corner and saw Vicrul standing by the door waiting for you, that you were reminded of your meeting with Kylo Ren. You felt your stomach flip as you had no choice but to increase your pace and hold the oversize robe shut with your free hand. Vicrul noticed the sound of your bare feet on the stone floor and craned his neck to catch a glimpse of you sprinting towards him, damp with water, and beading with sweat from exertion and anxiety.

"Is Cecily okay?" You asked, catching your breath.

"She's resting in her quarters, they were able to heal her but she'll need time to heal in other ways." His voice was smooth but you were able to pick up on the pain interlacing his words as he sucked in a sharp breath and looked you up and down. "Where did you get so wet? Where's your dress?" He met your eyes. "What happened to the man, Kesi?" You felt your entire body grow numb at the utterance of his name, when you had last heard it, it was toppling from your lips while you were torturing Govell.

"Is Kylo here?" You asked pointing to the door, acting like you hadn't heard any questions come from Vicrul.

"No, but you should get ready." He informed you as he opened the door and motioned for you to go inside. You nodded and swallowed, stepping over the threshold and turning around as Vicrul began to close the door. You grabbed it and stumbled as the motion pulled you with it before Vicrul could catch its weight and look at you.

"Thank you." Your voice was soft and innocent, a complete contrast to the words and actions you had displayed towards Govell.

"For what?" Vicrul catechized, you could hear the confusion in his voice.

"Being someone I can trust." You swallowed how sickening your words sounded to the chaotic lusting in your mind. Vicrul nodded, he didn't respond, or he did by simply shutting the door, the air settled as you took in a deep breath. Walking to the vanity you pushed your wet hair out of your face, you looked worn and tired. Grabbing some cover-up you began applying it to your dark circles and lightly tapping it in before moving onto the rest of your makeup. You weren't sure what would happen when Ren walked through the door but whatever it was, you didn't want to look like a tired soul that had just killed a man. You drew in a deep breath as you smudged dark shadows and liners around your eyes, no matter how much you smiled and tried to appear bright in the mirror your subconscious had other plans for your appearance.

After you looked like some darker version of yourself your hair was drying, curling with sweat from the sweltering temperature surrounding the castle. Knowing it wouldn't do anything but still wanting relief from the suffocating heat, you rose from the vanity bench and stepped towards the window, undoing the latch and opening it, securing the locking mechanism so it wouldn't slam shut when the wind inevitably picked up. You looked beyond at the foreign lights and buildings of the First Order, soiling the otherwise classical aesthetic of Atterra. Breathing in you returned to the task of readying yourself for the Supreme Leader, part of you hoped that he would desire you, ravish you, tear you open with lust laden strokes.

Though you should have been trembling and sick with guilt of killing someone; even if it was Govell, you couldn't bring yourself to do so. You found yourself thinking of the way Kylo tended to you with his mouth, how he drew your blood past his lips and onto his tongue, how he had stretched your mouth until your jaw ached into the next morning. Realizing that true evil is, above all else, seductive. The way he seemed to suck everything in and thrust it back, colder and darker than it had been before. An oppressor to your own existence was the reason a fire burned inside you and desire pooled between your legs; as you thought of the way that his voice that let out such guttural, animalistic grunts, was the same one moaning your name with such veiled pleasure.

You opened the wardrobe, running your hand over the fabrics, until you reached one that had but only one layer. Pulling the hangar out you caught a glimpse of the sheer fabric, designs of swirls and what resemble stars embossed into the fabric, strategically placed to cover certain bits enough to leave some to the imagination; not that it would be any tease to Kylo. It was a wrap dress, a plunging neckline and trailing hem with billowing sleeves. Shucking off Govell's robe and letting it fall to the ground at your feet you kicked it under the bed, hiding it from sight, pulling on the dress it slightly scratched your skin but wasn't overall irritating once it was positioned correctly on your body. Tying the long strings in a bow at your side, you returned to the vanity, noticing your hair had dried in a less than desirable mess, you reached for a ponytail and tied up your hair; messing, loosening, tightening, until it was perfect. Taking in a deep breath you took a few steps back and admired the dress.

There were small specks of glitter in the dress as you twisted back and forth, that reflected the candle-like glow of the artificial lights overhead. Walking over to the selection of shoes so generously paid for with First Order credits, you picked out a rather expensive pair of heels with straps that laced up your calf which you tied in a bow that resembled the one on your hip. The door opened and your breath hitched as your spine shot up like a rod had been shoved through it. Kylo stood at the threshold, helmet in place and cowl pulled up to make him look like an even more minacious shadow, you attempted to relax yourself by crossing your legs and leaning back; propping yourself up on extended arms and flattened hands on the surface of the bed.

Kylo stepped in and closed the door, he walked to the other side of the room to the open window. You could hear him take in a breath through the filter of his mask, a smooth exhale as his hand rested on the windowsill. Watching as he drank in the view of Atterra then turned his attention to you. You could feel his eyes beyond the mask caressing the plains and curves of smooth skin covering your body, You smirked as you arched your back like you were stretching, throwing your head back and bringing your hands to your throat to graze the skin, an attempt to tease Kylo.

The room seemed to grow even hotter as you felt a slick film over your exposed skin, an even damper coating forming under the flimsy fabric of your dress. Kylo finally spoke, breaking the silent tension of erotic heat surrounding you.

"There are rules." He spoke pacing to the foot of the bed, a gloved hand reaching down and uncrossing your legs, wedging himself between them, though it was warm, the breeze felt cool on your wet lips. You drew in a deep breath and looked up at him.

"I'm sure I will be more than happy to comply, Master Ren." You licked your lips as you looked at him through thick eyelashes in the warm light that only made it easier for the lust inside you to rise and lap up the image of Kylo's strong body between your legs. He reached up and unlatched his helmet, speaking while he did so.

"The first being," His voice changed from synthetic to human and deep and his tendrils of black fell to his shoulders, "you cannot touch yourself without asking." He discarded his helmet beside him, a loud clatter following its descent, though you were so drunk on the image of his beauty that you didn't even bat an eyelash at the otherwise startling sound.

"What if you're not around?" You pouted and looked at him through a facade of innocence.

"You wait." He began pulling at the tips of his gloves. "Or you will be punished." He removed the glove completely and his hand moved to your cheek, his fingers surprisingly cold as he stroked your skin, his thumb found your bottom lip; pulling and stroking at the plump softness of pink as he licked his own.

"And when I ask you to touch yourself," He pulled your lip down so it touched your chin. "You do it, no questions; no defiance." He roughly pulled at your lip before letting go of your face. "Do you understand?" He asked, stroking your hair with his ungloved hand. You nodded, but that wasn't enough for him, he quickly fisted your hair and tugged until your neck was bent as far as it could go without snapping. "Words." He ordered.

"I understand Master Ren." Your lips parted as your desire only grew from the sheer power he enforced over you.

He backed away from you and grabbed the chair stationed at the desk, turning it so he could sit in it facing you. Slowly he sat down, leaning back and resting his elbows on the arms of the chair, he began pulling off the other glove. "Touch yourself princess." He ordered as he discarded his glove, you licked your lips.

Bringing your fingers to your mouth, you stuck out your tongue, placing your fingers on it and pulling them in slowly as you coated them in spit. With your other hand you moved your dress to the side to better reach your clit as well as expose every inch of you to Kylo. You pulled your hand from your mouth and let the string of spit fall and you held eye contact with Kylo, as your fingers moved down your torso his eyes followed and you were left staring at the entirety of him in the chair. His legs sprawled out almost touching yours, arms resting on the thick armrests, and his fingers steepled under his nose as he watched you part your lips and search for your throbbing nub.

The attention to yourself elicited a moan to escape your lips as you lolled your head to the side, savoring the way Kylo's eyes flickered with desire as he watched your fingers swirl and work you closer to a distant peak. Breathing in deeply you let a deep moan erupt in your throat as you closed your eyes and began to increase your pace, your mouth popped open in pleasure as you threw your head back and mewled in pleasure.

"Stop." Kylo ordered, for a moment you continued to rub until you felt an invisible hand on your throat. "Listen to me." He demanded, so you did. Your movements halted but your fingers still lightly grazed your throbbing nub. Kylo leaned forward, his hand extended, holding the light pressure to the sides of your throat. "You're so wet." He observed, eyes taking in the slick shininess coating your lips and fingers, along with a small circular spot on the sheets underneath you.

"Master Ren," You choked out, "please let me touch myself." You moaned as your neglected clit throbbed and you shivered with anticipation.

"Continue." He leaned back but the pressure on your throat remained, which only made you want to cum faster. With little to no hesitation you began to stroke yourself again, moaning louder with each flick. You heard the shifting of fabric, then a sensation like fingers being inserted inside of you. Gasping at the feeling you opened your eyes to see Kylo, one hand extended to choke you, and the other pumping and curling in the air, sending a sensation through you as you started to shake and contract with each sensation he provided.

Propping yourself up with your non-dominant hand, you threw your head to the side, the pressure on your throat being released and now the feeling of a hand on your jaw then fingers in your mouth, Kylo again had switched his position to insert his disembodied digits into your mouth, you started to salivate and moan around them. Like nothing you had ever felt before, his ghostly touch inside you was only bringing you closer and closer to your edge the faster he pumped and curled.

Feeling your jaw stretch open with his force you moaned and stroked yourself faster, feeling your skin buzz with euphoria and vision blur with ecstasy.

"Kywo," You moaned and the fingers were removed from your mouth as you flung yourself onto your back, propping your leg up so you had a better angle. "I'm going to cum." Your words were air passing over your lips as you felt the stray hairs of your ponytail sticking to your forehead.

Suddenly the fingers were ripped from you, faster than they had been inserted, a twinge ripping through you as you groaned and attempted to bring yourself over the edge, but you had gone numb. Panting and opening your eyes to look down at Kylo he rose and began walking to you, standing between your legs once again.

"Next rule is, I decide when you cum." He grabbed your wrists and pulled you up. As he was pressed against you he began undressing himself, pulling away layers, pulling them over his head, his eyes never leaving yours. You could feel the wet dripping to your inner thigh as you only grew hotter at the sight of his scars and muscles, he began to pull at the tie on your hip. It came undone and the dress sprawled open, exposing your bare chest, nipples hardening as the air shocked the nerves. His hands started on your stomach then moved to your breasts massaging them before he moved up your collarbone, his hands burrowing under the fabric , shucking it from your shoulders.

As quickly as he had pulled you up, he shoved you back onto the bed, you bounced before finally settling Kylo knelt down and began placing kisses on the tops of your thighs, working towards the laced heels. Taking the bows delicately in his thick digits and pulling them until they loosened and slipped off your feet with ease. His arms hooked under your legs and his hands skated up your sides as he held you so you couldn't fall back, his biceps flexed and defined as he supported your weight. He brought his tongue to your lips and started by cleaning the wet that had spilled onto them, his tongue flattening and inflicting pressure on your neglected clit. Moaning, you felt all control leave you body, Kylo's biceps tensing even more and you nearly went limp with pleasure. His tongue split your lips open and began to travel the length of your slit.

Your hands found their way to his hair, burying them deep in his curls and pulling; remembering what he told you in the Command Center.

_Harder, Princess._

Your fists tightened and your nails dug into his scalp. The faster Kylo ate you out, the harder you pulled, and the louder you moaned; not particularly caring if Vicrul was waiting beyond the door. All that surrounded you was Kylo, and you were so drunk to the pleasure of him that you couldn't care to think of anything or anyone else.

" _Fuck."_ You moaned as you began to shake, his mouth sucking on your clit, then his tongue lapping up any arousal that had seeped from you and wetted the skin on his chin. Then he shifted, one hand completely supporting you and the other moving so he could thumb at you clit, you felt his tongue insert itself inside you; the sensation overwhelming as you threw your hair back in the throes of his indulgence. You pulled his hair harder as his pace increased and your breath picked up as well.

Legs shaking with the looming orgasm you were once welcomed with the overtaking of your senses and the promise of release. This time he had the intent of granting you with it. He worked faster as he felt your walls contracting around him, pulling him deeper, begging for a quicker release; which he worked toward. His thumb rapidly pleasing your clit as he fucked you harder with his tongue. Buzzing with release you moaned as you felt yourself float away, being pushed into the pool of euphoria and pushed over the edge as you shook violently and called out Kylo's name.

You panted as you seemed to relax and Kylo cleaned up the cum that had overflowed out of you. Looking up at you, nose, lips, and chin glistening Kylo grabbed your face, he wiped the drool from your lips and brought his thumb to his lips, suckling the liquid off of it.

"Good girl." He praised as he stood and ripped you up from the bed, pushing you towards the open window. His body colliding with your back he shoved your legs against the wall and caused your exposed top half to hang out into the open.

He leaned down so his lips pressed against your ear. "Do you want your fallen kingdom to see how I dominate you?" He asked, licking your ear with hot saliva.

"Yes Master Ren." You panted, grabbing the windowsill with white knuckles. "I want them to see." You reiterated his statement to show you understood what he was asking, though you would have said anything to get him inside you at that particular moment.

"They'll see what a weak whore you are." He positioned himself behind you, pushing your back down with one hand and using the other to line himself up with your entrance. First he teased the length of your slit, soft moans escaping your lips.

"You can do better than that, Princess." He teased as he rammed into you, earning a squeal seated somewhere between pain and pleasure. "Don't worry." He cooed, grabbing your ponytail in his fist and grasping handfuls of your ass in the other. "I will be brutal." His words barely had time to register before he was pulling at your hair so hard you felt like it would be torn from your scalp. You moaned in pain and he began rapidly thrusting into you, the pain slowly turning into pleasure with each animalistic flick of his hips.

Feeling your stomach being cut into by the stone surrounding the windowsill and you were pounded out of the window, feeling the hot Atterra wind on your face, forced to look out over the kingdom you couldn't protect; a kingdom metaphorically being burned to the ground with each fiery pump of Kylo inside you.

Kylo's fingers crawled so they could stroke your clit, overwhelmed by the touch on your already sensitive nub you squealed and felt tears of euphoria and exhaustion prick at your eyes. Screaming out into the whistling wind was a futile appeal to a higher power, because the only man that could save you was splitting you open and simultaneously rebuilding you around him in his image. Before you could focus on your lack of salvation any longer Kylo flipped you over so you laid over the windowsill, still inside you, he shoved you farther out so your entire upper half hung out of the window with arms too tired to hold you up.

"I'm going to fall!" You screeched wiggling as your arms dangled above your head, feeling yourself being pulled toward the ground so far below; beckoning for your bones to crack on its surface.

"Tell me when it hurts." He instructed, wrapping his arms around your legs so they were squeezed together, creating a new sensation and angle for Kylo. He moaned as he threw his head back, savoring the feeling of you. He began ramming into you again, his arms tightening around your legs as he savagely pleased himself, while your upper half dangled and flopped on the outside of the castle; it did feel good, but the factor of height and death below made it hard to get off. The scraping of stone on your back began to irritate your skin and you writhed as Kylo's fingers dug into your flesh, his nails scraping every inch of you.

Not knowing _how_ , just knowing _you hurt_.

"Okay Kylo it hurts." You plead as you engage your core to lift yourself up, attempting to reach out to him. He showed no sign of responding, he simply kept thrusting in and out. Your core gave way and you twisted, reaching to pull yourself up. "Kylo!" You screamed over the wind. "You're hurting me!" You were pulled back into the walls of the castle, feeling a stinging pain on your back that had scraped against the jagged edge of the windowsill.

"I didn't say I'd stop." He picked you up, cradling you in his arms as he carried you into the bathroom, turning the shower on he only turned the cold water on and set you down inside. You yelped as the cold water pelted you like a thousand stinging needles, eliciting goosebumps on every inch of your skin and your nipples to grow harder than they had in the temperature of the air beyond. You attempted to dodge the water but Kylo grabbed your throat with his large hand, encapsulating you in his grasp. He shoved you against the wall, seeming unphased by the freezing water.

Your hand shot to his, he wasn't cutting off your air supply, he pinched the sides of your throat as you moaned in pleasure; a reaction you couldn't control.

"You're a dirty little thing." He growled as he spun you around, shoving your face into the polished stone of the shower, he pushed you down until your spine dropped and your ass was pressed against his cock. He wound your hair around his fist as he lined himself up to ram into you again, this time the heat of desire taking over, the stinging pain of the scrapes on your back and the pelting of icicles was minuscule to the way it felt when he parted your lips and buried himself inside you.

Mouth popping open in pleasure you began to pant, water falling into the well of your mouth, causing you to spit on to the shower floor. You steadied yourself on the wall as Kylo began to thrust into you, no care for how hard he was pulling on your hair, or how much pressure he was using to smash your face against the wall.

"Do you like it when I hurt you princess?" He hissed over the slapping of wet skin and pattering of water around him.

"Mhm." You moaned, scrunching your face against the wall.

"I don't believe you." He spoke through gritted teeth as he yanked your hair and thrust into you with near bone crushing force.

You yelped, "I _really_ like when you hurt me, Master Ren." You panted as you blinked away the makeup soaked droplets of water nestling on your eyelashes.

Like the smell of blood to a feral animal, Ren began ripping you apart at the sound of your voice, your acceptance. His hand that had been gripping your ass snaked around your wet body and began stroking your throbbing, sensitive clit. Moaning into the wall you sucked in as much air as you could before having to spit out the water that came with it.

Walls contracting around him, he howled in pleasure from the sensations you were providing him with. You felt yourself nearing your second orgasm as your body seemed to go limp in his arms, convulsing in over stimulation of pleasure as he fucked you harder, faster, deeper.

"Ask me if you can cum." He damned through labored breaths, you could only moan in response until he fisted your hair tighter and pulled you up so he could speak in your ear. " _Ask me_." He whispered with a rasp in his voice that made you want to please him for the rest of your life; and many other lifetimes after that.

"Can I _please_ cum, Master Ren?" You whined into the water as you felt his panting on your neck, somehow still hot under the freezing water.

"That's it, _slut_." He spat as he let go of your hair. "Grab your ankles." He ordered. So you did, removing your hands from the wall you grabbed your ankles, Kylo never once slipping from you. He pushed you so your back was pressed up against the wall, your spine knocking into the stone with every thrust that wracked your entire body.

His fingers again finding your clit and stroking with a furious rhythm as your senses were overthrown with the high of euphoria. Your overstimulated body didn't last long in this position, feeling the tip of his dick on your cervix as he feverishly, frantically, beastly tore you apart, thrust by thrust.

"Kylo," you moaned feeling the blood rush to your head, "I'm- _fuck_ -cumming." You yelled over the water.

"Cum for me." He used his free hand to steady himself against the wall as he continued with the same unrelenting stimulation and force.

"I-" Your words were ripped from you as your body fell into the warm pool of ecstasy once more, your limbs shaking as you lost grip on your ankles, Kylo pulled himself from you and your balance dwindled; falling to the floor with a wet slap of flesh and a soft thud of bones, you groaned in pain. Rolling onto your back, Kylo gave you no time to collect yourself, he straddled you, sitting on your chest stroking himself.

"You're gonna swallow my cum." He threw his head back as he licked his already wet lips. "Like the- _shit_ -good girl I know you are." His cock twitching in his hand as he began to unravel himself, you opened your mouth, tired and exhausted you didn't have the energy to defy his order. Your head must have rolled to the side because you felt Kylo's hand clamp down on your jaw and re-positioned your head to line up with he cock. Then it came, hot jets of cum squirting into your mouth like icing as Kylo shook with release, moaning and throwing his head back.

A few final pumps and he was done, a lazy hand reaching up and shutting the water off, he panted for a moment before he realized you hadn't shut your mouth. Moving his hand and wiping any cum that had landed on his own skin onto your face, he shut your jaw. "Swallow." His words merely breath escaping his lungs. You listened and felt the bitter concoction of your own spit, Kylo's cum, and the water from the shower travel down your throat, losing the feeling of it somewhere near your chest.

"Good girl." He wiped your face, you could see the black smudged on his fingers when he pulled his hand away. He pushed himself off of you and propped you up against the cold stone wall, your body falling against the glass wall, you watched in a drunken state as Kylo moved around the room, grabbing a towel, checking himself in the mirror, then drying himself off.

Taking the same towel he had used for himself he walked back into the shower and draped it over you, hooking one arm under your knees and the other across your back. He lifted you, not once looking down to see if you were secure in his arms. This view of him was more than exquisite, droplets from his still soaked hair dripping down the slope of his nose and landing on the towel draped over your stomach, his jaw set with intention, and eyes burning with determination. It felt like a lifetime before he crawled onto the bed, laying you beside him, the sheets stuck to the parts of your that were still wet and you felt your hair soak the pillow under your head. You watched as Kylo grabbed a damp corner of the towel and brought it to your face, gingerly wiping away the makeup, cleaning you up as best he could.

You watched him, wondering how he had discovered his world of sensations, how he knew how to make you cum and where he had learned he liked it this rough.

"Ask me." He spoke as he used his thumb to wipe away the mascara under your eyes.

"Where," You took a deep breath as your eyes studied his face, set with intent, "where did you learn all of this stuff?" You asked.

"No where." He was quick to respond, like he already had his answer before you even asked the question. "The dark side twists your mind in more ways than one, princess." Finally satisfied with his work he pulled his hand away, you opened your mouth to speak again but Kylo just pulled you into his chest, holding you so close that you were overwhelmed with his presence and all words had been stripped from you. "Sleep." He spoke as he unraveled your ponytail and began to fan your hair out on the pillow below you. "We depart tomorrow."

Your eyes fluttered shut as you finally realized just how tired you were, sleep engulfing you but your mind still running rampant with the promise of returning to the Finalizer.

Finally, you would escape Atterra. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahaha, I know it's not Friday but I'll be traveling tomorrow and Saturday so I won't have time to post. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! -kashmirbaby<3


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